Debattartikel; kroppsideal
x varför har vi de ideal vi har?
x vem är det som bestämmer hur man ska se ut?
x har idealen alltid varit de samma?
x http://ki.se/ki/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=16990&a=36636&l=sv
x http://www.umo.se/Kroppen/Kroppsideal/
x http://www.web4health.info/sv/answers/ed-causes-slim-ideal.htm
Ideal – ordet som i sig självt betyder just ouppnåelig eller perfekt, verkar ta mer och mer plats i dagens samhälle och det blir vanligare och vanligare med smala kvinnor i reklamfilmer och i kataloger.
Våra ideal har inte alltid sett ut som de gör idag, faktum är att de kvinnliga kroppsidealen har förändrats ett antal gånger genom tiderna – det har inte alltid varit 'rätt' att vara pinnsmal. Om jag refererar till en artikel av Stephan Rössner1 som publicerades på Karolinska Institutets hemsida så ger han oss ett flertal exempel på hur den betydligt kraftigare kvinnan har varit mer 'rätt' än kvinnan utan markerade former genom historien. Där ger han även exempel på hur idealen har varierat i olika delar av världen, till exempel i Egypten, under den faraoniska tiden så är alla kvinnor på de gamla målningarna långa, smala och eleganta, men den statyn som hittades i Österrike, som har daterats till cirka 30 000 år f.Kr
1http://ki.se/ki/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=16990&a=36636&l=sv
måndag 14 december 2009
söndag 29 november 2009
Psykologi A
1. Göteborg som stad verkar i första anblick vara en väldigt accepterande plats. Det finns alla olika sorters människor men alla tycks hitta en egen liten grupp med jämnlikar. Olika klädstiler, livsstiler, etnisiteter och religioner blandas och skapar tillsammans den härliga staden Göteborg. Som vi märker i fallet med Meddour så är det först när två olika 'gruppers' vägar korsas som konflikter uppstår.
Slutsatsen som man kandra av detta är väl i så fall att göteborgarna (och folk i allmänhet för den delen) har lite dubbelmoral; 'folk får väl vara hur de vill, leva sina liv så som de finner passande - så länge de inte pratar med mig om det.'
Konformitet; att likna dem man umgås med, har väl aldrig varit något nytt, även om fenomenet kan ha ändrats med tidens lopp. Jag har fått uppfattningen om att förr i tiden var det ekonomin som som spelade störst roll i från om vem man kunde umgås med och inte - medelklass med medelklass och så vidare. Idag är det väl inte riktigt så. Som det så tydligt märktes på Nemesis och Tom så är intresse av oerhört stor vikt när men letar efter någon att umgås med. Deras gemensamma nämnare var satanismen - ett bra exempel på den 'destruktiva gruppen', vilken man ofta stannar kvar i endast på grund av just konformiteten inom umgängeskretsen - man känner att man hör hemma någonstans.
Den sociala kontrollen i just detta sammanhang är väldigt låg, i en storstad som Göteborg är så gott som alla anonyma. I fallet med Meddour betyder detta att trots att Nemesis och Tom är relativt välkända inom den egna kretsen så hade Josef inte en aning om vilken sorts killar de var. Jag är näst intill fullt övertygad om att om bristen på social kontroll inte hade varit så stor - om det till exempel hade utspelat sig i en mindre stad, så hade inte händelsen utvecklat sig så som den gjorde. Vad jag menar är inte att en liknande händelse inte skulle kunna hända på en plats med lägre social kontroll men jag skulle tro att storstadens höga anonymitet gjorde det enklare för en sådan händelse att äga rum.
Vad som förväntas av dig i en viss situation men en särskild person/grupp avgör vilken roll du spelar i just din grupp. Nemesis och Tom utgör en grupp, där jag får intrycker av att det är Nemesis som är ledaren. De personer som känner Tom, som får komma till tals under skrivandet av boken, vittnar om att han alltid varit lite 'awkward' - tills han hittade Metal-scenen att identifiera sig med. Att då hitta en ledare såsom Nemesis, som han kunde följa var tydligen hans sätt att känna sig hemma någonstans. Nemesis verkar vara mer säker på att satanismen och 'det mörka' är vad han vill viga sitt liv åt - och är därmed den självklare ledaren för gruppen. Den mest självklara rollkonflikten som jag lägger märke till i boken är Toms; när den blyge, aningen tafatte, lite wannabe metal-killen möter Nemesis och helt plötsligt förväntas han vara beredd att ge allt för att klassas som en riktig hardcore satanist. Att den tafatte killen då väljer att följa ledarens fotspår är ingenting som förvånar mig - konformitet; att känna sig som hemma, har ju som sagt alltid varit viktigt för människan.
2. Att samhället är uppbyggt kring normer (som vi själva har satt upp) för med sig både gott och ont. En av fördelarna med normerna är att de, i viss mån, hindrar samhället från att spåra ur fullkomligt - alla vet om vilka normer som finns och de flesta respekterar dem.
Människan har ett behov av att kategorisera andra människor och deras beteende för att kunna avgöra huruvida denna människa är en 'bra' eller 'dålig' person. I vårat kategoriserande är samhällets normer som en mall - om någons beteende strider mot de allmänna normerna så kan vi direkt märka detta och därmed avgöra vad vi tycker om personen - i vilket 'fack' vi bör lägga honom eller henne. Detta beteende gör det lättare för oss människor att acceptera det som händer runt omkring oss.
En av nackdelarna med normer är att så fort någon trampar utanför dessa gränser som vi tillsammans har satt upp så blir denna person väldigt lätt märkt som en dålig, annorlunda person. En som helt enkelt inte vet sin plats i samhället.
Det är ju ännu en negativ effekt av alla dessa normer och kategoriseringar - alla normer gäller inte på alla människor. Folk behandlas annorlunda beroende på vilket position de har i samhället; om de har mycket pengar eller lite, om de är svenskar eller har utländskt bakgrund och dylikt.
3.
Slutsatsen som man kandra av detta är väl i så fall att göteborgarna (och folk i allmänhet för den delen) har lite dubbelmoral; 'folk får väl vara hur de vill, leva sina liv så som de finner passande - så länge de inte pratar med mig om det.'
Konformitet; att likna dem man umgås med, har väl aldrig varit något nytt, även om fenomenet kan ha ändrats med tidens lopp. Jag har fått uppfattningen om att förr i tiden var det ekonomin som som spelade störst roll i från om vem man kunde umgås med och inte - medelklass med medelklass och så vidare. Idag är det väl inte riktigt så. Som det så tydligt märktes på Nemesis och Tom så är intresse av oerhört stor vikt när men letar efter någon att umgås med. Deras gemensamma nämnare var satanismen - ett bra exempel på den 'destruktiva gruppen', vilken man ofta stannar kvar i endast på grund av just konformiteten inom umgängeskretsen - man känner att man hör hemma någonstans.
Den sociala kontrollen i just detta sammanhang är väldigt låg, i en storstad som Göteborg är så gott som alla anonyma. I fallet med Meddour betyder detta att trots att Nemesis och Tom är relativt välkända inom den egna kretsen så hade Josef inte en aning om vilken sorts killar de var. Jag är näst intill fullt övertygad om att om bristen på social kontroll inte hade varit så stor - om det till exempel hade utspelat sig i en mindre stad, så hade inte händelsen utvecklat sig så som den gjorde. Vad jag menar är inte att en liknande händelse inte skulle kunna hända på en plats med lägre social kontroll men jag skulle tro att storstadens höga anonymitet gjorde det enklare för en sådan händelse att äga rum.
Vad som förväntas av dig i en viss situation men en särskild person/grupp avgör vilken roll du spelar i just din grupp. Nemesis och Tom utgör en grupp, där jag får intrycker av att det är Nemesis som är ledaren. De personer som känner Tom, som får komma till tals under skrivandet av boken, vittnar om att han alltid varit lite 'awkward' - tills han hittade Metal-scenen att identifiera sig med. Att då hitta en ledare såsom Nemesis, som han kunde följa var tydligen hans sätt att känna sig hemma någonstans. Nemesis verkar vara mer säker på att satanismen och 'det mörka' är vad han vill viga sitt liv åt - och är därmed den självklare ledaren för gruppen. Den mest självklara rollkonflikten som jag lägger märke till i boken är Toms; när den blyge, aningen tafatte, lite wannabe metal-killen möter Nemesis och helt plötsligt förväntas han vara beredd att ge allt för att klassas som en riktig hardcore satanist. Att den tafatte killen då väljer att följa ledarens fotspår är ingenting som förvånar mig - konformitet; att känna sig som hemma, har ju som sagt alltid varit viktigt för människan.
2. Att samhället är uppbyggt kring normer (som vi själva har satt upp) för med sig både gott och ont. En av fördelarna med normerna är att de, i viss mån, hindrar samhället från att spåra ur fullkomligt - alla vet om vilka normer som finns och de flesta respekterar dem.
Människan har ett behov av att kategorisera andra människor och deras beteende för att kunna avgöra huruvida denna människa är en 'bra' eller 'dålig' person. I vårat kategoriserande är samhällets normer som en mall - om någons beteende strider mot de allmänna normerna så kan vi direkt märka detta och därmed avgöra vad vi tycker om personen - i vilket 'fack' vi bör lägga honom eller henne. Detta beteende gör det lättare för oss människor att acceptera det som händer runt omkring oss.
En av nackdelarna med normer är att så fort någon trampar utanför dessa gränser som vi tillsammans har satt upp så blir denna person väldigt lätt märkt som en dålig, annorlunda person. En som helt enkelt inte vet sin plats i samhället.
Det är ju ännu en negativ effekt av alla dessa normer och kategoriseringar - alla normer gäller inte på alla människor. Folk behandlas annorlunda beroende på vilket position de har i samhället; om de har mycket pengar eller lite, om de är svenskar eller har utländskt bakgrund och dylikt.
3.
tisdag 17 november 2009
Fighting dragons with plastic swords
Today has been awful. Really awful. Nothing has been going my way and I just feel like dying.
I just finished baking the second cake for tomorrow, at least this one didn't break - yet. We're supposed to bring fika to school tomorrow, we're having a couple of different english tests from 9.00 - 14.00 with a tiny break somewhere in the middle.
I hate school. Especially english, since my teacher told me last friday that I might not even pass the course unless I write those blogposts on that fucking book. So, I have a lot of things to do. And I managed to delete my entire interview for the journalism class last week so I have to do that all over again. Then I have four other things in that course that has to be done. And then there's Science and Swedish and German - got three tests there this week. And thats pretty much it, so if I'm too busy to breathe some time don't worry - I'll get there.
Sitting at the kitchen table again. Alone, listening to the music I hate just because I feel that I'm not worth anything better than tears right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days, but I cry every fucking day. Sorry - every night. I can't sleep at night and it's really breaking me down to sit up all night. I just sit here, stare at something that doesn't really exist and cry. Every fucking night is the same.
But at least Gabbeh'll sleep here tomorrow. I think. I hope. I really really really really hope so. I miss her terribly and it has only been four and a half hours since I last saw her. It's weird how much you can miss someone..
Where is my angel I need her now, holding me tonight..
I'm on the edge of giving up right now.
I'm not writing that here for you to feel sorry for me and give me all your pity (I hate your pity), I only write that here to get it out. I can't bare this anylonger. It's just too much for me. I'm not like you, not as strong as all of you. I'm not the girl who solves her problems and just gets on with her life. I get caught up with things, people, emotions - everything. Nothing is too small to get caught up on.
I'm not the girl who knows when it's time to let go.
I gotta go.
I just finished baking the second cake for tomorrow, at least this one didn't break - yet. We're supposed to bring fika to school tomorrow, we're having a couple of different english tests from 9.00 - 14.00 with a tiny break somewhere in the middle.
I hate school. Especially english, since my teacher told me last friday that I might not even pass the course unless I write those blogposts on that fucking book. So, I have a lot of things to do. And I managed to delete my entire interview for the journalism class last week so I have to do that all over again. Then I have four other things in that course that has to be done. And then there's Science and Swedish and German - got three tests there this week. And thats pretty much it, so if I'm too busy to breathe some time don't worry - I'll get there.
Sitting at the kitchen table again. Alone, listening to the music I hate just because I feel that I'm not worth anything better than tears right now.
I don't know what's wrong with me these days, but I cry every fucking day. Sorry - every night. I can't sleep at night and it's really breaking me down to sit up all night. I just sit here, stare at something that doesn't really exist and cry. Every fucking night is the same.
But at least Gabbeh'll sleep here tomorrow. I think. I hope. I really really really really hope so. I miss her terribly and it has only been four and a half hours since I last saw her. It's weird how much you can miss someone..
Where is my angel I need her now, holding me tonight..
I'm on the edge of giving up right now.
I'm not writing that here for you to feel sorry for me and give me all your pity (I hate your pity), I only write that here to get it out. I can't bare this anylonger. It's just too much for me. I'm not like you, not as strong as all of you. I'm not the girl who solves her problems and just gets on with her life. I get caught up with things, people, emotions - everything. Nothing is too small to get caught up on.
I'm not the girl who knows when it's time to let go.
I gotta go.
fredag 13 november 2009
Diet Coke
So, now it's 2 o'clock and I have finally finished my news article for tomorrow, so now I just have to write the last part of my psychology assignment and my german homework. Gabbeh is asleep, so now I'm sitting here in front of my computer in the middle of the night as I always do.
I'm almost too tired to write so I'll just save it for some other day.
Bye
I'm almost too tired to write so I'll just save it for some other day.
Bye
tisdag 10 november 2009
Regression
"Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism, leading to the temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when thoughts are temporarily pushed back out of our consciousness and into our unconscious."
Hur kommer det sig att känslan av hopplöshet bara hoppar på en sådär när man minst anar det? När som allra allra minst behöver den, när man har två miljoner andra saker att tänka på så kommer den där känslan. Som en elchock.
Humörsvängningar, ohyes. För typ två timmar sen så var jag på topp, jag lagade mat åt min pappa, jag gick och handlade och jag jobbade på min psykologiinlämning som ska in i morgon. Jag kände mig motiverad att göra mitt bästa. Men sen bara dog den motivationen, likt dinosaurier.
Så länge jag inte vet orsaken till denna brist på energi och motivation så känns det omöjligt att försöka göra något åt den, men jag vill inte låta mina nereperioder styra mitt liv längre. Absolut inte när de perioderna bara blir fler och fler och längre och längre. Lyckan är ganska sällsynt.
Jag fattar verkligen inte det här, och det driver mig till vansinne. Jag hatar att inte hitta någon orsak till saker som händer, det måste finnas en logisk förklaring.
Det måste, det måste, det måste, det måste.
När jag inte hittar någon förklaring så känner jag mig onormal. Fel, om ni så vill.
Är det för mycket begärt att vilja leva ett normalt liv, som alla andra. Ingen av de andra har det såhär, ingen annan jag känner måste kämpa såhär mycket.
Varje dag är en kamp, och jag kämpar verkligen så mycket jag orkar, men det verkar inte räcka och jag vet verkligen inte vad jag ska ta mig till. Jag orkar inte ta itu med alla problem.
Skolan borde vi inte ens börja prata om. Jag orkar inte. Jag vill bara lägga mig på golvet och skrika varje gång en lärare nämner en ny uppgift som vi måste göra. JAG KLARAR INTE AV DET LÄNGRE! Ibland funderar jag allvarligt på att hoppa av skolan, jag tror jag valde fel program - jag kunde gått på Ester Mosesson by now. Okej, jag hade antagligen fått pendla till Göteborg vareviga morgon, men jag hade inte suttit här med ett helt berg av skolarbeten att göra. Det är antagligen bara ett sätt för mig att skylla mina bekymmer på något, men tänk om något så simpelt som ett annat val av gymnasieprogram hade förändrat allt? Om jag hade gått på E.M. så kanske mitt liv inte hade sett ut såhär nu? Det hade det antagligen inte, det hade med all säkerhet sett väldigt annorlunda ut jämfört med hur det ser ut just nu. Men då är den mest självklara frågan i hela världen: Hade det varit bättre, eller bara annorlunda? Hade jag mått såhär dåligt även om jag hade gått där?
Shit, en sån småsak skulle inte kunna förändra allt ändå, så vad fan ältar jag det här med gymnasieval för?
För att jag behöver något att skylla på, så att jag slipper ta skulden.
Gosh, jag borde inte hålla på såhär.
Hur kommer det sig att känslan av hopplöshet bara hoppar på en sådär när man minst anar det? När som allra allra minst behöver den, när man har två miljoner andra saker att tänka på så kommer den där känslan. Som en elchock.
Humörsvängningar, ohyes. För typ två timmar sen så var jag på topp, jag lagade mat åt min pappa, jag gick och handlade och jag jobbade på min psykologiinlämning som ska in i morgon. Jag kände mig motiverad att göra mitt bästa. Men sen bara dog den motivationen, likt dinosaurier.
Så länge jag inte vet orsaken till denna brist på energi och motivation så känns det omöjligt att försöka göra något åt den, men jag vill inte låta mina nereperioder styra mitt liv längre. Absolut inte när de perioderna bara blir fler och fler och längre och längre. Lyckan är ganska sällsynt.
Jag fattar verkligen inte det här, och det driver mig till vansinne. Jag hatar att inte hitta någon orsak till saker som händer, det måste finnas en logisk förklaring.
Det måste, det måste, det måste, det måste.
När jag inte hittar någon förklaring så känner jag mig onormal. Fel, om ni så vill.
Är det för mycket begärt att vilja leva ett normalt liv, som alla andra. Ingen av de andra har det såhär, ingen annan jag känner måste kämpa såhär mycket.
Varje dag är en kamp, och jag kämpar verkligen så mycket jag orkar, men det verkar inte räcka och jag vet verkligen inte vad jag ska ta mig till. Jag orkar inte ta itu med alla problem.
Skolan borde vi inte ens börja prata om. Jag orkar inte. Jag vill bara lägga mig på golvet och skrika varje gång en lärare nämner en ny uppgift som vi måste göra. JAG KLARAR INTE AV DET LÄNGRE! Ibland funderar jag allvarligt på att hoppa av skolan, jag tror jag valde fel program - jag kunde gått på Ester Mosesson by now. Okej, jag hade antagligen fått pendla till Göteborg vareviga morgon, men jag hade inte suttit här med ett helt berg av skolarbeten att göra. Det är antagligen bara ett sätt för mig att skylla mina bekymmer på något, men tänk om något så simpelt som ett annat val av gymnasieprogram hade förändrat allt? Om jag hade gått på E.M. så kanske mitt liv inte hade sett ut såhär nu? Det hade det antagligen inte, det hade med all säkerhet sett väldigt annorlunda ut jämfört med hur det ser ut just nu. Men då är den mest självklara frågan i hela världen: Hade det varit bättre, eller bara annorlunda? Hade jag mått såhär dåligt även om jag hade gått där?
Shit, en sån småsak skulle inte kunna förändra allt ändå, så vad fan ältar jag det här med gymnasieval för?
För att jag behöver något att skylla på, så att jag slipper ta skulden.
Gosh, jag borde inte hålla på såhär.
måndag 9 november 2009
We need to find a way
So, today has been awkward. Overslept - again, and missed the italian test so now I have to do it on thursday instead. I guess that's good, now I have some time for preparation.
At least now I'm friends with My again, feels good.
Bad things that happened today: I deleted my entire interview that I was supposed to print out and give to Ali. So now I have to do it all over again. Thank God I didn't delete the tape. Another bad thing then. Mom called and told me about the letter that she had gotten from the police. So now I have to go to the station on thursday, three o'clock. Daddy's going with me. I really didn't want my mom to know about all this, 'cause just I thought she would she made this a really big deal and I can't do that. I just want to forget everything. And obviously she got really angry with my father for not telling her about it, but hey, not telling her was my decision not his. Anyhow, I just want to get this whole thing overwith.
I figured something out just this second. Well, I've thought about it a lot lately but now I'm sick of it. People that I used to know (or that I thought I knew) don't give a rats ass about me. Did they ever? Or was that just one big show? And I'm not talking about anyone I meet on the streets once or twice, I'm talking about the people I really thought I loved. That I could have given my life for. Why do you lose contact with certain people? It's weird, you always lose the people that you need. Bummer.
I really don't feel like giving that too much thought, that'll only make me miss those days even more. The summer of 2007.
Now I'm tired and I think I might try and go to bed before midnight tonight, but I don't know. I don't know how I'd feel tomorrow morning if I sleep for eight hours, haven't done in quite some time now.
I think I'll just make myself a nice cup of coffee and see what this evening has to offer.
Bye
At least now I'm friends with My again, feels good.
Bad things that happened today: I deleted my entire interview that I was supposed to print out and give to Ali. So now I have to do it all over again. Thank God I didn't delete the tape. Another bad thing then. Mom called and told me about the letter that she had gotten from the police. So now I have to go to the station on thursday, three o'clock. Daddy's going with me. I really didn't want my mom to know about all this, 'cause just I thought she would she made this a really big deal and I can't do that. I just want to forget everything. And obviously she got really angry with my father for not telling her about it, but hey, not telling her was my decision not his. Anyhow, I just want to get this whole thing overwith.
I figured something out just this second. Well, I've thought about it a lot lately but now I'm sick of it. People that I used to know (or that I thought I knew) don't give a rats ass about me. Did they ever? Or was that just one big show? And I'm not talking about anyone I meet on the streets once or twice, I'm talking about the people I really thought I loved. That I could have given my life for. Why do you lose contact with certain people? It's weird, you always lose the people that you need. Bummer.
I really don't feel like giving that too much thought, that'll only make me miss those days even more. The summer of 2007.
Now I'm tired and I think I might try and go to bed before midnight tonight, but I don't know. I don't know how I'd feel tomorrow morning if I sleep for eight hours, haven't done in quite some time now.
I think I'll just make myself a nice cup of coffee and see what this evening has to offer.
Bye
söndag 8 november 2009
The ghost of you
Now I'm back from spending another weekend at my mothers. It's like going to rehab. All I do when I'm there is sleeping, and eating - recovering from the week that has just passed. And it feels good, right until when I get on the bus back home. Then all the thoughts come back and all of a sudden I'm back to where I was on friday evening. It's weird.
But this weekend has been pretty good, we celebrated my brothers 21st birthday on saturday, then we spent the afternoon with grandpa. I really love him, he's awesome. And today we celebrated 'Father's Day' and I wasn't planning om going back to Sexdrega after that but somehow I left my cellphone so I had to go back and then take the bus, like I always do. But I'm glad I took the bus today, 'cause Gabbeh was on that bus as well and I just love taking the bus wtih her. It's one of the few moments when I feel really happy with myself. I love you, you make my life complete.
So now Mervie and dad just got home - he picked her up from work. So she's sleeping here tonight, and you know how that makes me feel. Not good.
However, I don't have anything else to write now.
Bye
But this weekend has been pretty good, we celebrated my brothers 21st birthday on saturday, then we spent the afternoon with grandpa. I really love him, he's awesome. And today we celebrated 'Father's Day' and I wasn't planning om going back to Sexdrega after that but somehow I left my cellphone so I had to go back and then take the bus, like I always do. But I'm glad I took the bus today, 'cause Gabbeh was on that bus as well and I just love taking the bus wtih her. It's one of the few moments when I feel really happy with myself. I love you, you make my life complete.
So now Mervie and dad just got home - he picked her up from work. So she's sleeping here tonight, and you know how that makes me feel. Not good.
However, I don't have anything else to write now.
Bye
fredag 6 november 2009
glass-shaped hearts
Why do I have to cry myself to sleep every night just because you're not lying right next to me?
Why do my hands start shivering like leaves everytime I know I'm gonna see you?
Why do I feel the need to pretend to be happy everytime you're around?
Why dooes my head spin everytime I hear you're name?
Why do I always wish I was perfect when you can see me?
I guess that somewhere deep down I want you to feel sorry about it. I want you to miss me at least half as much as I miss you. I guess I want you to be miserable.
Why do I feel like the biggest failure to ever walk these streets?
Why do my hands start shivering like leaves everytime I know I'm gonna see you?
Why do I feel the need to pretend to be happy everytime you're around?
Why dooes my head spin everytime I hear you're name?
Why do I always wish I was perfect when you can see me?
I guess that somewhere deep down I want you to feel sorry about it. I want you to miss me at least half as much as I miss you. I guess I want you to be miserable.
Why do I feel like the biggest failure to ever walk these streets?
torsdag 5 november 2009
We might as well be strangers
I've been thinking and I think it would be much better for me if I went to bed around eleven, perhaps even half past ten. 'Cause I always start feeling bad around midnight. Every night. It's always like this, everything (or at least almost everything) has been good during the day, and then the clock strikes twelve and all of a sudden all these thought come crashing towards me they're impossible to stop.
It shouldn't be like this, so why is it so hard to change?
I don't understand you. Did I ever? Or did you just fool me big time?
It shouldn't be like this, so why is it so hard to change?
I don't understand you. Did I ever? Or did you just fool me big time?
You can't see how weak you are
Why do you make this so fucking hard for me?!
I'm sick of this, sick of fooling myself, sick of being fooled by everyone else.
Why is it so damn hard to stop loving you when I know darn well that you don't love me anymore? Am I a horrible person? 'Cause that's what you're making me believe. You make me feel unworthy of love. How can it be so easy for you to stop loving me when I can't fool myself to believe that I don't love you for even a second?
I might be fooling you at times, and I try really hard to fool myself. I tell myself everyday that I don't love you anymore, and I tell everyone else too, just to make myself believe it. You make me hate myself, 'cause if you don't love me anymore why should I? What do you think is the reason for me behaving like this? I don't eat, I hardly wake up in the morning, I can't sleep - I can't do anything. Just because you make me feel that I'm not worthy of love. Nothing can make me feel really good anymore.
I don't get it. Why is this so fucking hard for me when it's so freaking easy for you?!
It's just not fair.
What is it about me that makes me so unloved? How come I not deserve to feel good about myself?
I can't do this anymore, I can't waste all my energy on trying to fool myself when I know that it's not working.
It shouldn't be this hard you know..
I'm sick of this, sick of fooling myself, sick of being fooled by everyone else.
Why is it so damn hard to stop loving you when I know darn well that you don't love me anymore? Am I a horrible person? 'Cause that's what you're making me believe. You make me feel unworthy of love. How can it be so easy for you to stop loving me when I can't fool myself to believe that I don't love you for even a second?
I might be fooling you at times, and I try really hard to fool myself. I tell myself everyday that I don't love you anymore, and I tell everyone else too, just to make myself believe it. You make me hate myself, 'cause if you don't love me anymore why should I? What do you think is the reason for me behaving like this? I don't eat, I hardly wake up in the morning, I can't sleep - I can't do anything. Just because you make me feel that I'm not worthy of love. Nothing can make me feel really good anymore.
I don't get it. Why is this so fucking hard for me when it's so freaking easy for you?!
It's just not fair.
What is it about me that makes me so unloved? How come I not deserve to feel good about myself?
I can't do this anymore, I can't waste all my energy on trying to fool myself when I know that it's not working.
It shouldn't be this hard you know..
tisdag 3 november 2009
God forbid
Tonight's soundtrack : We might as well be strangers - Keane
She's losing it. Totally.
I don't know why I put up with this anymore..
Goodnight.
(you're a disappointment)
She's losing it. Totally.
I don't know why I put up with this anymore..
Goodnight.
(you're a disappointment)
måndag 2 november 2009
On the move
It's raining. And I hate it. But I like it, now I have a reason to not meet people. I'm sick and tired of always having people telling me where to be and when to be there. I want to have my own way, do things on my own terms. It's like the world doesn't trust me with time, as if they feel the need to always tell me what to do or otherwise I wouldn't do anything. Okey, I probably
wouldn't do that much but at least I'd have a fair shot at happiness, right?
Just let me do what I want, okey?
I just want to be able to choose for myself.
wouldn't do that much but at least I'd have a fair shot at happiness, right?
Just let me do what I want, okey?
I just want to be able to choose for myself.
Spring blues
Yep, seems like I got what I wished for.
Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
Now all the feelings I had this spring is right back. I can feel her presence when she's not even here. I wanted her to come back, to change him, not to take him away from me once and again. I hate it when he lets her take him from me. She and her rotten little children. The thing is, he cares more for them than for me.
Everything feels just the same now, almost.. There are a few things that are different now and ofcourse they matter, but I know things will never be like that again. I had something to look forward to then. Someone to talk about everythingg with. And the walls were brand new, I was creating a new home and now all I can think about is how much I miss the old place. I'd give anything to have April back again.
Can we bring yetserday back around?
Of course we can't, fool..
Even if you left me and my brother,
even if you left us and our mother.
Want nothing more than to catch your eye.
Would you be impressed with how far I've climbed
Without your assistance,
With you nowhere in sight.
Is it okey to miss something this much, or is it just some weird sickness that I have brought upon myself? I mean, I know darn well that this might haunt me forever. You might haunt me for all times. And I let you - now hos stupid is that?
Gosh, I think too much.. I should probably get a hobby or something, something to do when I feel the thought come flying towards me with no chance of stopping them. I hate thinking about these things.
I hate to think about you, him and her, me, the old times, the future..
Now the future really scares me.
How you wonder who you'll be..
I have no idea what my life will be like in a couple of years. No clue what so ever, and that scares me.
You know that classic 'the walls are closing in' feeling? That's exactly how I feel right now. My life is getting smaller and smaller, but at the same time it feels as if I'm becoming smaller and smaller too.. Ah, never mind. You'd never understand anyway so..
Godnight
Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
Now all the feelings I had this spring is right back. I can feel her presence when she's not even here. I wanted her to come back, to change him, not to take him away from me once and again. I hate it when he lets her take him from me. She and her rotten little children. The thing is, he cares more for them than for me.
Everything feels just the same now, almost.. There are a few things that are different now and ofcourse they matter, but I know things will never be like that again. I had something to look forward to then. Someone to talk about everythingg with. And the walls were brand new, I was creating a new home and now all I can think about is how much I miss the old place. I'd give anything to have April back again.
Can we bring yetserday back around?
Of course we can't, fool..
Even if you left me and my brother,
even if you left us and our mother.
Want nothing more than to catch your eye.
Would you be impressed with how far I've climbed
Without your assistance,
With you nowhere in sight.
Is it okey to miss something this much, or is it just some weird sickness that I have brought upon myself? I mean, I know darn well that this might haunt me forever. You might haunt me for all times. And I let you - now hos stupid is that?
Gosh, I think too much.. I should probably get a hobby or something, something to do when I feel the thought come flying towards me with no chance of stopping them. I hate thinking about these things.
I hate to think about you, him and her, me, the old times, the future..
Now the future really scares me.
How you wonder who you'll be..
I have no idea what my life will be like in a couple of years. No clue what so ever, and that scares me.
You know that classic 'the walls are closing in' feeling? That's exactly how I feel right now. My life is getting smaller and smaller, but at the same time it feels as if I'm becoming smaller and smaller too.. Ah, never mind. You'd never understand anyway so..
Godnight
söndag 1 november 2009
Oh my brothers
Isn't it just great when you get to the place you usually call home and find out that someone else has been living there while you were gone? Like that's not enough, the bitch that almost stole your home left you some money and a movie ticket. And she cleaned your room and she and her daughter went to see a movie with your father, which means that your dad wont be sleeping at home, so you wont be seeing him until tomorrow. If he decides to comoe home that is.
This sucks.
I know I should be really happy that he is seeing her again, but I can't help it. I hate her,with all my heart. She is nothing but a slutty little thief.
That's pretty much al I wanted to tell you today. I thought this was gonne be one of those really really long, hateful blogposts but I don't see a reason to write too manyu words about her.
Three words
I
Hate
Her
This sucks.
I know I should be really happy that he is seeing her again, but I can't help it. I hate her,with all my heart. She is nothing but a slutty little thief.
That's pretty much al I wanted to tell you today. I thought this was gonne be one of those really really long, hateful blogposts but I don't see a reason to write too manyu words about her.
Three words
I
Hate
Her
torsdag 29 oktober 2009
So we can not know ourselves
I'm feeling good. Really good.
The panic disappeared and now I feel great. I've had three big glasses of coffee and that might have something to do with it but that's not the point right now. It feels as if I could be awake all night but no one else is awake right now so I'm starting to get a tiny bit bored.
I guess I got to break the news - that I got no mind to lose
So, it's almost two o'clock, and I have nothing else to tell you right now. Except that I wish I had a time machine. I want to rewind time, six months. But that's not important right now either. It was, a couple of hours ago but not anymore.
Now I'm starting to annoy myself. A lot. So it might be time for some sleep, before I drive myself ever more crazy.
NightyNight.
The panic disappeared and now I feel great. I've had three big glasses of coffee and that might have something to do with it but that's not the point right now. It feels as if I could be awake all night but no one else is awake right now so I'm starting to get a tiny bit bored.
I guess I got to break the news - that I got no mind to lose
So, it's almost two o'clock, and I have nothing else to tell you right now. Except that I wish I had a time machine. I want to rewind time, six months. But that's not important right now either. It was, a couple of hours ago but not anymore.
Now I'm starting to annoy myself. A lot. So it might be time for some sleep, before I drive myself ever more crazy.
NightyNight.
onsdag 28 oktober 2009
I wanna kick your teeth in
Okey this was not how I had planned this evening. I didn't plan it at all, but I never thought this was a possibility.
My dad jjust left to spend the night at Mervie's place, which leaves me all alone. All alone, in the apartment. On my own. I can't deal with these things, I can't be alone. I can't, I panic. Totally panic. Not good.
Anyone - and I mean ANYONE is welcome to spend the night here tonight. I got my bed, dad's bed (a double) and an awesome couch to sleep in, it's your choise.
I haven't even been alone for an hour and my head is already spinning.
Crazy son of a bitch.
My dad jjust left to spend the night at Mervie's place, which leaves me all alone. All alone, in the apartment. On my own. I can't deal with these things, I can't be alone. I can't, I panic. Totally panic. Not good.
Anyone - and I mean ANYONE is welcome to spend the night here tonight. I got my bed, dad's bed (a double) and an awesome couch to sleep in, it's your choise.
I haven't even been alone for an hour and my head is already spinning.
Crazy son of a bitch.
tisdag 27 oktober 2009
This time baby I'll be bulletproof
Today's Special : mixed The Honorary Title songs
I don't really see a reason to keep writing here, it's not that fun anymore. But I guess I'll keep on doing it anyway, just to have somewhere to ventilate all the feelings I can't bring myself to say out loud.
Today has been jolly god really. Woke up at 07.20 got up had 'breakfast', got ready and took the 09.06 bus to Svenljunga and spent a couple of hours with Klumpen. We bought bleach, realized that we were both equally speeded, so we decided to take a walk. Passed the school, met up with Conrad (my saber-toothed tiger) and sat and smoked a couple of cigarettes and talked to him for a while. Walked pass the witches house too, looked pretty much the same as it always has. Okey, I don't have the energy to write down everythng we did today but it was one hell of a day. I was happy - truly happy. Thanks sweetie, you really made my day.
Visited my mom for a few hours as well. Spent them all with Lois but at least I was at home for a while. We watched The Smurfs - I miss beeing a child. Everything was easier then.
Tomorrow I'll be going to Ulricehamn with My - she is finally getting her tattoo! I'm so excited, but not half as excited as she seems to be.
There are a lot of things on my mind right now, and I'm not sure if I'm able to categorize them, or deal with them in any way. It's just too much for me to handle right now.
And I'm gettin sick. Like, really sick with fever and soar throat and that freaking cough is back too. Now that could drive anyone a little bit more crazy.
I want Christmas. Now. I want presents. Loads of them. Expensive ones. I want someone to spoil me.
Now I'm gonna watch the end of NCIS and then I'll probably be going to bed. I think I need sleep.
I don't really see a reason to keep writing here, it's not that fun anymore. But I guess I'll keep on doing it anyway, just to have somewhere to ventilate all the feelings I can't bring myself to say out loud.
Today has been jolly god really. Woke up at 07.20 got up had 'breakfast', got ready and took the 09.06 bus to Svenljunga and spent a couple of hours with Klumpen. We bought bleach, realized that we were both equally speeded, so we decided to take a walk. Passed the school, met up with Conrad (my saber-toothed tiger) and sat and smoked a couple of cigarettes and talked to him for a while. Walked pass the witches house too, looked pretty much the same as it always has. Okey, I don't have the energy to write down everythng we did today but it was one hell of a day. I was happy - truly happy. Thanks sweetie, you really made my day.
Visited my mom for a few hours as well. Spent them all with Lois but at least I was at home for a while. We watched The Smurfs - I miss beeing a child. Everything was easier then.
Tomorrow I'll be going to Ulricehamn with My - she is finally getting her tattoo! I'm so excited, but not half as excited as she seems to be.
There are a lot of things on my mind right now, and I'm not sure if I'm able to categorize them, or deal with them in any way. It's just too much for me to handle right now.
And I'm gettin sick. Like, really sick with fever and soar throat and that freaking cough is back too. Now that could drive anyone a little bit more crazy.
I want Christmas. Now. I want presents. Loads of them. Expensive ones. I want someone to spoil me.
Now I'm gonna watch the end of NCIS and then I'll probably be going to bed. I think I need sleep.
måndag 26 oktober 2009
She can't sleep at night
yep, that totally ruined my day. Which wasn't way too bad actually. Nice job, dumbass.
Enough about that.
There is so much going on in my head right now, and I can't concentrate on anything anylonger. I feel .. restless. And annoyed with pretty much everyone who is trying to speak to me. I want everyone to just get off of my back, but they're not listening to me.
This whole thing with my dad seems to be getting better. At least a little, haven't been screaming, crying och praying to God that he'll die at all today. Now that's gotta be a step in the right direction.
I don't know you guys, I just feel so confused. I still feel the need for someone to hold me and tell me all the lies I wanna hear, that everything will work out, that nothing is my fault and that I'm not alone in this mess. I need to hear it.
Right now, all I want to do is take a walk over to the neighborhood where I used to live, but I can't bring myself to go there alone, and I canät find someone to join me so I guess I'll be going to bed sometime soon. I think that's one of the things about me - I give too easily. If my plan doesn't work out instantly I simply give up. Gotta stop doing that.
I'm trying really hard to lose weight. That is one of the things I'll never give up on. not until I've reached that freaking goal that I have. What ever, you don't wanna read about that anyways.
Now I'll try one more tima ti find someone to take a walk with me. If I don't find anyone I might be going to bed. Bye.
Enough about that.
There is so much going on in my head right now, and I can't concentrate on anything anylonger. I feel .. restless. And annoyed with pretty much everyone who is trying to speak to me. I want everyone to just get off of my back, but they're not listening to me.
This whole thing with my dad seems to be getting better. At least a little, haven't been screaming, crying och praying to God that he'll die at all today. Now that's gotta be a step in the right direction.
I don't know you guys, I just feel so confused. I still feel the need for someone to hold me and tell me all the lies I wanna hear, that everything will work out, that nothing is my fault and that I'm not alone in this mess. I need to hear it.
Right now, all I want to do is take a walk over to the neighborhood where I used to live, but I can't bring myself to go there alone, and I canät find someone to join me so I guess I'll be going to bed sometime soon. I think that's one of the things about me - I give too easily. If my plan doesn't work out instantly I simply give up. Gotta stop doing that.
I'm trying really hard to lose weight. That is one of the things I'll never give up on. not until I've reached that freaking goal that I have. What ever, you don't wanna read about that anyways.
Now I'll try one more tima ti find someone to take a walk with me. If I don't find anyone I might be going to bed. Bye.
söndag 25 oktober 2009
Flashback
To start with, I only want to say I'm sorry to everyone who is reading this. This is not the side of me that I wish to show you, but you give me no choice.
I seriously never thought that this day would come. I thought that after I got over it the last time it would never come back. But it did.
I hate him. He's the most horrible person I know and I want him dead. I've prayed to God that he would just fall dead to the ground. I don't want to see his face ever again, and I can't hear his voice without feeling sick. He makes want to through up my guts.
After getting over what he did to her I though everything wouold be okey, I thought to myself that I would not be so freaking selfish about this. But I don't care anymore, and neither do any of you so just stop the fucking pretending, would you?
I don't give shit about what any of you say about him right now, you don't understand. It's not your lives that he's destroying!
I can't live like this.
You don't deserve to live.
I seriously never thought that this day would come. I thought that after I got over it the last time it would never come back. But it did.
I hate him. He's the most horrible person I know and I want him dead. I've prayed to God that he would just fall dead to the ground. I don't want to see his face ever again, and I can't hear his voice without feeling sick. He makes want to through up my guts.
After getting over what he did to her I though everything wouold be okey, I thought to myself that I would not be so freaking selfish about this. But I don't care anymore, and neither do any of you so just stop the fucking pretending, would you?
I don't give shit about what any of you say about him right now, you don't understand. It's not your lives that he's destroying!
I can't live like this.
You don't deserve to live.
onsdag 21 oktober 2009
Back to the start again
So, today has been the usual catasrophy so far. Woke up this morning, feeling even worse than I did yesterday but I went to school anyways. Listened to Clara when she talked about CocaCola and human rights - was pretty good actually. Then english, then some Popkollotalk and then home and get something to eat. Later I'm goingg back school to have my psycologiy test back. Hopefully.
My life is falling apart and I can't not feel bad about it. People always complain about things, especially my dad. He's the worst. And pretty much everyone else is doing it to. It seems that no matter what I do there's always something wrong about it. What can I do to get better? I don't know..
I miss the old days. Sometimes at least. Not like years ago (even if those days were really good) but just a couple of months ago. I miss the summer. Being able to almost what ever I wanted to, almost anytime I wanted it. That's not possible anymore, for more than just one reason. What I want is impossible get. That sucks.
I know I shouldn't bother others with my issues, they have their own to think about but I need to talk to someone. But who do you talk to when everyone else is feeling bad - probably even worse than me? Never mind..
I'm gonna stop this now. No more just sitting and listening to everyone else when I know damn well that they would never listen to me without interrupting to talk about their own problems. I'm not up for this anymore.
No more Mr. Nice Guy, so to speak.
My life is falling apart and I can't not feel bad about it. People always complain about things, especially my dad. He's the worst. And pretty much everyone else is doing it to. It seems that no matter what I do there's always something wrong about it. What can I do to get better? I don't know..
I miss the old days. Sometimes at least. Not like years ago (even if those days were really good) but just a couple of months ago. I miss the summer. Being able to almost what ever I wanted to, almost anytime I wanted it. That's not possible anymore, for more than just one reason. What I want is impossible get. That sucks.
I know I shouldn't bother others with my issues, they have their own to think about but I need to talk to someone. But who do you talk to when everyone else is feeling bad - probably even worse than me? Never mind..
I'm gonna stop this now. No more just sitting and listening to everyone else when I know damn well that they would never listen to me without interrupting to talk about their own problems. I'm not up for this anymore.
No more Mr. Nice Guy, so to speak.
måndag 19 oktober 2009
what ever
jag tappar kontrollen över allting nu. jag vet inte knappt vem jag är längre - jag orkar inte tänka på det. Ingen energi kvar, behöver sömn, orkar inte äta. mår illa och spyr snart upp mina inälvor.
Någon som har lust att hålla koll på mig den kommande tiden? för jag är inte längre kapabel att ta hand om mig själv. Hade det varit upp helkt och hållet upp till mig så hade allting slutat nu.
Detta handlar inte om det som jag tror att ni tror. det här är mycket större än så,.
Jag behöver någon som tar hand om mig.,
Lägg in mig
Någon som har lust att hålla koll på mig den kommande tiden? för jag är inte längre kapabel att ta hand om mig själv. Hade det varit upp helkt och hållet upp till mig så hade allting slutat nu.
Detta handlar inte om det som jag tror att ni tror. det här är mycket större än så,.
Jag behöver någon som tar hand om mig.,
Lägg in mig
hatisk
Japp, här nedanför finner ni vad Louis har roat sig med ikväll.
4o instuderingsfrågor i naturkunskap B som skulle lämnats in förra veckan.
Blir till att renskriva intervjun på rasten i morgon då.
KUL ! ._____.
Nu ska jag gå och dö i min säng.
Heippa
4o instuderingsfrågor i naturkunskap B som skulle lämnats in förra veckan.
Blir till att renskriva intervjun på rasten i morgon då.
KUL ! ._____.
Nu ska jag gå och dö i min säng.
Heippa
söndag 18 oktober 2009
naturkunskap B instuderingsfrågor
Cellen
3. En prokaryot cell saknar körnmembran - eukaryota celler har kärnmembran.
5. - Cellkärna; kommunkontoret, det som bestämmer över de övriga delarna.
- Ribosomer; fabriker som tillverkar enzymer.
- Mitokondrier; energiverk - förser cellen med den energi som den behöver för att kunna fungera.
- Golgiapparater; lagerlokalen där proteinerna lagras.
- Lysosomer; reningsverket som bryter ner de ämnen som cellen inte längre har någon användning för.
Genetik
14. Mendel forskade om det biologiska arvet genom att korsbefrukta gula, gröna, skrynkliga och släta ärtor för att se vilka anlag och egenskaper som visade sig hos den efterkommande 'generationen'.
15. Mendels försök med ärtorna fick honom att dra slutsatsen att det är inte egenskaper som ärvs - det är anlag. Hans försök visade även att en del anlag kan ligga dolda och måste därmed inte visa sig i den generation som kommer direkt efter men kan komma att visa sig i senare generationer.
17. En könscell uppstår genom celldelning. Kromosomantalet reduceras till hälften för kromosomerna i en könscell arbetar i par. Det som skiljer en könscell från en vanlig cell är alltså kromosomantalet.
18. Alla anlag som vi ärver från våra föräldrar kommer i par - ett från mamman och ett från pappan. Det svarta, homozygota marsvinet har två anlag för svart päls medan det heterozygota svarta marsvinet har ett anlag för vit päls men ett för svart som är starkare än det vita anlaget och därför blev det svart, precis som det homozygota.
19. Intermediär nedvärvning är när individen ärver två anlag där inget är dominant och ser därför ut som ett mellanting mellan de två anlagen.
20. genotyp = de arvsanlag som ses samt de som ligger dolda.
fenotyp = resultatet av miljö+arvsanlag.
21. En DNA-molekyl kan liknas vid en spiraltrappa där trappstegen utgörs av DNA-baser. De fyra olika DNA-baserna (A, T, C och G) bildar par och paren kan endast bestå av antingen A och T eller av C och G.
22. Den genetiska koden är kombinationen av de tre olika basparen samt dess tillhörande aminosyror.
24. En mutation är en skada eller förändring som sker hos alla organismer.
25. Det finns tre olika sorters mutationer; genmutation, kromosommutation och kromosomantalsmutation.
26. HUGO-projektet går ut på att kartlägga människans DNA.
27. - Ultraljud. Används på så gott som alla gravida kvinnor. Med hjälp av ultraljud kan man se ifall det finns mer än ett foster. Man kan också kolla efter eventuella missbildningar samt kontrollera så att fostret växer i normal hastighet.
- Fostervattensprover. Erbjuds de kvinnor som är över 35 år eller som tidigare har fött barn med genetiska sjukdomar. Med denna teknik kan man få reda på mer om fostret som då till exempel om det har någon sjukdom. Man kan räkna kromosomerna och därmed upptäcka sjukdomar som Downs syndrom eller mongolism.
28. En form av växtförädling är korsningsförädling. Ett exempel på detta är åkerbärshallonet, där man korsat hallon och åkerbär för att få fram ett bär som smakar som åkerbär men som ger en avkastning som hallon.
En annan form är mutationsförädling. Även detta är för att höja avkastningen, man får växterna att bli större och mogna fortare.
29. Att förädla djur är betydligt svårare än växtförädling då endel korsningar helt enkelt är omöjliga, och det är heller inte möjligt att få ett djur att växa fortare och bli större genom att dubbla kromosomuppsättningen.
Bioteknik
30. Det var upptäckten om att man kan 'klippa ut' en viss gen ur en DNA-sprial och sedan 'klistra in' den hos en bakterie och på så vis tillverka dessa ämnen som just den genen egentligen ska tillverka. Denna upptäckten resulterade i att man numera kan framställa insulin som sedan ges till diabetiker, eftersom att genen som tillverkar insulin inte fungerar hos diabetikern.
31. Kloning innebär att man genom att transplantera celler från en äggcell kan framställa en exakt kopia av en individ.
32. Framställa insulin med hjälp av baterier går till så att man 'klipper ut' den gen som tillverkar insulin från ett djur (grisars insulin är det som liknar människans mest) och sedan planterar in det i en bakteri som sedan tillverkar insulin. Idag kan man överföra anlag för insulinproduktion från människor till bakterier. Det färdiga insulinet ges sen till diabetiker.
33. Ett transgent djur är ett djur som bär arvsanlag från olika arter.
34. Med hjälp av genmodifiering kan man göra om en växts ämnesomsättning och därmed också förändra och förbättra växtens näringsvärde.
Livets uppkomst och utveckling
1. Typiskt för en levande organism är att den kan föröka sig
Hur uppkom livet?
3. Vattenånga, kväve, metan, koldioxid och ammoniak.
4. Man tror att det var cyanobakterierna som var startpunkten för livets utveckling.
5. Några viktiga händelser i livets tidigia utveckling är när arvsmassan hos en cell samlas i kärnan istället för att finnas i hela cellen - detta hände för cirka 1.5 miljarder år sedan. Några andra händelser var när de första flercelliga organismerna uppstod, sedan när ryggradsdjuren uppkom och sedan när livet erövrade land, tidigare hade liv bara existerat i vattnet.
6. Man har funnit fossiler som man har lyckats datera till ungefär 600 miljoner år sedan och med hjälp av dessa kan vi föreställa oss hur de dåvarande liven såg ut.
7. Fiskarna var de första djuren som hade en ryggrad.
8. För att en växt ska klara av att leva på land behöver den följande: sol, vatten, värme, koldioxid och syre.
9. De första djur som anpassade sig till ett liv på land var insekterna, sedan kom groddjuren - som utvecklats ur fiskarna.
10. För cirka 270 miljoner år sedan höjdes tempertaturen vilken ledde till att havsytan sjönk och sjöar torkade ut. Klimatet blev då fuktigt och detta bidrog till växande skogar.
11. Enda anledning till att kräldjur är bättre anpassade till ett liv på land än groddjuren är det faktum att groddjuren behöver fukt - det gör inte kräldjur.
12. Den främsta teorin om hur dinosaurierna dog ut är teorin om att en gigantiskt meteorit slog ner på jorden och orsakade jättestora bränder. Detta ledde till att alla dinosaurier dog.
13. Djuren och de gömfröiga växterna har utevcklats mest.
14. Vårat släktträd skildes från apornas för cirka 7 mioljoner år sedan. Utvecklingen gick från släktet Homo och sedan utvecklades den till vår art - Homo Sapiens.
15. Sydapan hade en likadan kroppsbyggnad som människan men hade inte ett lika utvecklat intellekt. Nutidsmänniskan var den händiga människan.
16. Homo Erectus var den första människan som kunde stå upprätt.
Evolutionen
17. Lamarck trodde att egenskaper som organismer förvärvar under sin livstid kunde föras vidare till nästa generation. Denna teori är felaktig då man ärver anlag - inte egenskaper.
18. - Alla arter uppvisar ärftlig variation.
- Att utveckligen pågått under en lång tid.
- Att djur och växter producerar mycket mer avkomma än den som kommer att fortplanta sig.
19. Fossilfynd, jämförande av anatomi, embryologi och rudimentära anlag.
20. Skelettet hos en människa är uppbyggt på samma vis som hos en fladdermus, då de båda består av överarm, armbåge, underarm, handled och fingrar.
3. En prokaryot cell saknar körnmembran - eukaryota celler har kärnmembran.
5. - Cellkärna; kommunkontoret, det som bestämmer över de övriga delarna.
- Ribosomer; fabriker som tillverkar enzymer.
- Mitokondrier; energiverk - förser cellen med den energi som den behöver för att kunna fungera.
- Golgiapparater; lagerlokalen där proteinerna lagras.
- Lysosomer; reningsverket som bryter ner de ämnen som cellen inte längre har någon användning för.
Genetik
14. Mendel forskade om det biologiska arvet genom att korsbefrukta gula, gröna, skrynkliga och släta ärtor för att se vilka anlag och egenskaper som visade sig hos den efterkommande 'generationen'.
15. Mendels försök med ärtorna fick honom att dra slutsatsen att det är inte egenskaper som ärvs - det är anlag. Hans försök visade även att en del anlag kan ligga dolda och måste därmed inte visa sig i den generation som kommer direkt efter men kan komma att visa sig i senare generationer.
17. En könscell uppstår genom celldelning. Kromosomantalet reduceras till hälften för kromosomerna i en könscell arbetar i par. Det som skiljer en könscell från en vanlig cell är alltså kromosomantalet.
18. Alla anlag som vi ärver från våra föräldrar kommer i par - ett från mamman och ett från pappan. Det svarta, homozygota marsvinet har två anlag för svart päls medan det heterozygota svarta marsvinet har ett anlag för vit päls men ett för svart som är starkare än det vita anlaget och därför blev det svart, precis som det homozygota.
19. Intermediär nedvärvning är när individen ärver två anlag där inget är dominant och ser därför ut som ett mellanting mellan de två anlagen.
20. genotyp = de arvsanlag som ses samt de som ligger dolda.
fenotyp = resultatet av miljö+arvsanlag.
21. En DNA-molekyl kan liknas vid en spiraltrappa där trappstegen utgörs av DNA-baser. De fyra olika DNA-baserna (A, T, C och G) bildar par och paren kan endast bestå av antingen A och T eller av C och G.
22. Den genetiska koden är kombinationen av de tre olika basparen samt dess tillhörande aminosyror.
24. En mutation är en skada eller förändring som sker hos alla organismer.
25. Det finns tre olika sorters mutationer; genmutation, kromosommutation och kromosomantalsmutation.
26. HUGO-projektet går ut på att kartlägga människans DNA.
27. - Ultraljud. Används på så gott som alla gravida kvinnor. Med hjälp av ultraljud kan man se ifall det finns mer än ett foster. Man kan också kolla efter eventuella missbildningar samt kontrollera så att fostret växer i normal hastighet.
- Fostervattensprover. Erbjuds de kvinnor som är över 35 år eller som tidigare har fött barn med genetiska sjukdomar. Med denna teknik kan man få reda på mer om fostret som då till exempel om det har någon sjukdom. Man kan räkna kromosomerna och därmed upptäcka sjukdomar som Downs syndrom eller mongolism.
28. En form av växtförädling är korsningsförädling. Ett exempel på detta är åkerbärshallonet, där man korsat hallon och åkerbär för att få fram ett bär som smakar som åkerbär men som ger en avkastning som hallon.
En annan form är mutationsförädling. Även detta är för att höja avkastningen, man får växterna att bli större och mogna fortare.
29. Att förädla djur är betydligt svårare än växtförädling då endel korsningar helt enkelt är omöjliga, och det är heller inte möjligt att få ett djur att växa fortare och bli större genom att dubbla kromosomuppsättningen.
Bioteknik
30. Det var upptäckten om att man kan 'klippa ut' en viss gen ur en DNA-sprial och sedan 'klistra in' den hos en bakterie och på så vis tillverka dessa ämnen som just den genen egentligen ska tillverka. Denna upptäckten resulterade i att man numera kan framställa insulin som sedan ges till diabetiker, eftersom att genen som tillverkar insulin inte fungerar hos diabetikern.
31. Kloning innebär att man genom att transplantera celler från en äggcell kan framställa en exakt kopia av en individ.
32. Framställa insulin med hjälp av baterier går till så att man 'klipper ut' den gen som tillverkar insulin från ett djur (grisars insulin är det som liknar människans mest) och sedan planterar in det i en bakteri som sedan tillverkar insulin. Idag kan man överföra anlag för insulinproduktion från människor till bakterier. Det färdiga insulinet ges sen till diabetiker.
33. Ett transgent djur är ett djur som bär arvsanlag från olika arter.
34. Med hjälp av genmodifiering kan man göra om en växts ämnesomsättning och därmed också förändra och förbättra växtens näringsvärde.
Livets uppkomst och utveckling
1. Typiskt för en levande organism är att den kan föröka sig
Hur uppkom livet?
3. Vattenånga, kväve, metan, koldioxid och ammoniak.
4. Man tror att det var cyanobakterierna som var startpunkten för livets utveckling.
5. Några viktiga händelser i livets tidigia utveckling är när arvsmassan hos en cell samlas i kärnan istället för att finnas i hela cellen - detta hände för cirka 1.5 miljarder år sedan. Några andra händelser var när de första flercelliga organismerna uppstod, sedan när ryggradsdjuren uppkom och sedan när livet erövrade land, tidigare hade liv bara existerat i vattnet.
6. Man har funnit fossiler som man har lyckats datera till ungefär 600 miljoner år sedan och med hjälp av dessa kan vi föreställa oss hur de dåvarande liven såg ut.
7. Fiskarna var de första djuren som hade en ryggrad.
8. För att en växt ska klara av att leva på land behöver den följande: sol, vatten, värme, koldioxid och syre.
9. De första djur som anpassade sig till ett liv på land var insekterna, sedan kom groddjuren - som utvecklats ur fiskarna.
10. För cirka 270 miljoner år sedan höjdes tempertaturen vilken ledde till att havsytan sjönk och sjöar torkade ut. Klimatet blev då fuktigt och detta bidrog till växande skogar.
11. Enda anledning till att kräldjur är bättre anpassade till ett liv på land än groddjuren är det faktum att groddjuren behöver fukt - det gör inte kräldjur.
12. Den främsta teorin om hur dinosaurierna dog ut är teorin om att en gigantiskt meteorit slog ner på jorden och orsakade jättestora bränder. Detta ledde till att alla dinosaurier dog.
13. Djuren och de gömfröiga växterna har utevcklats mest.
14. Vårat släktträd skildes från apornas för cirka 7 mioljoner år sedan. Utvecklingen gick från släktet Homo och sedan utvecklades den till vår art - Homo Sapiens.
15. Sydapan hade en likadan kroppsbyggnad som människan men hade inte ett lika utvecklat intellekt. Nutidsmänniskan var den händiga människan.
16. Homo Erectus var den första människan som kunde stå upprätt.
Evolutionen
17. Lamarck trodde att egenskaper som organismer förvärvar under sin livstid kunde föras vidare till nästa generation. Denna teori är felaktig då man ärver anlag - inte egenskaper.
18. - Alla arter uppvisar ärftlig variation.
- Att utveckligen pågått under en lång tid.
- Att djur och växter producerar mycket mer avkomma än den som kommer att fortplanta sig.
19. Fossilfynd, jämförande av anatomi, embryologi och rudimentära anlag.
20. Skelettet hos en människa är uppbyggt på samma vis som hos en fladdermus, då de båda består av överarm, armbåge, underarm, handled och fingrar.
torsdag 15 oktober 2009
Get a grip
I afton (vad heter förresten afton i plural?) känner jag mig otroligt egocentrisk och bitchig. Det finns vissa andra som borde känna de känslorna också.
Jag är så jävla trött på vissa saker och jag skulle VERKLIGEN vilja ändra på dem, men jag vet att vissa inte skulle uppskatta att jag öppnar min käft om sådana saker så jag antar att det är lika bra att fortsätta med min Suffer in silence strategi. Varför ska jag vara rädd för att säga vad jag tycker? ALLA ANDRA GÖR JU DET HELA TIDEN!? Utan att oroa sig för att såra andra. Jag vill också vara känslokall och hänsynslös.
Jag vill säga vad jag tycker. Rakt i ansiktet på dig. Men då hade hela helvettet brakat löst och det vet alla. Och det tycker jag verkar onödigt.
Och säg inte något i stil med 'men du kan ju försöka prata med vem det nu än är som får dig att känna så?' för TRO mig, det hjälper inte. Denna personen är ingen person som jag pratar med på det sättet. Jag bara stör mig på vissa människors beteende.
Nu är jag sur.
Heippa
Jag är så jävla trött på vissa saker och jag skulle VERKLIGEN vilja ändra på dem, men jag vet att vissa inte skulle uppskatta att jag öppnar min käft om sådana saker så jag antar att det är lika bra att fortsätta med min Suffer in silence strategi. Varför ska jag vara rädd för att säga vad jag tycker? ALLA ANDRA GÖR JU DET HELA TIDEN!? Utan att oroa sig för att såra andra. Jag vill också vara känslokall och hänsynslös.
Jag vill säga vad jag tycker. Rakt i ansiktet på dig. Men då hade hela helvettet brakat löst och det vet alla. Och det tycker jag verkar onödigt.
Och säg inte något i stil med 'men du kan ju försöka prata med vem det nu än är som får dig att känna så?' för TRO mig, det hjälper inte. Denna personen är ingen person som jag pratar med på det sättet. Jag bara stör mig på vissa människors beteende.
Nu är jag sur.
Heippa
tisdag 13 oktober 2009
Mental breakdown
Jag klarar seriöst inte av det här längre. Jag känner mig stressad hela dagen varje dag och inte fan hjälper det att ta det lugnt och försöka koppla av - det blir fan bara ännu värre då! Jag får panik av att tänka på vad det är som händer med mig, för jag kommer inte på vad det är. Allt är upp och ner och ingenting är som det ska.
Jag går upp på morgonen, dricker tre deciliter kaffe, röker en cigarett, går till skolan. Spenderar dagen med att röka och sakna att dricka kaffe. Sen efter skolan röker jag en cigarett till och så går jag antingen till Viskan och dricker två koppar kaffe eller så går jag hem och dricker ännu en tre decilitersglas med kaffe. Sen sätter jag mig framför teven och sitter där tills pappa kommer hem, sen äter vi middag och jag försöker äta så lite som det bara är möjligt för att slippa övertala mig själv att inte gå och spy efteråt. Sen dricker vi kaffe, sen går jag ut en stund, röker en bunt cigaretter, sen tillbaka till soffan. Sitter där hela kvällen, eventuellt en kopp kaffe och en cigarett till, sen sätter jag mig vid datorn. Där sitter jag tills jag ska gå och lägga mig, vilket kan vara allt ifrån tio på kvällen till två på natten.
Japp, där har ni mitt liv. Det är precis så på gränsen till ofattbart tråkigt som det låter.
VAD FAN GÖR JAG MED MITT LIV EGENTLIGEN?!
Jag blir så jävla deprimerad av att tänka på sånt här.
Jag orkar inte ta tag i mig själv längre.
Allt går neråt, snabbt och okontrollerbart.
Attacken igår var fan hemsk. Jag har inte gjort sånthär på skitlänge, och jag trodde verkligen det var över med det.
Fitta.
Jag ska ut och röka.
Heippa
(Btw, om någon tror att de skulle stå ut med mig så söker jag någon vars liv jag kan förpesta ikväll. Orkar inte förpesta mitt eget längre. JA, jag är emo)
Jag går upp på morgonen, dricker tre deciliter kaffe, röker en cigarett, går till skolan. Spenderar dagen med att röka och sakna att dricka kaffe. Sen efter skolan röker jag en cigarett till och så går jag antingen till Viskan och dricker två koppar kaffe eller så går jag hem och dricker ännu en tre decilitersglas med kaffe. Sen sätter jag mig framför teven och sitter där tills pappa kommer hem, sen äter vi middag och jag försöker äta så lite som det bara är möjligt för att slippa övertala mig själv att inte gå och spy efteråt. Sen dricker vi kaffe, sen går jag ut en stund, röker en bunt cigaretter, sen tillbaka till soffan. Sitter där hela kvällen, eventuellt en kopp kaffe och en cigarett till, sen sätter jag mig vid datorn. Där sitter jag tills jag ska gå och lägga mig, vilket kan vara allt ifrån tio på kvällen till två på natten.
Japp, där har ni mitt liv. Det är precis så på gränsen till ofattbart tråkigt som det låter.
VAD FAN GÖR JAG MED MITT LIV EGENTLIGEN?!
Jag blir så jävla deprimerad av att tänka på sånt här.
Jag orkar inte ta tag i mig själv längre.
Allt går neråt, snabbt och okontrollerbart.
Attacken igår var fan hemsk. Jag har inte gjort sånthär på skitlänge, och jag trodde verkligen det var över med det.
Fitta.
Jag ska ut och röka.
Heippa
(Btw, om någon tror att de skulle stå ut med mig så söker jag någon vars liv jag kan förpesta ikväll. Orkar inte förpesta mitt eget längre. JA, jag är emo)
måndag 12 oktober 2009
Talk to the mirror, choke back tears
What the fuck is going on with this fucked up world?
Sometimes it feels like this is just some big fat competition. It's all about who is feeling worst today? Who has had the most traumatic childhood? Who has the largest number of various diagnoses?
It's sick. Just plain sick.
I try to not be about all the attention, I honestly don't give a shit about your attention. I am not writing this to make you make me believe that you care about me and my problems - I know you don't. And I don't care that much about you either actually, I could hardly care less about your latest trip to your psychiatrist.
I don't understand how people have the energy to tell everyone about their every issue, it's got to take up almost all of your spare time? Don't you people have anything better to waste your time on? You fight with people, you cut your wrists, you go to the shrink and you write about it on various websites.
Okey, I write about my problems to, and I'm not saying that everyone who writes about their problems are attentionwhores, but you have to admit that there are a very large number of those out there.
I'm not proud of my mental health issues, most certainly not, but it's not something that I can try to hide from everyone all the time. You have to tell someone about your problems, it's nearly impossible to handle them otherwise. But talk to someone for real then? For the love of God.
I feel that I'm really not the person to be writing this and especially not in this blog - this blog is mostly filled with all of my anxietyattacks and heartaches and so on and so on, but someone should tell the world to get a grip.
Sorry
Sometimes it feels like this is just some big fat competition. It's all about who is feeling worst today? Who has had the most traumatic childhood? Who has the largest number of various diagnoses?
It's sick. Just plain sick.
I try to not be about all the attention, I honestly don't give a shit about your attention. I am not writing this to make you make me believe that you care about me and my problems - I know you don't. And I don't care that much about you either actually, I could hardly care less about your latest trip to your psychiatrist.
I don't understand how people have the energy to tell everyone about their every issue, it's got to take up almost all of your spare time? Don't you people have anything better to waste your time on? You fight with people, you cut your wrists, you go to the shrink and you write about it on various websites.
Okey, I write about my problems to, and I'm not saying that everyone who writes about their problems are attentionwhores, but you have to admit that there are a very large number of those out there.
I'm not proud of my mental health issues, most certainly not, but it's not something that I can try to hide from everyone all the time. You have to tell someone about your problems, it's nearly impossible to handle them otherwise. But talk to someone for real then? For the love of God.
I feel that I'm really not the person to be writing this and especially not in this blog - this blog is mostly filled with all of my anxietyattacks and heartaches and so on and so on, but someone should tell the world to get a grip.
Sorry
This is out of line
I'm sorry, I really am but I can't not write everything any longer. I'm about to explode and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.
I haven't felt this bad in months but I guess I knew all along that these feelings would come back sooner or later. The panic. The frustration. The anxiety. The fear. The anger. The knowledge about how I am not enough.
I don't count. I'm no one special and I know that, but why can't I have a normal life? Why does my life has to be characterized by my mood swings?
I gotta get out of here or I'll lose my mind sooner than I ever thought possible.
I haven't felt this bad in months but I guess I knew all along that these feelings would come back sooner or later. The panic. The frustration. The anxiety. The fear. The anger. The knowledge about how I am not enough.
I don't count. I'm no one special and I know that, but why can't I have a normal life? Why does my life has to be characterized by my mood swings?
I gotta get out of here or I'll lose my mind sooner than I ever thought possible.
lördag 10 oktober 2009
In my hometown yeah
So, here I am, sitting in dear old Sexdrega just as every other weekend. I still don't like being here, too many stupid memories but this week it at least feels better than last. I guess that's only because it's only me and Sara home today, but what ever.
I'v been feeling really good lately, like really really really good. It's not the sort of feeling that I'm used to, but I think I like it. It's all pretty weird cause this is the time of year when I usually don't feel well at all, and considering what has happened the last month I shouldn't be feeling too well but I do. And I'm just gonna roll with it.
What's happening today, you ask? I think I'm going to Svenljunga to hang out with Gabbeh. I've really missed hanging out with her, haven't done that a lot lately.
Now I got a tiny little blackout and I have no idea what to write so bye.
I'v been feeling really good lately, like really really really good. It's not the sort of feeling that I'm used to, but I think I like it. It's all pretty weird cause this is the time of year when I usually don't feel well at all, and considering what has happened the last month I shouldn't be feeling too well but I do. And I'm just gonna roll with it.
What's happening today, you ask? I think I'm going to Svenljunga to hang out with Gabbeh. I've really missed hanging out with her, haven't done that a lot lately.
Now I got a tiny little blackout and I have no idea what to write so bye.
torsdag 8 oktober 2009
No one wants your opinion
Yeah well this is my 100th blogpost (so far) and I was thinking of celebrating that with a late cup of coffee but my father har gone to bed and I am sort of afraid to wake him up after half past eleven by making coffee. I don't think he'd like that too much actually. But I guess I can celebrate by brushing my teeth later instead. What ever.
Went and watched No Tears For Queers with my class today. It's a play where we get to know about three different murdercases where all three of the victims were gay. Very good, and I really recommend everyone to see it. It's totally worth it.
I seriously can't believe how anyone could treat a person that brutally just becasue he is homosexual - it's sick. You know, you're swedish teacher shouldn't have to force you to go see a theater just so that you'll understand that discrimination of homosexuals is wrong.
It scares me that the world that we live in is that cruel. No one should have to be afraid of telling people about their sexuality, people like Johan Hiltion shouldn't have to write books to make the world understand. I just get so freaking pissed of when I think about these things. But in one way, I'm probably not the one to be saying all these things, I mean I don't like black people. Not that I spend my friday nights going out and beat them down just because they're black but I still don't like them - because of the color of their skin, but doesn't that make me almost as bad as the guys who killed these three homosexual men?
Thoughts keep spinning in my head when I think of these things.
Other than that, I've actually been feeling really happy the last few days. I don't know if it is real happiness or if I'm only fooling myself, but I guess I shouldn't be complaining, right?
Just be happy as long as it lasts.
Haha what ever motherfucker, I don't give shit right now.
Went and watched No Tears For Queers with my class today. It's a play where we get to know about three different murdercases where all three of the victims were gay. Very good, and I really recommend everyone to see it. It's totally worth it.
I seriously can't believe how anyone could treat a person that brutally just becasue he is homosexual - it's sick. You know, you're swedish teacher shouldn't have to force you to go see a theater just so that you'll understand that discrimination of homosexuals is wrong.
It scares me that the world that we live in is that cruel. No one should have to be afraid of telling people about their sexuality, people like Johan Hiltion shouldn't have to write books to make the world understand. I just get so freaking pissed of when I think about these things. But in one way, I'm probably not the one to be saying all these things, I mean I don't like black people. Not that I spend my friday nights going out and beat them down just because they're black but I still don't like them - because of the color of their skin, but doesn't that make me almost as bad as the guys who killed these three homosexual men?
Thoughts keep spinning in my head when I think of these things.
Other than that, I've actually been feeling really happy the last few days. I don't know if it is real happiness or if I'm only fooling myself, but I guess I shouldn't be complaining, right?
Just be happy as long as it lasts.
Haha what ever motherfucker, I don't give shit right now.
söndag 4 oktober 2009
Slipping away
It feels like I'm losing everything right now. Nothing is what it used to be and I don't know what I can do to stop this from happening. Everyone and everything is slipping away slowly and I'm trying my very best to keep holding on but it doesn't seem to be enough..
I don't know, perhaps it's just my imagination, but the world doesn't hold on either so what is there left for me to do? I'd rather die than let go but it seems sort of hopeless to be holding on to something that obviously doesn't hold on to me anymore.
This weekend has been chaos. I was in Sexdrega the entire weekend, since I don't have a buscard anylonger I couldn't go anywhere. I can't spend that much time with my family, I simply can't. It drives me insane and I freak out because of every tiny thing that goes wrong. And something always goes wrong in that house. It's like curse, I can't be there, not around them.
Trying to get something done while I'm there is just out the window. It's just watse of time to evern try. And this weekend my brother changed the floor in the kitchen, and a couple of other things that my mother needed done so it was a little bit more chaotic than usual. (If that's even possible.) The entire house was upside down and since my mom had to help my brother and neither Sara or Tilda was home it was up to me to do all the everyday stuff like taking the dogs out for a walk, making dinner and just keeping everything under control and I can't do that. The only good thing about that is that I can smoke whenever I'm out with the dogs.
Beeing there kills me. I can't concentrate at all. Everything just turns into a big blur.
I won't ever move back there, that's for sure.
There's really nothing else to tell other than that my life has turned itself around completely and it won't let me turn it back.
I should sleep.
Good Luck Chuck ._.
I don't know, perhaps it's just my imagination, but the world doesn't hold on either so what is there left for me to do? I'd rather die than let go but it seems sort of hopeless to be holding on to something that obviously doesn't hold on to me anymore.
This weekend has been chaos. I was in Sexdrega the entire weekend, since I don't have a buscard anylonger I couldn't go anywhere. I can't spend that much time with my family, I simply can't. It drives me insane and I freak out because of every tiny thing that goes wrong. And something always goes wrong in that house. It's like curse, I can't be there, not around them.
Trying to get something done while I'm there is just out the window. It's just watse of time to evern try. And this weekend my brother changed the floor in the kitchen, and a couple of other things that my mother needed done so it was a little bit more chaotic than usual. (If that's even possible.) The entire house was upside down and since my mom had to help my brother and neither Sara or Tilda was home it was up to me to do all the everyday stuff like taking the dogs out for a walk, making dinner and just keeping everything under control and I can't do that. The only good thing about that is that I can smoke whenever I'm out with the dogs.
Beeing there kills me. I can't concentrate at all. Everything just turns into a big blur.
I won't ever move back there, that's for sure.
There's really nothing else to tell other than that my life has turned itself around completely and it won't let me turn it back.
I should sleep.
Good Luck Chuck ._.
lördag 3 oktober 2009
These heavy hearts
So Louis just got home from a party in Svaneholm, didn't stay long since everyone was dead tired. It was nice eventhough I did'n like everyone there.
(There was this really bitchy girl who really seemed to think that she was better and better looking than everyone else - she wasn't, so I don't like her)
Either way, today started off really bad. I had two tests today and I screwed them both up badly. (Maths and German) So I was seriously thinking about not going to that party tonight but I figured it was in celebration for My, so I went anyway. And right now I'm really glad I did, I had a good time.
And you would never believe who I saw earlier today! Oh My Gosh, he still still looks the same. Not only that but he actually waved and smiled at me. Now that's a weird feeling that I don't know where to put. But for once, seeing him didn't make me sad, I was really happy. (It sort of made my day, thanks)
Seriously, Gabbeh told me had changed, that he looked 'normal' now, but he sure looks the same to me alright. Still just as beautiful as he was that day three years ago.
But he has the ugliest car I've ever seen. And he had this little kid with him. Kind of cute, but hey - I didn't see that coming.
Haha, what ever; seeing him smile made me happy. The End.
Now I'm really tired and still sort of unsober, so I guess I should be off to bed now. I gotta to home to my mother early tomorrow and I don't have a buscard anylonger so I don't quite know how to fix that..
How ever, good night everyone
(There was this really bitchy girl who really seemed to think that she was better and better looking than everyone else - she wasn't, so I don't like her)
Either way, today started off really bad. I had two tests today and I screwed them both up badly. (Maths and German) So I was seriously thinking about not going to that party tonight but I figured it was in celebration for My, so I went anyway. And right now I'm really glad I did, I had a good time.
And you would never believe who I saw earlier today! Oh My Gosh, he still still looks the same. Not only that but he actually waved and smiled at me. Now that's a weird feeling that I don't know where to put. But for once, seeing him didn't make me sad, I was really happy. (It sort of made my day, thanks)
Seriously, Gabbeh told me had changed, that he looked 'normal' now, but he sure looks the same to me alright. Still just as beautiful as he was that day three years ago.
But he has the ugliest car I've ever seen. And he had this little kid with him. Kind of cute, but hey - I didn't see that coming.
Haha, what ever; seeing him smile made me happy. The End.
Now I'm really tired and still sort of unsober, so I guess I should be off to bed now. I gotta to home to my mother early tomorrow and I don't have a buscard anylonger so I don't quite know how to fix that..
How ever, good night everyone
tisdag 29 september 2009
Baby, seasons change but people don't
Well, that's just a load of crap obviously. People tend to change - a lot, more that four times every year even. You didn't know that, did you? Well, now you do.
So, dear friends, what else is there to say to you today?
Nothing much? I thought so.
Seriously - my life is the most boring life I've ever known.
And the memories of what happened still haunts me. I'm afraid of falling asleep, it feels as if someone is holding me back. It feels like he is holding me back.
It feels just like it did then, only that in my nightmares he doesn't let me go, he keeps me there. I can't get hom to let me go. I try everything but nothing is working, then I turn around and I see his face and then I wake up.
I reallt hope I'll get more sleep tonight, I need to sleep.
BUT! I'm getting that tattoo tomorrow!!
Louis is sort of hapy about that oh yes she is.
I think I'll just end there.
Night, I hope you'll get more sleep than me.
So, dear friends, what else is there to say to you today?
Nothing much? I thought so.
Seriously - my life is the most boring life I've ever known.
And the memories of what happened still haunts me. I'm afraid of falling asleep, it feels as if someone is holding me back. It feels like he is holding me back.
It feels just like it did then, only that in my nightmares he doesn't let me go, he keeps me there. I can't get hom to let me go. I try everything but nothing is working, then I turn around and I see his face and then I wake up.
I reallt hope I'll get more sleep tonight, I need to sleep.
BUT! I'm getting that tattoo tomorrow!!
Louis is sort of hapy about that oh yes she is.
I think I'll just end there.
Night, I hope you'll get more sleep than me.
måndag 28 september 2009
Can you feel the pressure ?
Stayed home from school today, so I've pretty much just been sitting beneath blanket all day, waiting for the phone call of doom. They still haven't called me back, so they'll probably call tomorrow. I hope they do, I just want to get this overwith..
Been listening to some good old music lately; From First To Last, Bring Me The Horizon, Funeral For A Friend, Escape The Fate, you know all that crap. Feels really nice to be listening to that again. Sure, it brings tons of memories, some which I'd rather never think about again but some really nice once. The old days, 7th - 9th grade. Sitting on the sidewalk smoking our lives away, coloring my hair in all different kind of colors and cutting it with razors, my first Marilyn Manson consert.. Oh my Lord, I really miss those days.
But I guess that I should be glad that that part of my life is over, in one way.. I didn't feel good then, I was stuck in all my self destructive habits, I fighted with my mom as good as every day, I hated my father.. At least some of it is gone now.
How ever, I think I'll be going to school tomorrow don't quite know yet. By some strange reason I feel like waking up really early tomorrow, taking a morning fika before school, but I'll probably sleep way too long and then I'll have to hurry up just to get to school on time. That's how it always works.
I think I'll be going to bed soon. I feel like taking a walk but since I'm out of cigarettes that seems pointless so why not sleep a couple of hours longer? .__.
Night
Been listening to some good old music lately; From First To Last, Bring Me The Horizon, Funeral For A Friend, Escape The Fate, you know all that crap. Feels really nice to be listening to that again. Sure, it brings tons of memories, some which I'd rather never think about again but some really nice once. The old days, 7th - 9th grade. Sitting on the sidewalk smoking our lives away, coloring my hair in all different kind of colors and cutting it with razors, my first Marilyn Manson consert.. Oh my Lord, I really miss those days.
But I guess that I should be glad that that part of my life is over, in one way.. I didn't feel good then, I was stuck in all my self destructive habits, I fighted with my mom as good as every day, I hated my father.. At least some of it is gone now.
How ever, I think I'll be going to school tomorrow don't quite know yet. By some strange reason I feel like waking up really early tomorrow, taking a morning fika before school, but I'll probably sleep way too long and then I'll have to hurry up just to get to school on time. That's how it always works.
I think I'll be going to bed soon. I feel like taking a walk but since I'm out of cigarettes that seems pointless so why not sleep a couple of hours longer? .__.
Night
lördag 26 september 2009
Salt My Eyes
Yeah, pretty much.
Louis just woke up from another one of those best&worst nights of her experiences. Yesterday at Sibbe's place was great, really - to sum it all up. As always there were a couple of things that would have been better of avoided, but hey - what's the fun in that?
So Louise and Gabbeh had something going on over the phone last night, so I stepped in and tried to fix that. Then things went back to being good (or better), but not far too long before we were supposed to go home (Joakim (?) was kind enough to drive us home - thanks) I just lost it. Seriously, that's when the `worst night of my life´ experience started.
Everytime I just sawe your face I wanted to cry out on the top of my lungs.
So why didn't you?
I don't know.. I guess that deep down I know that he doesn't love me anymore. He has no feelings for me. And it doesn't matter how much I want to - I can't decide what he's supposed to feel. That's what freaks me out - the knowledge that I am not able to change it.
So Louis sat and cried in the car first all the way to Hässleholmen and then downtown, and Louise didn't want me to go home right that second when I wasn't feeling too well, so we sat down behind Gran Hotel for a while. And THAT is where I really lost it. I haven't cried that much ever I think, and my head was exploding and Louise was wonderful and just sat there and told me all these amazing things about me to make me feel better.
Thanks Louise, things would probably have gone much much worse if you weren't there.
So, there we sat for I don't know how long - until we decided to have pizza. But we had left Louise's money at home so first we had to go home to get the money - that's when I found out that Robin Next Door was having a party too but whatever. Anyhow, we got some money and then we went and bought something to eat. It was nice, and when we got home again, everything was cleaned up outfront. No one was there and all I could find that was a sign of that someone have had a party there was one empty beer can.
So we just went to bed and slept for about 5 hours and now there is one hour left until I have to drag Louise with me to the bus.
I know this post makes no sense but I just had to wite it all down.
Sorry
Louis just woke up from another one of those best&worst nights of her experiences. Yesterday at Sibbe's place was great, really - to sum it all up. As always there were a couple of things that would have been better of avoided, but hey - what's the fun in that?
So Louise and Gabbeh had something going on over the phone last night, so I stepped in and tried to fix that. Then things went back to being good (or better), but not far too long before we were supposed to go home (Joakim (?) was kind enough to drive us home - thanks) I just lost it. Seriously, that's when the `worst night of my life´ experience started.
Everytime I just sawe your face I wanted to cry out on the top of my lungs.
So why didn't you?
I don't know.. I guess that deep down I know that he doesn't love me anymore. He has no feelings for me. And it doesn't matter how much I want to - I can't decide what he's supposed to feel. That's what freaks me out - the knowledge that I am not able to change it.
So Louis sat and cried in the car first all the way to Hässleholmen and then downtown, and Louise didn't want me to go home right that second when I wasn't feeling too well, so we sat down behind Gran Hotel for a while. And THAT is where I really lost it. I haven't cried that much ever I think, and my head was exploding and Louise was wonderful and just sat there and told me all these amazing things about me to make me feel better.
Thanks Louise, things would probably have gone much much worse if you weren't there.
So, there we sat for I don't know how long - until we decided to have pizza. But we had left Louise's money at home so first we had to go home to get the money - that's when I found out that Robin Next Door was having a party too but whatever. Anyhow, we got some money and then we went and bought something to eat. It was nice, and when we got home again, everything was cleaned up outfront. No one was there and all I could find that was a sign of that someone have had a party there was one empty beer can.
So we just went to bed and slept for about 5 hours and now there is one hour left until I have to drag Louise with me to the bus.
I know this post makes no sense but I just had to wite it all down.
Sorry
fredag 25 september 2009
Eat Shit
Seriously, I have got to stop hoping now.
Things will never be the same, and now that I have realized that I don't know what to do. I want to cry my freaking eyes out, I want to break things, I want to yell at you, I want to - but I can't. Somehow I feel paralysed by all this and I think I'll just isolate myself from the world for some time now. Since I don't seem to have a say in anything anyways so.
Don't go looking for me. If I'm hiding there must be a freaking good reason.
Things will never be the same, and now that I have realized that I don't know what to do. I want to cry my freaking eyes out, I want to break things, I want to yell at you, I want to - but I can't. Somehow I feel paralysed by all this and I think I'll just isolate myself from the world for some time now. Since I don't seem to have a say in anything anyways so.
Don't go looking for me. If I'm hiding there must be a freaking good reason.
torsdag 24 september 2009
I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
I'm not the kind of person who talk about my issues, I suffer in silence until it has gone away and then I simply just wait for it to come back again (it always does), and then I do everything all over again - suffer in silence. I don't want to bother you with my problems when I know that you have enough of those yourself. It's all about prioritizing and yes - your name stands higher than mine on my list, and I find it more important to make sure that you feel okey than to look after myself. I'll make it through, I always do so why put all that energy on me? I see no reason what so ever to.
My eating anxiety is back though, with twice the strength it hit me with last time around. So once and again I'm losing hair, I'm really freaking tired all the time and my nails look like shit. And with not eating comes drinking tons and tons of coffee and smoking far too many cigarettes each day, and therefor I can't sleep. Which makes me even more fucking tired.
The worst thing though, is the fact that this Monday when we talked about proper eating in PE class, when our teacher mentioned the wntire losing hair thing and bad nails, it felt like everyone in the room were staring at me. And today My asked me if I was aware of the fact that I each too little.
Okey, I don't eat properly but don't you think I know that already?! I am well aware of the fact that I am tearing my body down by eating harldy nothing and guess what? That's the freaking point of it all.
I don't need you telling me to eat - I won't do it! No. Never. I'm going to reach my goal this time, I really am. So you can say whatever you want to I won't stop it this time.
And don't think for a second that I am doing this for someone else - I'm doing this for me. No one but myself, I want to be happy about the way I look and in my case that means losing at least another five or six kilos. Yep, that's how it's gonna work out this time. I don't give shit about what you think of it - I'm gonna do this. End of discussion.
So, what elseis there to tell you? Not much I think.
Had a fika with Klumpen yesterday, hung out with her, My and Sibbe. Then I went to Sexdrega for about two hours - totally worthless. Then I took the bus back to Borås and then the bus up to Sid, I slept there tonight.
It felt a bit awkward. I mean, it's a bit hard to be around him right now, since this all happened so fast. I get to be close to him, but not as close as I wish I could be, so that's a bit weird.
But you know, I'd rather be not quite as close as I wish to be than far far away from you. Right now, that's better than nothing.
Now I really should pull myslef together and go down to the laundry room and check if it's done. So, I guess I'll get back to you later.
Bye
My eating anxiety is back though, with twice the strength it hit me with last time around. So once and again I'm losing hair, I'm really freaking tired all the time and my nails look like shit. And with not eating comes drinking tons and tons of coffee and smoking far too many cigarettes each day, and therefor I can't sleep. Which makes me even more fucking tired.
The worst thing though, is the fact that this Monday when we talked about proper eating in PE class, when our teacher mentioned the wntire losing hair thing and bad nails, it felt like everyone in the room were staring at me. And today My asked me if I was aware of the fact that I each too little.
Okey, I don't eat properly but don't you think I know that already?! I am well aware of the fact that I am tearing my body down by eating harldy nothing and guess what? That's the freaking point of it all.
I don't need you telling me to eat - I won't do it! No. Never. I'm going to reach my goal this time, I really am. So you can say whatever you want to I won't stop it this time.
And don't think for a second that I am doing this for someone else - I'm doing this for me. No one but myself, I want to be happy about the way I look and in my case that means losing at least another five or six kilos. Yep, that's how it's gonna work out this time. I don't give shit about what you think of it - I'm gonna do this. End of discussion.
So, what elseis there to tell you? Not much I think.
Had a fika with Klumpen yesterday, hung out with her, My and Sibbe. Then I went to Sexdrega for about two hours - totally worthless. Then I took the bus back to Borås and then the bus up to Sid, I slept there tonight.
It felt a bit awkward. I mean, it's a bit hard to be around him right now, since this all happened so fast. I get to be close to him, but not as close as I wish I could be, so that's a bit weird.
But you know, I'd rather be not quite as close as I wish to be than far far away from you. Right now, that's better than nothing.
Now I really should pull myslef together and go down to the laundry room and check if it's done. So, I guess I'll get back to you later.
Bye
måndag 21 september 2009
Rock n' Roll High School
Sitting in school right now - don't know what I'm doing really. I'm supposed to be reading and writing about a few known writers from the antiquity, but I find that very unnecessary.. What does that give me? Nothing, and nothing at all.
Looking on the bright side is harder than I could ever imagine, but I'm trying and at least that's something, right?
Last noght was hell on earth in one way. I totally freaked out, but I listened to Gabbeh's advice and tried to talk to him. Worked out pretty good, but I still feel that damn hole inside of me and trying to fill it with positive thoughts and homework and other possible things to focus on seems pointless. I know what I need, but it feels like there's npo way in hell that I'll ever get it back.
Feeling sort of hopeless today, are we? Ohyes..
But I'm gonna meet with him later (I think) and have a cup of coffee or something. Just meeting him again, to see if I can handle it a little better this time. last time was horrible. Standing in his hallway, crying my freaking guts out didn't make things better. And having to be around people for the rest of day, pretending to be happy as if nothing had happened was even worse.
What ever.
Positive thinking Louis, positive thinking.
How ever, being back to school without being able to skip which ever class you want and blame it all on having an exchange student sucks. And I'll have to go to school when we have our day off, just to do that freaking Italian test.
Fuck.
Now I'm gonna try to get something done with my project.
Wish me luck.
Looking on the bright side is harder than I could ever imagine, but I'm trying and at least that's something, right?
Last noght was hell on earth in one way. I totally freaked out, but I listened to Gabbeh's advice and tried to talk to him. Worked out pretty good, but I still feel that damn hole inside of me and trying to fill it with positive thoughts and homework and other possible things to focus on seems pointless. I know what I need, but it feels like there's npo way in hell that I'll ever get it back.
Feeling sort of hopeless today, are we? Ohyes..
But I'm gonna meet with him later (I think) and have a cup of coffee or something. Just meeting him again, to see if I can handle it a little better this time. last time was horrible. Standing in his hallway, crying my freaking guts out didn't make things better. And having to be around people for the rest of day, pretending to be happy as if nothing had happened was even worse.
What ever.
Positive thinking Louis, positive thinking.
How ever, being back to school without being able to skip which ever class you want and blame it all on having an exchange student sucks. And I'll have to go to school when we have our day off, just to do that freaking Italian test.
Fuck.
Now I'm gonna try to get something done with my project.
Wish me luck.
lördag 19 september 2009
It's because I gotta say some things
So, now I'm back from Gothenburg, Liseberg and Håkan freaking Hellström. Totally awesome - as every time I see him.
I seriously didn't think this day would turn out this good, considering what has happend this week and so on and so on, but it really turned out great.
Not only because of the annual Håkan-concert I think though.. I've started to realize (finally) that things does not get better just because I sit in my room and cry all day. So, why not try to see the good things instead? I mean okey, some crappy things have happend and yes, I still love him - that doesn't change over one or two nights but it's not like I can't talk to him when I feel like it? And I am sure that I can find a billion things that I can focus on.
Back to the concert then ..
IT WAS AWESOME! Of course an awesome concert comes with a number of bruises and quite an amount of pain but I would be one big, fat liar if I told you that it wasn't worth it. And not to forget - an awesome concert also comes with tears. Happy tears of course.
When he played Hurricane Gilbert, Kärlek är ett brev skickat tusen gånger and Atombomb I almost broke down. I was crying almost hystericly from time to time ans people were staring at me, but believe me - if you hear Hurricane Gilbert live then you can't not cry. Seriously.
Now I am really really tired, and my entire body hurts and I have to get up in less than six hours so I think I'll just go to bed now.
Good night :*
I seriously didn't think this day would turn out this good, considering what has happend this week and so on and so on, but it really turned out great.
Not only because of the annual Håkan-concert I think though.. I've started to realize (finally) that things does not get better just because I sit in my room and cry all day. So, why not try to see the good things instead? I mean okey, some crappy things have happend and yes, I still love him - that doesn't change over one or two nights but it's not like I can't talk to him when I feel like it? And I am sure that I can find a billion things that I can focus on.
Back to the concert then ..
IT WAS AWESOME! Of course an awesome concert comes with a number of bruises and quite an amount of pain but I would be one big, fat liar if I told you that it wasn't worth it. And not to forget - an awesome concert also comes with tears. Happy tears of course.
When he played Hurricane Gilbert, Kärlek är ett brev skickat tusen gånger and Atombomb I almost broke down. I was crying almost hystericly from time to time ans people were staring at me, but believe me - if you hear Hurricane Gilbert live then you can't not cry. Seriously.
Now I am really really tired, and my entire body hurts and I have to get up in less than six hours so I think I'll just go to bed now.
Good night :*
tisdag 15 september 2009
plus minus ett?
det är så många 'aldrig någonsin mer' som snurrar omkring i mitt huvud just nu.. jag vet seriöst inte vad jag ska göra. Jag chockar mig själv genom att inte sitta i ett hörn och gråta, mina nikotinmonster går i taket och rastlösheten börjar sätta in på riktigt.
känns nu när jag tänker på det iofs som en ganska normal kväll.
Men
Nej sa Niklas, serddö det är det inte.
Den här kvällen kommer jag antagligen komma ihåg resten av mitt liv. Tillsammans med den 30 April 2007, och därmed även den 30 April 2009.
30 April 2007
30 April 2009
5 Juli 2009
15 September 2009
En ganska munter skara om jag får säga det själv ._.
Jag har så jävla mycket tankar och funderingar och känslor som far runt i hjärnan just nu, m
en jag vet itne vart jag ska göra av dem och snart så exploderar jag nog snart.
(Eller så imploderar jag, av rädsla för att skada någon annan nät spillrorna av mitt liv skjuts iväg med ljusets hastighet.)
Jag kommer ine kunna sova inatt, vilket kommer leda till att jag int kommer kunna hålla mig vaken i morgon, men det löser vi.
Gabbeh, har du lust att träffa mig (& Anna) i morgon ?
Åker upp och lämnar nyckeln i morgon tror jag. Slänger säkert bara ner den i brevlådan och går igen. Klarar inte av det här.
Jag antar att jag någonstans innerst inne var beredd på det här när jag sa Ja den där natten, men jag trodde itne det skulle bli såhär.
känns nu när jag tänker på det iofs som en ganska normal kväll.
Men
Nej sa Niklas, serddö det är det inte.
Den här kvällen kommer jag antagligen komma ihåg resten av mitt liv. Tillsammans med den 30 April 2007, och därmed även den 30 April 2009.
30 April 2007
30 April 2009
5 Juli 2009
15 September 2009
En ganska munter skara om jag får säga det själv ._.
Jag har så jävla mycket tankar och funderingar och känslor som far runt i hjärnan just nu, m
en jag vet itne vart jag ska göra av dem och snart så exploderar jag nog snart.
(Eller så imploderar jag, av rädsla för att skada någon annan nät spillrorna av mitt liv skjuts iväg med ljusets hastighet.)
Jag kommer ine kunna sova inatt, vilket kommer leda till att jag int kommer kunna hålla mig vaken i morgon, men det löser vi.
Gabbeh, har du lust att träffa mig (& Anna) i morgon ?
Åker upp och lämnar nyckeln i morgon tror jag. Slänger säkert bara ner den i brevlådan och går igen. Klarar inte av det här.
Jag antar att jag någonstans innerst inne var beredd på det här när jag sa Ja den där natten, men jag trodde itne det skulle bli såhär.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?
I know that I should be writing on my litterary blog and not my private blog but that freaking book is the most boring book I've ever been forced to read in my entire life. It's worthless, but I feel that Iäm dragging my group down with me if I don't post that blog, so I guess I'll try to do it a little bit later.
How ever, today has been a tiny bit better than yesterday but it's still hard to fight all my impulses. It's hard to not be able to just write you a text message saying how much I love you.
If you guys knew half of all the thought that are spinning around inside my head right now you would realize what a wonder it is that I still haven't taken the first best train to anywhere.
I'm out of here.
How ever, today has been a tiny bit better than yesterday but it's still hard to fight all my impulses. It's hard to not be able to just write you a text message saying how much I love you.
If you guys knew half of all the thought that are spinning around inside my head right now you would realize what a wonder it is that I still haven't taken the first best train to anywhere.
I'm out of here.
måndag 14 september 2009
Have you ever seen such a beautiful night?
So why don't you all just come out from where you've been hiding with your cameras all day and just tell me this is a freaking practical joke? This isn't even fun anymore.
Someone told me that today is 'Chlamydia Day' but I've decided to name it 'Make Louis' head spin faster and faster until it explodes Day', 'cause that's how it all feels right now. I'm so fucking tired of this now, I'm prepared to just through my life away and start digging myself a new home.
Perhaps it's just today's lack of caffeine, but I'm really not up for this right now.
It hurts me that you're feeling bad, but if I may be completely honest (and awfully egocentric) I have to say that what hurts the most right now is how much I miss you.
But of course I would never say that to you (or any of the other persons I'm missing right now), 'cause that would make me the weak person.
I feel like taking the next train to nowhere and then off to a place where no one will ever find me and just stay there, not talking to anyone being quiet all day every day until I drive myself so insane that I simply decide to kill myself.
I freaking hate this motherfucking shitty day. And there are still almost two hours left of it.
Let's kill the clockwork
What ever.
Someone told me that today is 'Chlamydia Day' but I've decided to name it 'Make Louis' head spin faster and faster until it explodes Day', 'cause that's how it all feels right now. I'm so fucking tired of this now, I'm prepared to just through my life away and start digging myself a new home.
Perhaps it's just today's lack of caffeine, but I'm really not up for this right now.
It hurts me that you're feeling bad, but if I may be completely honest (and awfully egocentric) I have to say that what hurts the most right now is how much I miss you.
But of course I would never say that to you (or any of the other persons I'm missing right now), 'cause that would make me the weak person.
I feel like taking the next train to nowhere and then off to a place where no one will ever find me and just stay there, not talking to anyone being quiet all day every day until I drive myself so insane that I simply decide to kill myself.
I freaking hate this motherfucking shitty day. And there are still almost two hours left of it.
Let's kill the clockwork
What ever.
lördag 12 september 2009
She left on Sunday, and he died on Monday
I really haven't had the energy to write anything here for quite som time now, but I guess that there's no one who really cares to read this either, but I'm hanging on to my theory about how writing things down makes them easier to handle.
So, if this is to make myself feel better, why don't I have the curage to write what I really want to?
I'm to afraid that I might hurt someone
Words are like weapons - the wound sometimes
But why can't I write what ever I want when everybode else is writing about everything on their blogs? Sometimes I wish that I cared more about myself than others.
Either way, I feel empty and abandoned. As if there were a major hole in my chest which nothing could ever fill. So I guess it was all just a matter of time before these feelings would come back, but this time I've actually managed to hold on to that smile for a pretty long time.
It feels as if you no longer want to be with me, you feel furter away than ever and I'm afraid that I'm only bothering you with my presence.
I'm not prepared to give this up, to give you up, but sometimes it feels like that is what you want. You make me question so many things about myself - it feels like I'm not good enough for you. I know that I'm not, but I never thought you'd realize that this quickly.
I am so afraid to ask you some things. I'm pretty sure that the truth could kill me in just a matter of seconds, but living a lie has never worked out.
I'm sorry if this is just a huge misunderstanding from my side, and don't you think for a moment that I don't love you. I do love you Sid, I really do but I still got to ask you
Are you thinking of leaving me?
I've gone too far I know.
I'll be in touch.
So, if this is to make myself feel better, why don't I have the curage to write what I really want to?
I'm to afraid that I might hurt someone
Words are like weapons - the wound sometimes
But why can't I write what ever I want when everybode else is writing about everything on their blogs? Sometimes I wish that I cared more about myself than others.
Either way, I feel empty and abandoned. As if there were a major hole in my chest which nothing could ever fill. So I guess it was all just a matter of time before these feelings would come back, but this time I've actually managed to hold on to that smile for a pretty long time.
It feels as if you no longer want to be with me, you feel furter away than ever and I'm afraid that I'm only bothering you with my presence.
I'm not prepared to give this up, to give you up, but sometimes it feels like that is what you want. You make me question so many things about myself - it feels like I'm not good enough for you. I know that I'm not, but I never thought you'd realize that this quickly.
I am so afraid to ask you some things. I'm pretty sure that the truth could kill me in just a matter of seconds, but living a lie has never worked out.
I'm sorry if this is just a huge misunderstanding from my side, and don't you think for a moment that I don't love you. I do love you Sid, I really do but I still got to ask you
Are you thinking of leaving me?
I've gone too far I know.
I'll be in touch.
torsdag 10 september 2009
The girl next door
The last few days has been partly awful.
Some moments have been good and wonderful and amazing and everything else that anyone would want in their life, but mostly I've been sitting somewhere all by myself crying and smoking far too much.
I know I should try to solve my problems and not make them even worse by trying to ignore them, but there are some things that you simply can't talk about with anyone. At least not with anyone that I know. Besides, I don't have a clue what I'd say to you about everything. Things seem to be a bit complicated right now and I have no idea why. I've got pretty much everything I could ever imagine, so why am I not saticfied?
It's bothering me to not quite know what's wrong.
How ever. Other than that I don't have too much to tell you. I've been cleaning and studying all day, and in a little less than five hours I'm going to Sthlm with my sister, Sara. Saturday will be spent in Sexdrega and Sunday too, since I'm going to church for a couple of hours.
The german exchange student, Anna, will be here Monday afternoon. I'm pretty exited, but I don't know, the french exchange students seem to be pretty much a pain in the ass.
W/e
Your silence is scaring me.
Some moments have been good and wonderful and amazing and everything else that anyone would want in their life, but mostly I've been sitting somewhere all by myself crying and smoking far too much.
I know I should try to solve my problems and not make them even worse by trying to ignore them, but there are some things that you simply can't talk about with anyone. At least not with anyone that I know. Besides, I don't have a clue what I'd say to you about everything. Things seem to be a bit complicated right now and I have no idea why. I've got pretty much everything I could ever imagine, so why am I not saticfied?
It's bothering me to not quite know what's wrong.
How ever. Other than that I don't have too much to tell you. I've been cleaning and studying all day, and in a little less than five hours I'm going to Sthlm with my sister, Sara. Saturday will be spent in Sexdrega and Sunday too, since I'm going to church for a couple of hours.
The german exchange student, Anna, will be here Monday afternoon. I'm pretty exited, but I don't know, the french exchange students seem to be pretty much a pain in the ass.
W/e
Your silence is scaring me.
söndag 30 augusti 2009
They all say things you wanna hear
Tonight's tracks :
Sarah Bareilles - Love Song
Miss Li - Dancing the whole way home
This weekend has been something special. I feel this bubbly happy feeling inside and it's more wonderful than I ever thought was possible. I spent as good as the entire weekend in the church, and there's something about that place that makes me feel good about myself. I bet most of you consider that a huge exaggeration but I couldn't be more serious when I say that I'm pretty sure that that's what I want in my life.
Roger was probably right when he said that a world with Jesus is a more `unbroken´ world than a world without Him.
This almost makes me laugh a little, 'cause this is a side of me that most of you probably haven't seen of me so far, but this is the happy Louis. When I spend my time with people that I know care for me, and they're not judging me and I don't have to pretend to be somone that I'm not. I can be myself. And that actually doesn't happen to often. I think I'll try to change that.
You know the post where I wrote that I think I want to work as a deacon? Now I'm sure. That is what I want to do with my life. I guess I'll have to make my faith in God a little stronger and more certain first (I have a long road ahead of me) but when I'm sure that I've found it, I want to spend the rest of my life close to God, helping people.
I spoke to EvaBritt (the deacon in my church) about it today and I felt that she really believed in me when I told her about it. It feels so good to talk about people when you know that they're really listening to. There are definitely way too few of those people in my life. (I'm not saying that there aren't any of those people in my life, 'cause that would be a lie, but I'm pretty sure a could use a few more.)
Since this post is already mostly about God I might as well through in that I'm gonna start reading the Bible someday soon. It's time for that now. I'm really gonna go for it this time. I've tried a couple of times before, but this time I'm gonna make it happen.
Now I have to get started with this weekends load of homework, I haven't really had the time for it until now.
Take care ya'll
(Ps. 121: 2-3)
Sarah Bareilles - Love Song
Miss Li - Dancing the whole way home
This weekend has been something special. I feel this bubbly happy feeling inside and it's more wonderful than I ever thought was possible. I spent as good as the entire weekend in the church, and there's something about that place that makes me feel good about myself. I bet most of you consider that a huge exaggeration but I couldn't be more serious when I say that I'm pretty sure that that's what I want in my life.
Roger was probably right when he said that a world with Jesus is a more `unbroken´ world than a world without Him.
This almost makes me laugh a little, 'cause this is a side of me that most of you probably haven't seen of me so far, but this is the happy Louis. When I spend my time with people that I know care for me, and they're not judging me and I don't have to pretend to be somone that I'm not. I can be myself. And that actually doesn't happen to often. I think I'll try to change that.
You know the post where I wrote that I think I want to work as a deacon? Now I'm sure. That is what I want to do with my life. I guess I'll have to make my faith in God a little stronger and more certain first (I have a long road ahead of me) but when I'm sure that I've found it, I want to spend the rest of my life close to God, helping people.
I spoke to EvaBritt (the deacon in my church) about it today and I felt that she really believed in me when I told her about it. It feels so good to talk about people when you know that they're really listening to. There are definitely way too few of those people in my life. (I'm not saying that there aren't any of those people in my life, 'cause that would be a lie, but I'm pretty sure a could use a few more.)
Since this post is already mostly about God I might as well through in that I'm gonna start reading the Bible someday soon. It's time for that now. I'm really gonna go for it this time. I've tried a couple of times before, but this time I'm gonna make it happen.
Now I have to get started with this weekends load of homework, I haven't really had the time for it until now.
Take care ya'll
(Ps. 121: 2-3)
onsdag 26 augusti 2009
tisdag 25 augusti 2009
Even if it hurts me
I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
You gotta say what's on your mind,
on your mind
I know that this will hurt me,
and break my heart and soul inside
I don't want to live this lie
I guess it's rather obvious which song I listen to tonight.
(The truth - Good Charlotte)
I'm not kidding when I'm telling you that I don't feel well. Everything has fallen apart, there is no part of my life that is intact right now.
I hate to tell you this but right now I'd rather just close my eyes one last time. Never having to face this world with all its problems ever again.
Life seems to be so much harder than it should be. I mean, is every day meant to be a struggle? Do I have to fight for my life every moment awake? Is this the only thing that's keeping me alive? Am I even alive? Does it count for living when the only thing that is keeping you here is the thought of dying? The will to die.
My God, listen to this emo freak.
I should get a grip. But right now it feels like I don't really have anything to hold on to, everything is slipping away. Everything and everyone..
I'm sorry you guys, this is just not a very good time.
torsdag 20 augusti 2009
I got my mind set on destruction
Today's song : The Wildfire (if it was true) - Mando Diao
- obviously
So, school started today and I only have one thing to say about that: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Seriously, I'm not gonna make it this year. There will be a school massacre. Believe me.
I bet you all think I'm just exaggerating but I'm not. Okay every first day of school is a pain in the butt, but this year it was just ridiculous. I woke up and realized that we didn't have any real coffee, took a shower and got almost ready to leave and then I broke down on the floor, screaming that I didn't want to go to school but eventually My and Sarah got me to get up. Then I came to school and it only took me two steps to figure out that that was not the place to be at that time. Then I started crying in the assembly hall, I felt pure panic. After that we got to the classroom, to meet up with Jan and the rest of the class. We got our new schedule (pretty nice actually), a new calendar and a few other papers. We were supposed to get to know which courses we had gotten for IV, but since I got that e-mail from Tomas early this summer I thought Jan would bring it up. Did he? NO! Everyone else that had chosen journalism was on the freaking list. Everyone in the entire class was on that fucking list. Everyone except me. So I simply asked Jan if it was he or Tomas that doesn't like me enough to put me on the list. So Jan just told me to talk to Tomas as soon as I could. Then came strike two - the lockers. Apparently, we won't be having our lockers at the same place as the rest of the class. We just got number and a Good luck finding your locker Chuck, and when I finally found it I discovered that all the people in my class that I dislike have their lockers close to me, while My and Sarah don't. Nice. And another thing that I discovered rather quickly was that my locker was impossible to open. Even nicer, don't you think? So I had to find the janitor, then I had to find the other janitor so that he could fix it for me. Then I had to go to Tomas and talk to him, but there was one hell of a queue so I didn't even bother, I went out to smoke instead.
And here's the really fun part: Then we had to go to class. SERIOUSLY?! You got to be kidding me?! I thought we'd just get introduced to the 09s, answer some questions they'd have and then we could go home. But no.. We had italian and german. Found out that there is only one italian group now, and the people from the other group seem to be idiots. And then I found that they have changed out german groups too - not the same teacher and not the same people. For the love of God people?! I really liked that class, and the teacher.
So let's just say that this year's first day of school was really bad.
Other than that, things have been pretty much business as usual. The heat is killing me, and going to school just to have 2h 10min science tomorrow morning.
I know I'm doing nothing but complaining right now, but I'm not forcing anyone to read this shit.
Bye
- obviously
So, school started today and I only have one thing to say about that: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Seriously, I'm not gonna make it this year. There will be a school massacre. Believe me.
I bet you all think I'm just exaggerating but I'm not. Okay every first day of school is a pain in the butt, but this year it was just ridiculous. I woke up and realized that we didn't have any real coffee, took a shower and got almost ready to leave and then I broke down on the floor, screaming that I didn't want to go to school but eventually My and Sarah got me to get up. Then I came to school and it only took me two steps to figure out that that was not the place to be at that time. Then I started crying in the assembly hall, I felt pure panic. After that we got to the classroom, to meet up with Jan and the rest of the class. We got our new schedule (pretty nice actually), a new calendar and a few other papers. We were supposed to get to know which courses we had gotten for IV, but since I got that e-mail from Tomas early this summer I thought Jan would bring it up. Did he? NO! Everyone else that had chosen journalism was on the freaking list. Everyone in the entire class was on that fucking list. Everyone except me. So I simply asked Jan if it was he or Tomas that doesn't like me enough to put me on the list. So Jan just told me to talk to Tomas as soon as I could. Then came strike two - the lockers. Apparently, we won't be having our lockers at the same place as the rest of the class. We just got number and a Good luck finding your locker Chuck, and when I finally found it I discovered that all the people in my class that I dislike have their lockers close to me, while My and Sarah don't. Nice. And another thing that I discovered rather quickly was that my locker was impossible to open. Even nicer, don't you think? So I had to find the janitor, then I had to find the other janitor so that he could fix it for me. Then I had to go to Tomas and talk to him, but there was one hell of a queue so I didn't even bother, I went out to smoke instead.
And here's the really fun part: Then we had to go to class. SERIOUSLY?! You got to be kidding me?! I thought we'd just get introduced to the 09s, answer some questions they'd have and then we could go home. But no.. We had italian and german. Found out that there is only one italian group now, and the people from the other group seem to be idiots. And then I found that they have changed out german groups too - not the same teacher and not the same people. For the love of God people?! I really liked that class, and the teacher.
So let's just say that this year's first day of school was really bad.
Other than that, things have been pretty much business as usual. The heat is killing me, and going to school just to have 2h 10min science tomorrow morning.
I know I'm doing nothing but complaining right now, but I'm not forcing anyone to read this shit.
Bye
torsdag 13 augusti 2009
Drown in your fake personality
I don't know what to write tonight really, the evening has been good, yet not quite as planned. Malin and I planned to be in Gothenburg with Jonatan all evening but nooooo, Jonatan totally lost it when we said we were going home - since he told us he couldn't meet with us today just because his parents were visiting him. So we went back to Borås almost twelve hours early, decided to stay out all night, just hanging out. Then My came downtown to join and the evening ended at around 11PM when we decided to go to bed since we're all waking up at seven tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna acompany my to the doctors, they had some test results that they wanted to talk to her about.
Malin is going home to Svenljunga at the same time, so after that I'll be alone. All day. I might meet up with Sid before he goes to Jönköping, depending on when he is leaving. Won't know that until tomorrow.
Yet, it has been a totally okay evening, they managed to keep me smiling and they almost made the voices shut the fuck up for a while there. I could barely hear them.
I should be asleep now if I want to make it tomorrow, but something is still bothering me and I know that I won't be able to sleep for at least a few more hours. I'll just continue speaking to Johan on msn until I fall asleep with the computer in my lap. Again..
In one way I can't wait until school starts again - it'll make it easier for me to go back to my old habits of not sleeping, not eating, smoking and drinking tons of coffee. Which is good. Not really, but it works for me.
[00.00]
I don't know why but it feels better to sleep only a few hours each night, waking up at 6.13AM, having a big glass of coffee and then going to school. What ever.
I miss Sid. Terribly.
I know it's good that he is finally trying to stay awake during the days and sleeping by night, but I can't help that I miss staying up all night talking to him. I feel much more safe when I go to bed if I have just talked to him.
However, I should end this now.
Night
I'm gonna acompany my to the doctors, they had some test results that they wanted to talk to her about.
Malin is going home to Svenljunga at the same time, so after that I'll be alone. All day. I might meet up with Sid before he goes to Jönköping, depending on when he is leaving. Won't know that until tomorrow.
Yet, it has been a totally okay evening, they managed to keep me smiling and they almost made the voices shut the fuck up for a while there. I could barely hear them.
I should be asleep now if I want to make it tomorrow, but something is still bothering me and I know that I won't be able to sleep for at least a few more hours. I'll just continue speaking to Johan on msn until I fall asleep with the computer in my lap. Again..
In one way I can't wait until school starts again - it'll make it easier for me to go back to my old habits of not sleeping, not eating, smoking and drinking tons of coffee. Which is good. Not really, but it works for me.
[00.00]
I don't know why but it feels better to sleep only a few hours each night, waking up at 6.13AM, having a big glass of coffee and then going to school. What ever.
I miss Sid. Terribly.
I know it's good that he is finally trying to stay awake during the days and sleeping by night, but I can't help that I miss staying up all night talking to him. I feel much more safe when I go to bed if I have just talked to him.
However, I should end this now.
Night
onsdag 12 augusti 2009
Inhale exhale repeat
Tonight's track : Seven Miles Away - CPR
I've never felt this lost. I feel like just taking off into the big nowhere I have never seen, leaving everything and everyone behind, never looking back. Never coming back.
Now that we're here I can't seem to find my, my rescue flare
I don't want this life anymore. If you want it you can have it, cause I sure as hell don't want to live like this.
I wish I knew what is wrong with me, maybe then I would be able to gather up some curage and tell someone about it. But when you don't know what's wrong it's hard to tell anyone about it..
I shouldn't be sitting here, I should be sleeping, since I have to wake up around half past seven tomorrow morning to be able to get ready before Malin gets here. And I shouldn't be writing this cause I hate people's questions. And I shouldn't be listening to this song cause it makes me remember things that should be in my past and in my past only..
You know what?
Never mind..
I've never felt this lost. I feel like just taking off into the big nowhere I have never seen, leaving everything and everyone behind, never looking back. Never coming back.
Now that we're here I can't seem to find my, my rescue flare
I don't want this life anymore. If you want it you can have it, cause I sure as hell don't want to live like this.
I wish I knew what is wrong with me, maybe then I would be able to gather up some curage and tell someone about it. But when you don't know what's wrong it's hard to tell anyone about it..
I shouldn't be sitting here, I should be sleeping, since I have to wake up around half past seven tomorrow morning to be able to get ready before Malin gets here. And I shouldn't be writing this cause I hate people's questions. And I shouldn't be listening to this song cause it makes me remember things that should be in my past and in my past only..
You know what?
Never mind..
tisdag 11 augusti 2009
Going nowhere
I think I might delete this blog. It's going nowhere, I don't have the energy to write anything important, and if there is anything of importance that I feel that I need to tell the world I'll just go out and buy a megaphone. Seriously, I don't think this whole blogger-thing is for me.
Of course it feels good to have somewhere to relieve one's feelings but Hey, what happened to pens and papers?
I don't know right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I know.
Of course it feels good to have somewhere to relieve one's feelings but Hey, what happened to pens and papers?
I don't know right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I know.
måndag 10 augusti 2009
Everything isn't meant to be okay
I'm really running out of words, I can't seem to find any these days. I hardly talk to people any longer and I never write here, it's as if I've gone into some sort of hibernation or something, my heart is beating slower and I sleep almost all day every day.
I have taken the time and saved the energy to go visit Gabbeh though, yesterday and twice today. She seems to be feeling much better now and that makes me so happy - hopefully she'll be going home tomorrow.
Other than that there isn't much to tell really, I miss Sid terribly, but hopefully I'll see him tomorrow, if he isn't busy with something else.
Now I think I'll just continue watching Beck.
Bye
I have taken the time and saved the energy to go visit Gabbeh though, yesterday and twice today. She seems to be feeling much better now and that makes me so happy - hopefully she'll be going home tomorrow.
Other than that there isn't much to tell really, I miss Sid terribly, but hopefully I'll see him tomorrow, if he isn't busy with something else.
Now I think I'll just continue watching Beck.
Bye
söndag 9 augusti 2009
The nights are wearing me down
The days seem to be getting longer and harder to get through. I don't know what it is (I really don't) but something is holding me back. What ever that thing may be it's getting stronger and stronger. (Or am I getting weaker and weaker?)
I have no inspiration left, which leaves me with almost nothing, and I don't see the point in waking up every morning when I know that it's just gonna be another useless day anyway.
I need something new, something good, something to help me breathe, something to take away all the dark clouds in my sky - something that allows the sun to shine and brighten up my life. And I need it now.
I don't want to waste my life, I want to be somthing. Want to be someone. I want people to know my name.
Like yesterday, some friends and I decided to go to Borås since on of my friends' friends said that there was some kind of party there. So we took the bus in to Borås and finally got up to Kype, where this girl walks up to me and says something like `Hey! It's you!´ and I didn't recognize this girl at all, and then she told me that she had seen me downtown some times and that she had always wanted to talk to me. She called me pretty and she knew my name God damnit?! I mean, for the love of God.. That's the kind of person I wish I was. I want everyone to know my name.
That is just the kind of person I will never be.
I'm really tired so I should try and get some sleep now. I think I'll try to wake up again around 19.00 but I don't know yet.
Night
I have no inspiration left, which leaves me with almost nothing, and I don't see the point in waking up every morning when I know that it's just gonna be another useless day anyway.
I need something new, something good, something to help me breathe, something to take away all the dark clouds in my sky - something that allows the sun to shine and brighten up my life. And I need it now.
I don't want to waste my life, I want to be somthing. Want to be someone. I want people to know my name.
Like yesterday, some friends and I decided to go to Borås since on of my friends' friends said that there was some kind of party there. So we took the bus in to Borås and finally got up to Kype, where this girl walks up to me and says something like `Hey! It's you!´ and I didn't recognize this girl at all, and then she told me that she had seen me downtown some times and that she had always wanted to talk to me. She called me pretty and she knew my name God damnit?! I mean, for the love of God.. That's the kind of person I wish I was. I want everyone to know my name.
That is just the kind of person I will never be.
I'm really tired so I should try and get some sleep now. I think I'll try to wake up again around 19.00 but I don't know yet.
Night
fredag 7 augusti 2009
Smärtan är den samma för hypokondrikern
Idag tänker jag skriva på svenska för jag orkar inte tänka.
Jag vet inte vad det är som händer med mig längre, jag borde vara hur glad som helst hela tiden, men det här leendet är alldeles för tungt för att jag ska orka bära upp det. Jag orkar verkligen med alla dessa tysta tårar längre. Jag vill bara skrika rakt ut. Jag vill kunna berätta för någon vad det är som är fel, men jag vågar inte för då kommer ni allihopa vara vända ryggen till. Och när ni gör det (inte om utan när ni gör det) så kommer ni inte bara lämna mig tillsammans med mina tårar utan också med förnedring och en förtvivlan som skulle kunna få Mount Everest att rasa samman.
Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra för att slippa må såhär dåligt. Det känns som jag redan har testat allt, men det är inget som hjälper. Visst, ibland mår jag bra ett längre tag men egentligen är det bara en tidfråga innan den stickande smärtan i bröstet, bultandet i huvudet, vanföreställningarna och ångesten kommer tillbaka.
Vad är det för fel på mig?!
Jag borde inte må såhär dåligt, jag borde inte klaga. Jag har ett bra liv, två föräldrar som faktiskt bryr sig om mig, en helt underbar pojkvän, ett antal fullkomligt himmelska kompisar som gång på gång bevisar för mig att de finns där för mig när jag behöver dem.
Så om mitt liv är så himla bra, varför sitter jag då här och gråter av ren panik?
Jag orkar inte.
Jag vet inte vad det är som händer med mig längre, jag borde vara hur glad som helst hela tiden, men det här leendet är alldeles för tungt för att jag ska orka bära upp det. Jag orkar verkligen med alla dessa tysta tårar längre. Jag vill bara skrika rakt ut. Jag vill kunna berätta för någon vad det är som är fel, men jag vågar inte för då kommer ni allihopa vara vända ryggen till. Och när ni gör det (inte om utan när ni gör det) så kommer ni inte bara lämna mig tillsammans med mina tårar utan också med förnedring och en förtvivlan som skulle kunna få Mount Everest att rasa samman.
Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra för att slippa må såhär dåligt. Det känns som jag redan har testat allt, men det är inget som hjälper. Visst, ibland mår jag bra ett längre tag men egentligen är det bara en tidfråga innan den stickande smärtan i bröstet, bultandet i huvudet, vanföreställningarna och ångesten kommer tillbaka.
Vad är det för fel på mig?!
Jag borde inte må såhär dåligt, jag borde inte klaga. Jag har ett bra liv, två föräldrar som faktiskt bryr sig om mig, en helt underbar pojkvän, ett antal fullkomligt himmelska kompisar som gång på gång bevisar för mig att de finns där för mig när jag behöver dem.
Så om mitt liv är så himla bra, varför sitter jag då här och gråter av ren panik?
Jag orkar inte.
tisdag 4 augusti 2009
Say something, anything to me
I really shouldn't be awake this early, but it's pretty hard to sleep when you're almost coughing your lungs out. And if you add the noise from the café thing that is being renovated downstairs and the trucks that come and go all morning you get what I'm trying to sleep with. It's not that easy. So I got up and took a shower, had a cup of coffee, read the morning paper, solved a Sudoku and checked my Facebook.
Nothing much.
Then my dad was home for a little while, surprised that I was up already (He's not the only one), so I talked to him for a while, he asked me to look for a birthdaypresent for Isabelle today, we're gonna buy her a pair of Converse. And my mom and my sister are going to Gothenburg today, so I'm gonna ask them to go to Weekday and look for a pair of CheapMonday jeans.
I gotta buy a gift to Becca as well, we're celebrating her on the 8th of August and then Isabelle the 9th..
Then we have Sid's birthday, and Sara's, and (the other) Sarah's birthday was yesterday.. That's a lot of gifts that has to be bought.
What ever.
I feel sort of absent-minded right now, it's as if nothing matters and nothing makes sense. Everything just is, but that's all there is to it.
I wake up everyday, get up, get dressed, put some makeup on, drink coffee, (usually) skip breakfast, sit at home until My has finished working and then I spend the rest of the day with her and when she has taken her bus home I usually spend the rest of the evening (night) with Sid. Then I get home, go to bed and then everything starts over again the next morning. Not that I'm complaining, but I still think I could do more with my life. I mean, for the love of God, next summer will be my last Summervacation and I hope I'll have a job then, so this is sort of my last summer to just have fun and live life while it's worth living. And what do I do about it? Nothing. At all. And now it's almost over.
Great.
I think I'll just spend the entire day listening to Håkan Hellström. His voice always manage to keep me calm.
I'm so looking forward to September 18th, when he's playing at Liseberg. I guess this year won't be exactly like the others, since Hanna won't be going with us, and not Marcus either, but it'll be Malin and I, and that's what really matters when it's Håkan at Liseberg.
This will be our fourth year, I think..
The only thing that is bothering me is the fact that 'my' german exchange student will be here that week, but I'll simply tell my teacher that I'm busy, or I'll just ask my dad to call me in sick and send the stupid german to school anyway.
We'll see.
Now I'm gonna get my face together and then message Sid to see if he's still downtown or if he's gone home.
Later
Nothing much.
Then my dad was home for a little while, surprised that I was up already (He's not the only one), so I talked to him for a while, he asked me to look for a birthdaypresent for Isabelle today, we're gonna buy her a pair of Converse. And my mom and my sister are going to Gothenburg today, so I'm gonna ask them to go to Weekday and look for a pair of CheapMonday jeans.
I gotta buy a gift to Becca as well, we're celebrating her on the 8th of August and then Isabelle the 9th..
Then we have Sid's birthday, and Sara's, and (the other) Sarah's birthday was yesterday.. That's a lot of gifts that has to be bought.
What ever.
I feel sort of absent-minded right now, it's as if nothing matters and nothing makes sense. Everything just is, but that's all there is to it.
I wake up everyday, get up, get dressed, put some makeup on, drink coffee, (usually) skip breakfast, sit at home until My has finished working and then I spend the rest of the day with her and when she has taken her bus home I usually spend the rest of the evening (night) with Sid. Then I get home, go to bed and then everything starts over again the next morning. Not that I'm complaining, but I still think I could do more with my life. I mean, for the love of God, next summer will be my last Summervacation and I hope I'll have a job then, so this is sort of my last summer to just have fun and live life while it's worth living. And what do I do about it? Nothing. At all. And now it's almost over.
Great.
I think I'll just spend the entire day listening to Håkan Hellström. His voice always manage to keep me calm.
I'm so looking forward to September 18th, when he's playing at Liseberg. I guess this year won't be exactly like the others, since Hanna won't be going with us, and not Marcus either, but it'll be Malin and I, and that's what really matters when it's Håkan at Liseberg.
This will be our fourth year, I think..
The only thing that is bothering me is the fact that 'my' german exchange student will be here that week, but I'll simply tell my teacher that I'm busy, or I'll just ask my dad to call me in sick and send the stupid german to school anyway.
We'll see.
Now I'm gonna get my face together and then message Sid to see if he's still downtown or if he's gone home.
Later
måndag 3 augusti 2009
Bring it on
So,
I've been home from ten days of camping since saturday, I just haven't had time or energy to write anything here.
But (almost) everything has been good during camp week, of course it's been raining on and off but I've met some old friends and a whole bunch of new ones.
That 'almost' means that I've been missing people here at home, and I've been missing my computer.
I seriously don't know what to write.
What the hell..
I'll get back to you
I've been home from ten days of camping since saturday, I just haven't had time or energy to write anything here.
But (almost) everything has been good during camp week, of course it's been raining on and off but I've met some old friends and a whole bunch of new ones.
That 'almost' means that I've been missing people here at home, and I've been missing my computer.
I seriously don't know what to write.
What the hell..
I'll get back to you
torsdag 23 juli 2009
Would you go along with someone like me?
I've been having a really hard time finding words to describe my life right now, but I figured it was about time that I got myself together and gave you all some sort of update.
Right this moment everything feels chaotic - I'm leaving for camp tomorrow (Thursday) and won't be home until 1st or 2nd of August. It feels good 'cause I know that I'm always happy when I'm at camp but at the same time it feels like I've never left this much.
I'm gonna miss everyone terribly. Well, not everyone, obviously, but I can think of three people whom I will miss terribly.
Gabbeh, Klumpen, I love you. With all my heart, soul and mind. Without you my life would not be worth living. I think you know how much you mean to me, and don't you ever forget that. Even when everything is feeling out of place. Just find the moon on the night sky and you will know that I'm there. I love you, you are my moon - you give me light when everything else is just black.
Sid. For making me happy and forgetting about all my problems. You haven't been a part of my life for too long, but I really hope you want to stay in it. I have feelings for you that I have had for no one else before. I usually spare my words, especially these words and there are not many whom I say it to, but
I love you.
My. You make my days worth waking up to. I have no idea what I would do without you. I haven't known you for even a year, but I know that this is the beginning of something special. You know things about me that not a lot of people know and I feel that I can really trust you. The same way you can trust me.
You probably won't read this, but I don't really care, you mean too much for me to not be in this post.
There are a lot of other things going on right now too but I don't want to bother you with it. It doesn't seem that important anymore.
So, my bus leaves at 17.30 tomorrow.
Now I've run out of words, so I think I'll just go to bed.
Sweet dreams
Right this moment everything feels chaotic - I'm leaving for camp tomorrow (Thursday) and won't be home until 1st or 2nd of August. It feels good 'cause I know that I'm always happy when I'm at camp but at the same time it feels like I've never left this much.
I'm gonna miss everyone terribly. Well, not everyone, obviously, but I can think of three people whom I will miss terribly.
Gabbeh, Klumpen, I love you. With all my heart, soul and mind. Without you my life would not be worth living. I think you know how much you mean to me, and don't you ever forget that. Even when everything is feeling out of place. Just find the moon on the night sky and you will know that I'm there. I love you, you are my moon - you give me light when everything else is just black.
Sid. For making me happy and forgetting about all my problems. You haven't been a part of my life for too long, but I really hope you want to stay in it. I have feelings for you that I have had for no one else before. I usually spare my words, especially these words and there are not many whom I say it to, but
I love you.
My. You make my days worth waking up to. I have no idea what I would do without you. I haven't known you for even a year, but I know that this is the beginning of something special. You know things about me that not a lot of people know and I feel that I can really trust you. The same way you can trust me.
You probably won't read this, but I don't really care, you mean too much for me to not be in this post.
There are a lot of other things going on right now too but I don't want to bother you with it. It doesn't seem that important anymore.
So, my bus leaves at 17.30 tomorrow.
Now I've run out of words, so I think I'll just go to bed.
Sweet dreams
tisdag 14 juli 2009
In the shadows of the things I try to hide
I don't want to be a burden ..
I don't want to be in anyone's way, I just want to live my life and try to not getting too hurt. Is that even possible? Sometimes it feels like I've been way too hurt to ever become whole again.
There's a hole in my soul, which no pill could ever fill.
Sure, I've had some pretty damn good band-aids over the years but somehow it feels like I will never get rid of this awkward feeling of always being broken. And as we all know, it always hurts more to take off a band-aid than it did when you got the wound in the first place. I just need a really good band-aid, or at least some pain killers.
I try to smile my way through life, thinking that if I smile maybe I'll make someone else smile too. But it's hard to keep smiling when people around you just scream or cry. Crying is worse than screaming. I seriously can't stand it when someone cry, I feel worthless if I can't make the person stop crying.
Moments like this always ends up with me thinkin of what I would want to work with when I grow up - if I ever grow up. And I think I know what I want to do.
I want to help people. I'm actually thinking about maybe working within the 'church-business'. Helping kids who need someone to talk to. It just might be the job for me, being the person that I wish I had two years ago, when I wasn't feeling too good. I have some of those wonderful people in my life right now, people like Karin, Annelouise and Eva-Britt. I want to be like them 'cause they always make me smile. It's impossible to not smile when you're around them.
I want to work as a deacon. I really think I do. Helping people and helping them to help themseleves. A lot of helping in one sentence, I know, but that's pretty much what they do.
A happy helper. Could you ever imagine me being a happy helper? I know I can't, but I'm really going to try. I'm pretty sure it would be worth it to go through all that trouble (I'm thinking education) to be able to go to bed each night, knowing that you spent the entire day helping people.
Nice, I think I've finally figured out what I want to with my life.
Not too bad for someone like me.
I don't want to be in anyone's way, I just want to live my life and try to not getting too hurt. Is that even possible? Sometimes it feels like I've been way too hurt to ever become whole again.
There's a hole in my soul, which no pill could ever fill.
Sure, I've had some pretty damn good band-aids over the years but somehow it feels like I will never get rid of this awkward feeling of always being broken. And as we all know, it always hurts more to take off a band-aid than it did when you got the wound in the first place. I just need a really good band-aid, or at least some pain killers.
I try to smile my way through life, thinking that if I smile maybe I'll make someone else smile too. But it's hard to keep smiling when people around you just scream or cry. Crying is worse than screaming. I seriously can't stand it when someone cry, I feel worthless if I can't make the person stop crying.
Moments like this always ends up with me thinkin of what I would want to work with when I grow up - if I ever grow up. And I think I know what I want to do.
I want to help people. I'm actually thinking about maybe working within the 'church-business'. Helping kids who need someone to talk to. It just might be the job for me, being the person that I wish I had two years ago, when I wasn't feeling too good. I have some of those wonderful people in my life right now, people like Karin, Annelouise and Eva-Britt. I want to be like them 'cause they always make me smile. It's impossible to not smile when you're around them.
I want to work as a deacon. I really think I do. Helping people and helping them to help themseleves. A lot of helping in one sentence, I know, but that's pretty much what they do.
A happy helper. Could you ever imagine me being a happy helper? I know I can't, but I'm really going to try. I'm pretty sure it would be worth it to go through all that trouble (I'm thinking education) to be able to go to bed each night, knowing that you spent the entire day helping people.
Nice, I think I've finally figured out what I want to with my life.
Not too bad for someone like me.
måndag 13 juli 2009
Everyone is weak
Today's special song so far is, without a doubt :
Belle and Sebastian - Stay Loose
Feeling empty today really, I don't know why but I feel kind of bad. My dad isn't doing to well right now I think. We're broke and all of Mervie's stuff are gone, so I don't know if they broke up or something.
Okey, I never liked her but the only reason I let her saty was because I know that she makes my dad happy. And now, he has nothing and no one to make him happy again.
This entire moneyproblem is killing me, seriously. I'm sick and tired of never having enough money to manage until the end of the month.
I shouldn't even be writing this here, it's just embarassing, but I don't have anyone to talk to when it comes to this. I mean, I can't talk to my dad 'cause I know he's ashamed. And I don't want people to know really (I know, really smart to write it on your blog if you don't want people to know), so that leaves me and my blog.
I should stop this before I say something very stupid that I'll regret later.
See ya'll later
Belle and Sebastian - Stay Loose
Feeling empty today really, I don't know why but I feel kind of bad. My dad isn't doing to well right now I think. We're broke and all of Mervie's stuff are gone, so I don't know if they broke up or something.
Okey, I never liked her but the only reason I let her saty was because I know that she makes my dad happy. And now, he has nothing and no one to make him happy again.
This entire moneyproblem is killing me, seriously. I'm sick and tired of never having enough money to manage until the end of the month.
I shouldn't even be writing this here, it's just embarassing, but I don't have anyone to talk to when it comes to this. I mean, I can't talk to my dad 'cause I know he's ashamed. And I don't want people to know really (I know, really smart to write it on your blog if you don't want people to know), so that leaves me and my blog.
I should stop this before I say something very stupid that I'll regret later.
See ya'll later
lördag 11 juli 2009
The silent treatment
You know damn well that you are the only person on this earth who is capable of making me feel this worthless. You know it too well, so you use it to get to me?
This is not me saying I'm sorry for anything - I aint saying that until we've sat down over a cup of coffee or whatever and really talked this over. I can see why you're disappointed in me, but why do you have to make it such a big deal?! You talked to Sid about it, which caused some issues. And then you went to My, and now you've made another of my close friends dislike you. (The other one I was thinking of is Hanna, not that it matters anymore, but you and her hating each other really caused me some headaches)
Okey, I should have told you. But now I didn't, not over a text message or over the phone, 'cause I wanted to sit down and talk to you about it. Since you are my one closest friend I wanted to know what you thought about everything. I trust you. I could give you heart in a paperbag, and I would still not have to worry that something would happen to it.
But I guess that doesn't mean shit to you anylonger.
'Cause you don't reply on my messages anymore.
I guess it's about time I started believing in fate. If we're meant to be friends again, things'll work out.
If not ..
I don't even want to think about 'If not'..
Other than fighting with Klumpen, today has been good. I've been nice to my Mom all day. Haven't been home much, but I've been nice.
Took the 14.43 bus in to Borås. Met Malin on the bus and she made me smile, as always. Then we bought cigarettes and I bought myself a new eyeshadow, since I dropped mine on the floor yesterday.
Then I took the bus up to see Sid. Gosh, he makes me happy. I feel relaxed in his company, even if the thought of not being around him is constantly aching in the back of my head. I miss falling asleep in your arms and to see you lying right next to me when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I can't say it enough.
Baby, you make me so happy.
I'm thinking about whether or not I should go to bed.
I wonder what happened to the time when I could stay up 'til four in the morning, sleep for two hours and still manage going to school. Everything felt a bit better then. Somehow.
I'm tired as hell, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. This entire fight is haunting me, it makes me feel sick.
Well, goodnight I guess.
This is not me saying I'm sorry for anything - I aint saying that until we've sat down over a cup of coffee or whatever and really talked this over. I can see why you're disappointed in me, but why do you have to make it such a big deal?! You talked to Sid about it, which caused some issues. And then you went to My, and now you've made another of my close friends dislike you. (The other one I was thinking of is Hanna, not that it matters anymore, but you and her hating each other really caused me some headaches)
Okey, I should have told you. But now I didn't, not over a text message or over the phone, 'cause I wanted to sit down and talk to you about it. Since you are my one closest friend I wanted to know what you thought about everything. I trust you. I could give you heart in a paperbag, and I would still not have to worry that something would happen to it.
But I guess that doesn't mean shit to you anylonger.
'Cause you don't reply on my messages anymore.
I guess it's about time I started believing in fate. If we're meant to be friends again, things'll work out.
If not ..
I don't even want to think about 'If not'..
Other than fighting with Klumpen, today has been good. I've been nice to my Mom all day. Haven't been home much, but I've been nice.
Took the 14.43 bus in to Borås. Met Malin on the bus and she made me smile, as always. Then we bought cigarettes and I bought myself a new eyeshadow, since I dropped mine on the floor yesterday.
Then I took the bus up to see Sid. Gosh, he makes me happy. I feel relaxed in his company, even if the thought of not being around him is constantly aching in the back of my head. I miss falling asleep in your arms and to see you lying right next to me when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I can't say it enough.
Baby, you make me so happy.
I'm thinking about whether or not I should go to bed.
I wonder what happened to the time when I could stay up 'til four in the morning, sleep for two hours and still manage going to school. Everything felt a bit better then. Somehow.
I'm tired as hell, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. This entire fight is haunting me, it makes me feel sick.
Well, goodnight I guess.
fredag 10 juli 2009
Bloodstained Friday
I'm sorry. So sorry for making you think that I don't want to be with you. I want to be with you. I don't know what she said to you, but it's not you who is making me feel insecure. I've been building up this insecurity for sixteen years, and it wont just go away over night.
I though I would be able to hide it from you.
Don't look at it and it'll stop existing.
I thought that pretending that there were no insecurity, it would simply start to go away. More and more for everyday. But I didn't get as much time as I needed, so know you know pretty much all about it.
I guess that all I can do right now is to wait and see if you return any of my textmessages.
And Gabbeh, I have never ever said that I don't trust you. You made that up all by yourself I'm afraid. But I guess I might have given you something to build it on by not telling you about Sid and me.
I don't know anymore.
I think I'll just die for a while.
I though I would be able to hide it from you.
Don't look at it and it'll stop existing.
I thought that pretending that there were no insecurity, it would simply start to go away. More and more for everyday. But I didn't get as much time as I needed, so know you know pretty much all about it.
I guess that all I can do right now is to wait and see if you return any of my textmessages.
And Gabbeh, I have never ever said that I don't trust you. You made that up all by yourself I'm afraid. But I guess I might have given you something to build it on by not telling you about Sid and me.
I don't know anymore.
I think I'll just die for a while.
torsdag 9 juli 2009
Let's kill the clockwork
Today has been a pretty good day. Started it with breakfast with My, since she wasn't feeling bad I made her purple pancakes. It made her feel a little bit better, so that made me feel a little better.
Then I met my boy, one very special boy that is. You make me happy baby, you really do. Feeling your heartbeats and hearing your voice makes me smile. I really don't know what else to say.
Malin came in to Borås today, I haven't seen her in years almost. That girl sure knows how to make my day better. I've been laughing and smiling all day, laughing like I haven't done since I was i ninth grade. Seriously. Seeing her really made me miss the good old days back at Mogaskolan. Okey, it wasn't always great there but Malin sure made it all worth it.
We took a cup of coffee and then we met with My and we walked around downtown, in the park and all over. Laughed at funnylooking people, threw stones and talked to people. I met Kalleponken! My babybrother of all times, haven't seen him for quite some time either. Felt nice.
And we watched Melody Club. God, those guys make me happy. Haven't seen them since the last time they played in Borås I think, so it was definitely right on time.
I also recieved a couple of looks from one certain person. If it would have been anyone else I wouldn't have cared, but when it comes from her, I feel really insecure.
Now I'm almost falling asleep, watching Grannfejden and talking to Jonatan.
So, night everyone :*
Then I met my boy, one very special boy that is. You make me happy baby, you really do. Feeling your heartbeats and hearing your voice makes me smile. I really don't know what else to say.
Malin came in to Borås today, I haven't seen her in years almost. That girl sure knows how to make my day better. I've been laughing and smiling all day, laughing like I haven't done since I was i ninth grade. Seriously. Seeing her really made me miss the good old days back at Mogaskolan. Okey, it wasn't always great there but Malin sure made it all worth it.
We took a cup of coffee and then we met with My and we walked around downtown, in the park and all over. Laughed at funnylooking people, threw stones and talked to people. I met Kalleponken! My babybrother of all times, haven't seen him for quite some time either. Felt nice.
And we watched Melody Club. God, those guys make me happy. Haven't seen them since the last time they played in Borås I think, so it was definitely right on time.
I also recieved a couple of looks from one certain person. If it would have been anyone else I wouldn't have cared, but when it comes from her, I feel really insecure.
Now I'm almost falling asleep, watching Grannfejden and talking to Jonatan.
So, night everyone :*
onsdag 8 juli 2009
The story of my old man
I know I haven't been writing here for a while now, and right now I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. But I don't give a shit. This day sucks.
I hate you.
You hardly even close the door behind you before you start telling me how worthless I am. Do you really think I want to hear all of that? I was actually happy before you came home today, I met one of my best friends, and another good friend of mine will be here any minute. Why can't you just let me be happy for once?! Do you get a kick from making me cry?
'Cause I do. I burst into tears everyday over you.
Sometimes I wish that I didn't even know your name.
And some of you wonder why I hate spending time at home? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that an insecure, sixteen yearold girl doesn't want to hear how worthless she is every single day.
Fuck this, I'm out of here.
I hate you.
You hardly even close the door behind you before you start telling me how worthless I am. Do you really think I want to hear all of that? I was actually happy before you came home today, I met one of my best friends, and another good friend of mine will be here any minute. Why can't you just let me be happy for once?! Do you get a kick from making me cry?
'Cause I do. I burst into tears everyday over you.
Sometimes I wish that I didn't even know your name.
And some of you wonder why I hate spending time at home? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that an insecure, sixteen yearold girl doesn't want to hear how worthless she is every single day.
Fuck this, I'm out of here.
lördag 4 juli 2009
It's nobody's business
mI know I haven't been writing here in quite some time now, but everything has been pretty much this week. I've been working, and Gabbeh has been staying here and I've just been busy.
So, working. I've been helping my mom cleaning at school. I guess I should be happy that I'm finally getting some money (since I'm broke), but just seeing that school makes it harder to breathe, everything comes back to me then, everything that went wrong.
Gabbeh made it all a bit better though, she was satying here from Tuesday to Thursday I think. I haven't got a clue which days she was here, but it really made my life suck less. So she and I hung out a lot with Louise this week, and I can't see why I haven't talked to that girl before, she's freaking amazing.
And this Thursday the three of us took the bus in to Borås, Gabbeh was meeting with Johan, Louise was meeting with Sassy and all of those people, and I was meeting Sid.
I've never been that nervous in my entire life, I thought my chest would break. Of course it didn't, so we went up to get the keys to his new apartment. It felt as if there were a pretty big silence between us, but it didn't freak me out as silence usually does. You were right, it feels good to have someone that you can share the silence with wothout feeling totally awkward.
And then we pretty much sat and waited for his train back home, and right before he had to get on the train he kissed me. In that second, I was almost sure that I was going to die from the explosion in my heart.
My feelings for you are seem to be growing stronger and stronger every day, and you really make me feel happy, and good about myself.
I hope I make you happy too.
Everything else is pretty good right now too, apart from this damn heat, it's killing me. Today I've pretty much been sleeping the entire day, only woke up to eat.
But in a few minutes I'll see if I manage to start the lawnmower, I promised my mom to help her with that. And I really have to get out and run tonight, I really haven't been working out as much as I should have if I want to make it to Kretsloppet in september. And I have to make it. Sofie is going to make it, and then I have to make it to because I can't not be better than her. She's 25 for crying out loud, I won't let her be in better shape than me. End of discussion.
Now I'm gonna drink three liters of water and then I'll try and start the lawnmower.
You know where to get the hold of me.
So, working. I've been helping my mom cleaning at school. I guess I should be happy that I'm finally getting some money (since I'm broke), but just seeing that school makes it harder to breathe, everything comes back to me then, everything that went wrong.
Gabbeh made it all a bit better though, she was satying here from Tuesday to Thursday I think. I haven't got a clue which days she was here, but it really made my life suck less. So she and I hung out a lot with Louise this week, and I can't see why I haven't talked to that girl before, she's freaking amazing.
And this Thursday the three of us took the bus in to Borås, Gabbeh was meeting with Johan, Louise was meeting with Sassy and all of those people, and I was meeting Sid.
I've never been that nervous in my entire life, I thought my chest would break. Of course it didn't, so we went up to get the keys to his new apartment. It felt as if there were a pretty big silence between us, but it didn't freak me out as silence usually does. You were right, it feels good to have someone that you can share the silence with wothout feeling totally awkward.
And then we pretty much sat and waited for his train back home, and right before he had to get on the train he kissed me. In that second, I was almost sure that I was going to die from the explosion in my heart.
My feelings for you are seem to be growing stronger and stronger every day, and you really make me feel happy, and good about myself.
I hope I make you happy too.
Everything else is pretty good right now too, apart from this damn heat, it's killing me. Today I've pretty much been sleeping the entire day, only woke up to eat.
But in a few minutes I'll see if I manage to start the lawnmower, I promised my mom to help her with that. And I really have to get out and run tonight, I really haven't been working out as much as I should have if I want to make it to Kretsloppet in september. And I have to make it. Sofie is going to make it, and then I have to make it to because I can't not be better than her. She's 25 for crying out loud, I won't let her be in better shape than me. End of discussion.
Now I'm gonna drink three liters of water and then I'll try and start the lawnmower.
You know where to get the hold of me.
tisdag 30 juni 2009
Din fula, äckliga lilla hora.
Jag hatar dig och jag hoppas att du dör.
Du ska fan inte komma här och tro att du kan säga till mig att jag ska hålla käften så fort du ber om det. Du har ingen rätt att vara sur för mig bara för att du inte håller koll på vart fan din jävla medicin är någonstans och jag tänker fan inte ta någon skit från en sån som dig.
Nu är jag fan i mig riktigt jävla förbannad.
Du är smutsig och falsk.
Dra åt helvette
Jag hatar dig och jag hoppas att du dör.
Du ska fan inte komma här och tro att du kan säga till mig att jag ska hålla käften så fort du ber om det. Du har ingen rätt att vara sur för mig bara för att du inte håller koll på vart fan din jävla medicin är någonstans och jag tänker fan inte ta någon skit från en sån som dig.
Nu är jag fan i mig riktigt jävla förbannad.
Du är smutsig och falsk.
Dra åt helvette
The nights are wearing me down
I can no longer sleep without another person in the room. I haven´t slept alone for three weeks and it´s pointless to try to sleep when you can´t fall asleep to the sound of someone breathing. Hardly slept at all last night just because of the awful loneliness. And on top of not sleeping I had to get up at half past six to go to work(?!). Your heard me, I´ve been working today, helping mom at her job at school. It´s dead boring but at least I´ll get some money. Too bad I won´t be getting it until end of August though. But I think I´ll manage.
Walking around in that old school all day really brought back some tough memories. I suddenly remembered all the fighting with all the girls in my class and that stupid whore Linnea. I really hate her for ruining that time of my life for me. When I walked in to my fifth grade classroom I had flashbacks of my parents separation, crying in the bathroom, cutting my wrists for the very first time, being fat, blonde and insecure, the birth of my demons, sitting behind the gym at nights and crying..
And I thought those were the good times.
Going from one thing to another, I hate it when people silently expect you to go everything for them. They don´t say it but you still understand what they want you to do - they want you to forget your own life and to what ever it takes to be good enough for them instead.
I really hate you when you´re doing this you know. I won´t but my life on hold just for you when you can just get on a bus and get it yourself.
No way.
Now I´m depressed, upset and tired so I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Since I have to get up early tomorrow.
Okey, now you make me really angry. You say that you´re almost dying without your freaking medicine and still you can´t get your fat, sorry ass on a bus here to come and get it. You really want me to come and give it to you, don´t you?!
I really don´t care anymore, it´s your freaking problem. And then you get mad at me for not throwing myself on the floor as soon as you ask for it. Sorry, but you could have just thought about the fact that you might die withouth your medicine before I had to practicly run to my bis this saturday.
Tough luck Chuck.
Night ._.
Walking around in that old school all day really brought back some tough memories. I suddenly remembered all the fighting with all the girls in my class and that stupid whore Linnea. I really hate her for ruining that time of my life for me. When I walked in to my fifth grade classroom I had flashbacks of my parents separation, crying in the bathroom, cutting my wrists for the very first time, being fat, blonde and insecure, the birth of my demons, sitting behind the gym at nights and crying..
And I thought those were the good times.
Going from one thing to another, I hate it when people silently expect you to go everything for them. They don´t say it but you still understand what they want you to do - they want you to forget your own life and to what ever it takes to be good enough for them instead.
I really hate you when you´re doing this you know. I won´t but my life on hold just for you when you can just get on a bus and get it yourself.
No way.
Now I´m depressed, upset and tired so I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Since I have to get up early tomorrow.
Okey, now you make me really angry. You say that you´re almost dying without your freaking medicine and still you can´t get your fat, sorry ass on a bus here to come and get it. You really want me to come and give it to you, don´t you?!
I really don´t care anymore, it´s your freaking problem. And then you get mad at me for not throwing myself on the floor as soon as you ask for it. Sorry, but you could have just thought about the fact that you might die withouth your medicine before I had to practicly run to my bis this saturday.
Tough luck Chuck.
Night ._.
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