In the shadows of the things I try to hide

I don't want to be a burden ..

I don't want to be in anyone's way, I just want to live my life and try to not getting too hurt. Is that even possible? Sometimes it feels like I've been way too hurt to ever become whole again.
There's a hole in my soul, which no pill could ever fill.
Sure, I've had some pretty damn good band-aids over the years but somehow it feels like I will never get rid of this awkward feeling of always being broken. And as we all know, it always hurts more to take off a band-aid than it did when you got the wound in the first place. I just need a really good band-aid, or at least some pain killers.
I try to smile my way through life, thinking that if I smile maybe I'll make someone else smile too. But it's hard to keep smiling when people around you just scream or cry. Crying is worse than screaming. I seriously can't stand it when someone cry, I feel worthless if I can't make the person stop crying.

Moments like this always ends up with me thinkin of what I would want to work with when I grow up - if I ever grow up. And I think I know what I want to do.
I want to help people. I'm actually thinking about maybe working within the 'church-business'. Helping kids who need someone to talk to. It just might be the job for me, being the person that I wish I had two years ago, when I wasn't feeling too good. I have some of those wonderful people in my life right now, people like Karin, Annelouise and Eva-Britt. I want to be like them 'cause they always make me smile. It's impossible to not smile when you're around them.
I want to work as a deacon. I really think I do. Helping people and helping them to help themseleves. A lot of helping in one sentence, I know, but that's pretty much what they do.
A happy helper. Could you ever imagine me being a happy helper? I know I can't, but I'm really going to try. I'm pretty sure it would be worth it to go through all that trouble (I'm thinking education) to be able to go to bed each night, knowing that you spent the entire day helping people.

Nice, I think I've finally figured out what I want to with my life.
Not too bad for someone like me.