You take my breath away

Isn´t it just lovely when your fathers `girlfriend´ wakes up around midnight and tells you that she is going to work in Norway for a couple of weeks during the summer (okey, that actually made me sort of happy) and that she and your father has planned to go to Thailand for two weeks. And the worst part is that they´re planning on taking you with them. To Thailand. For two weeks. Thailand for two fucking weeks. Isn´t that just unbelievable? That she even came up with that idea.
I wont be going anywhere for two weeks with her. No way. I can hardly stand talking to her for more then ten minutes.
And if I were to go on a vacation with her and my dad I wouldn´t want to go there.
But that doesn´t really matter, 'cause I don´t really believe her. If they were serious about it, my dad would have told me. And he hasn´t done that, so I think it´s just another of her crazy ideas. She is crazy. She drives me (even more) crazy.
I don´t like her.

So that is how yesterday ended, and today didn´t start much better. First lession today was History and we were going to find out our finnal grades for this course. I knew I wouldn´t get more than a pass, but seriously?! I have to do some stupid assignment that I haven´t even done yet, and I have to give it to him on wednesday - otherwise I might not pass the course.
I swear to God, if I don´t pass this I am going to kill myself. For real. I will kill myself.

Now you probably think that I´m overreacting, that it´s not that big of a deal. But it is to me. I don´t think you understand what things are like, so I´ll try to explain really quickly.
In my family we are five siblings and we all have our thing - something that we´re good at. And my thing is school, I´ve always had the best grades, and I have never let my parents down. Not in that matter. So if I can´t get the best grades anymore then what do I do?! Then I would be nothing, no one, someone else would take my place. I´m sorry, but I am really bad at dealing with things like this.
I have to be the best.

Other than that, the day has been almost nothing but worthless. Hanna couldn´t come to Borås so no coffee with her. I still miss her.

I want to lose weight. I want to be so skinny it looks sick. I really do.
I know that if any of you sat right next to me now you would probably hit me or scream at me och give me those looks. But I don´t give a shit. Don´t tell me that I´m not fat - I know I´m not, it´s just that I don´t think I´m skinny enough. I want to look like I have anorexia - I think it´s beautiful to look that way.
None of you will be able to stop me this time. I have motivation, a mother who is constantly reminding me that I have to work out, a sister to work out with and I have all this anger that I really have to get rid of. So why not lose weight? It´s a winwin.
And I want to have money. Loads of it, so I can buy new clothes. Order all those clothes that I really want from hottopic. But do I have that kind of money? No, I don´t. Will I ever have that kind of money? Yes, yes I will. Because that is one of the goals I have with my life, I want to be rich, and famous. And believe me - I will make it. One way or the other.
I want to be skinny, beautiful and rich, and that is pretty much all I want.
That would make me happy.


Now, I´m tired and I think I´ll be falling asleep any minute now so,
GoodNight :*