They all say things you wanna hear

Tonight's tracks :
Sarah Bareilles - Love Song
Miss Li - Dancing the whole way home

This weekend has been something special. I feel this bubbly happy feeling inside and it's more wonderful than I ever thought was possible. I spent as good as the entire weekend in the church, and there's something about that place that makes me feel good about myself. I bet most of you consider that a huge exaggeration but I couldn't be more serious when I say that I'm pretty sure that that's what I want in my life.
Roger was probably right when he said that a world with Jesus is a more `unbroken´ world than a world without Him.
This almost makes me laugh a little, 'cause this is a side of me that most of you probably haven't seen of me so far, but this is the happy Louis. When I spend my time with people that I know care for me, and they're not judging me and I don't have to pretend to be somone that I'm not. I can be myself. And that actually doesn't happen to often. I think I'll try to change that.

You know the post where I wrote that I think I want to work as a deacon? Now I'm sure. That is what I want to do with my life. I guess I'll have to make my faith in God a little stronger and more certain first (I have a long road ahead of me) but when I'm sure that I've found it, I want to spend the rest of my life close to God, helping people.
I spoke to EvaBritt (the deacon in my church) about it today and I felt that she really believed in me when I told her about it. It feels so good to talk about people when you know that they're really listening to. There are definitely way too few of those people in my life. (I'm not saying that there aren't any of those people in my life, 'cause that would be a lie, but I'm pretty sure a could use a few more.)

Since this post is already mostly about God I might as well through in that I'm gonna start reading the Bible someday soon. It's time for that now. I'm really gonna go for it this time. I've tried a couple of times before, but this time I'm gonna make it happen.

Now I have to get started with this weekends load of homework, I haven't really had the time for it until now.

Take care ya'll
(Ps. 121: 2-3)

Can someone just make them stop?!

I can't take this anymore, the pictures in my head are killing me

Even if it hurts me

I know that this will break me

I know that this might make me cry

You gotta say what's on your mind,

on your mind

I know that this will hurt me,

and break my heart and soul inside

I don't want to live this lie

I guess it's rather obvious which song I listen to tonight.
(The truth - Good Charlotte)

I'm not kidding when I'm telling you that I don't feel well. Everything has fallen apart, there is no part of my life that is intact right now.
I hate to tell you this but right now I'd rather just close my eyes one last time. Never having to face this world with all its problems ever again.
Life seems to be so much harder than it should be. I mean, is every day meant to be a struggle? Do I have to fight for my life every moment awake? Is this the only thing that's keeping me alive? Am I even alive? Does it count for living when the only thing that is keeping you here is the thought of dying? The will to die.
My God, listen to this emo freak.
I should get a grip. But right now it feels like I don't really have anything to hold on to, everything is slipping away. Everything and everyone..

I'm sorry you guys, this is just not a very good time.

I got my mind set on destruction

Today's song : The Wildfire (if it was true) - Mando Diao
- obviously

So, school started today and I only have one thing to say about that: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Seriously, I'm not gonna make it this year. There will be a school massacre. Believe me.
I bet you all think I'm just exaggerating but I'm not. Okay every first day of school is a pain in the butt, but this year it was just ridiculous. I woke up and realized that we didn't have any real coffee, took a shower and got almost ready to leave and then I broke down on the floor, screaming that I didn't want to go to school but eventually My and Sarah got me to get up. Then I came to school and it only took me two steps to figure out that that was not the place to be at that time. Then I started crying in the assembly hall, I felt pure panic. After that we got to the classroom, to meet up with Jan and the rest of the class. We got our new schedule (pretty nice actually), a new calendar and a few other papers. We were supposed to get to know which courses we had gotten for IV, but since I got that e-mail from Tomas early this summer I thought Jan would bring it up. Did he? NO! Everyone else that had chosen journalism was on the freaking list. Everyone in the entire class was on that fucking list. Everyone except me. So I simply asked Jan if it was he or Tomas that doesn't like me enough to put me on the list. So Jan just told me to talk to Tomas as soon as I could. Then came strike two - the lockers. Apparently, we won't be having our lockers at the same place as the rest of the class. We just got number and a Good luck finding your locker Chuck, and when I finally found it I discovered that all the people in my class that I dislike have their lockers close to me, while My and Sarah don't. Nice. And another thing that I discovered rather quickly was that my locker was impossible to open. Even nicer, don't you think? So I had to find the janitor, then I had to find the other janitor so that he could fix it for me. Then I had to go to Tomas and talk to him, but there was one hell of a queue so I didn't even bother, I went out to smoke instead.
And here's the really fun part: Then we had to go to class. SERIOUSLY?! You got to be kidding me?! I thought we'd just get introduced to the 09s, answer some questions they'd have and then we could go home. But no.. We had italian and german. Found out that there is only one italian group now, and the people from the other group seem to be idiots. And then I found that they have changed out german groups too - not the same teacher and not the same people. For the love of God people?! I really liked that class, and the teacher.

So let's just say that this year's first day of school was really bad.

Other than that, things have been pretty much business as usual. The heat is killing me, and going to school just to have 2h 10min science tomorrow morning.

I know I'm doing nothing but complaining right now, but I'm not forcing anyone to read this shit.
Bye

Drown in your fake personality

I don't know what to write tonight really, the evening has been good, yet not quite as planned. Malin and I planned to be in Gothenburg with Jonatan all evening but nooooo, Jonatan totally lost it when we said we were going home - since he told us he couldn't meet with us today just because his parents were visiting him. So we went back to Borås almost twelve hours early, decided to stay out all night, just hanging out. Then My came downtown to join and the evening ended at around 11PM when we decided to go to bed since we're all waking up at seven tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna acompany my to the doctors, they had some test results that they wanted to talk to her about.
Malin is going home to Svenljunga at the same time, so after that I'll be alone. All day. I might meet up with Sid before he goes to Jönköping, depending on when he is leaving. Won't know that until tomorrow.
Yet, it has been a totally okay evening, they managed to keep me smiling and they almost made the voices shut the fuck up for a while there. I could barely hear them.

I should be asleep now if I want to make it tomorrow, but something is still bothering me and I know that I won't be able to sleep for at least a few more hours. I'll just continue speaking to Johan on msn until I fall asleep with the computer in my lap. Again..

In one way I can't wait until school starts again - it'll make it easier for me to go back to my old habits of not sleeping, not eating, smoking and drinking tons of coffee. Which is good. Not really, but it works for me.
[00.00]
I don't know why but it feels better to sleep only a few hours each night, waking up at 6.13AM, having a big glass of coffee and then going to school. What ever.

I miss Sid. Terribly.
I know it's good that he is finally trying to stay awake during the days and sleeping by night, but I can't help that I miss staying up all night talking to him. I feel much more safe when I go to bed if I have just talked to him.

However, I should end this now.
Night

Inhale exhale repeat

Tonight's track : Seven Miles Away - CPR

I've never felt this lost. I feel like just taking off into the big nowhere I have never seen, leaving everything and everyone behind, never looking back. Never coming back.
Now that we're here I can't seem to find my, my rescue flare
I don't want this life anymore. If you want it you can have it, cause I sure as hell don't want to live like this.
I wish I knew what is wrong with me, maybe then I would be able to gather up some curage and tell someone about it. But when you don't know what's wrong it's hard to tell anyone about it..

I shouldn't be sitting here, I should be sleeping, since I have to wake up around half past seven tomorrow morning to be able to get ready before Malin gets here. And I shouldn't be writing this cause I hate people's questions. And I shouldn't be listening to this song cause it makes me remember things that should be in my past and in my past only..

You know what?
Never mind..

Going nowhere

I think I might delete this blog. It's going nowhere, I don't have the energy to write anything important, and if there is anything of importance that I feel that I need to tell the world I'll just go out and buy a megaphone. Seriously, I don't think this whole blogger-thing is for me.
Of course it feels good to have somewhere to relieve one's feelings but Hey, what happened to pens and papers?

I don't know right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I know.

Everything isn't meant to be okay

I'm really running out of words, I can't seem to find any these days. I hardly talk to people any longer and I never write here, it's as if I've gone into some sort of hibernation or something, my heart is beating slower and I sleep almost all day every day.
I have taken the time and saved the energy to go visit Gabbeh though, yesterday and twice today. She seems to be feeling much better now and that makes me so happy - hopefully she'll be going home tomorrow.

Other than that there isn't much to tell really, I miss Sid terribly, but hopefully I'll see him tomorrow, if he isn't busy with something else.

Now I think I'll just continue watching Beck.
Bye

The nights are wearing me down

The days seem to be getting longer and harder to get through. I don't know what it is (I really don't) but something is holding me back. What ever that thing may be it's getting stronger and stronger. (Or am I getting weaker and weaker?)
I have no inspiration left, which leaves me with almost nothing, and I don't see the point in waking up every morning when I know that it's just gonna be another useless day anyway.
I need something new, something good, something to help me breathe, something to take away all the dark clouds in my sky - something that allows the sun to shine and brighten up my life. And I need it now.
I don't want to waste my life, I want to be somthing. Want to be someone. I want people to know my name.
Like yesterday, some friends and I decided to go to Borås since on of my friends' friends said that there was some kind of party there. So we took the bus in to Borås and finally got up to Kype, where this girl walks up to me and says something like `Hey! It's you!´ and I didn't recognize this girl at all, and then she told me that she had seen me downtown some times and that she had always wanted to talk to me. She called me pretty and she knew my name God damnit?! I mean, for the love of God.. That's the kind of person I wish I was. I want everyone to know my name.
That is just the kind of person I will never be.

I'm really tired so I should try and get some sleep now. I think I'll try to wake up again around 19.00 but I don't know yet.
Night

Smärtan är den samma för hypokondrikern

Idag tänker jag skriva på svenska för jag orkar inte tänka.

Jag vet inte vad det är som händer med mig längre, jag borde vara hur glad som helst hela tiden, men det här leendet är alldeles för tungt för att jag ska orka bära upp det. Jag orkar verkligen med alla dessa tysta tårar längre. Jag vill bara skrika rakt ut. Jag vill kunna berätta för någon vad det är som är fel, men jag vågar inte för då kommer ni allihopa vara vända ryggen till. Och när ni gör det (inte om utan när ni gör det) så kommer ni inte bara lämna mig tillsammans med mina tårar utan också med förnedring och en förtvivlan som skulle kunna få Mount Everest att rasa samman.

Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra för att slippa må såhär dåligt. Det känns som jag redan har testat allt, men det är inget som hjälper. Visst, ibland mår jag bra ett längre tag men egentligen är det bara en tidfråga innan den stickande smärtan i bröstet, bultandet i huvudet, vanföreställningarna och ångesten kommer tillbaka.

Vad är det för fel på mig?!
Jag borde inte må såhär dåligt, jag borde inte klaga. Jag har ett bra liv, två föräldrar som faktiskt bryr sig om mig, en helt underbar pojkvän, ett antal fullkomligt himmelska kompisar som gång på gång bevisar för mig att de finns där för mig när jag behöver dem.

Så om mitt liv är så himla bra, varför sitter jag då här och gråter av ren panik?
Jag orkar inte.

Say something, anything to me

I really shouldn't be awake this early, but it's pretty hard to sleep when you're almost coughing your lungs out. And if you add the noise from the café thing that is being renovated downstairs and the trucks that come and go all morning you get what I'm trying to sleep with. It's not that easy. So I got up and took a shower, had a cup of coffee, read the morning paper, solved a Sudoku and checked my Facebook.
Nothing much.
Then my dad was home for a little while, surprised that I was up already (He's not the only one), so I talked to him for a while, he asked me to look for a birthdaypresent for Isabelle today, we're gonna buy her a pair of Converse. And my mom and my sister are going to Gothenburg today, so I'm gonna ask them to go to Weekday and look for a pair of CheapMonday jeans.
I gotta buy a gift to Becca as well, we're celebrating her on the 8th of August and then Isabelle the 9th..
Then we have Sid's birthday, and Sara's, and (the other) Sarah's birthday was yesterday.. That's a lot of gifts that has to be bought.
What ever.

I feel sort of absent-minded right now, it's as if nothing matters and nothing makes sense. Everything just is, but that's all there is to it.
I wake up everyday, get up, get dressed, put some makeup on, drink coffee, (usually) skip breakfast, sit at home until My has finished working and then I spend the rest of the day with her and when she has taken her bus home I usually spend the rest of the evening (night) with Sid. Then I get home, go to bed and then everything starts over again the next morning. Not that I'm complaining, but I still think I could do more with my life. I mean, for the love of God, next summer will be my last Summervacation and I hope I'll have a job then, so this is sort of my last summer to just have fun and live life while it's worth living. And what do I do about it? Nothing. At all. And now it's almost over.
Great.

I think I'll just spend the entire day listening to Håkan Hellström. His voice always manage to keep me calm.
I'm so looking forward to September 18th, when he's playing at Liseberg. I guess this year won't be exactly like the others, since Hanna won't be going with us, and not Marcus either, but it'll be Malin and I, and that's what really matters when it's Håkan at Liseberg.
This will be our fourth year, I think..
The only thing that is bothering me is the fact that 'my' german exchange student will be here that week, but I'll simply tell my teacher that I'm busy, or I'll just ask my dad to call me in sick and send the stupid german to school anyway.
We'll see.

Now I'm gonna get my face together and then message Sid to see if he's still downtown or if he's gone home.

Later

Bring it on

So,
I've been home from ten days of camping since saturday, I just haven't had time or energy to write anything here.
But (almost) everything has been good during camp week, of course it's been raining on and off but I've met some old friends and a whole bunch of new ones.
That 'almost' means that I've been missing people here at home, and I've been missing my computer.

I seriously don't know what to write.

What the hell..
I'll get back to you