Psykologi A

1. Göteborg som stad verkar i första anblick vara en väldigt accepterande plats. Det finns alla olika sorters människor men alla tycks hitta en egen liten grupp med jämnlikar. Olika klädstiler, livsstiler, etnisiteter och religioner blandas och skapar tillsammans den härliga staden Göteborg. Som vi märker i fallet med Meddour så är det först när två olika 'gruppers' vägar korsas som konflikter uppstår.
Slutsatsen som man kandra av detta är väl i så fall att göteborgarna (och folk i allmänhet för den delen) har lite dubbelmoral; 'folk får väl vara hur de vill, leva sina liv så som de finner passande - så länge de inte pratar med mig om det.'
Konformitet; att likna dem man umgås med, har väl aldrig varit något nytt, även om fenomenet kan ha ändrats med tidens lopp. Jag har fått uppfattningen om att förr i tiden var det ekonomin som som spelade störst roll i från om vem man kunde umgås med och inte - medelklass med medelklass och så vidare. Idag är det väl inte riktigt så. Som det så tydligt märktes på Nemesis och Tom så är intresse av oerhört stor vikt när men letar efter någon att umgås med. Deras gemensamma nämnare var satanismen - ett bra exempel på den 'destruktiva gruppen', vilken man ofta stannar kvar i endast på grund av just konformiteten inom umgängeskretsen - man känner att man hör hemma någonstans.
Den sociala kontrollen i just detta sammanhang är väldigt låg, i en storstad som Göteborg är så gott som alla anonyma. I fallet med Meddour betyder detta att trots att Nemesis och Tom är relativt välkända inom den egna kretsen så hade Josef inte en aning om vilken sorts killar de var. Jag är näst intill fullt övertygad om att om bristen på social kontroll inte hade varit så stor - om det till exempel hade utspelat sig i en mindre stad, så hade inte händelsen utvecklat sig så som den gjorde. Vad jag menar är inte att en liknande händelse inte skulle kunna hända på en plats med lägre social kontroll men jag skulle tro att storstadens höga anonymitet gjorde det enklare för en sådan händelse att äga rum.
Vad som förväntas av dig i en viss situation men en särskild person/grupp avgör vilken roll du spelar i just din grupp. Nemesis och Tom utgör en grupp, där jag får intrycker av att det är Nemesis som är ledaren. De personer som känner Tom, som får komma till tals under skrivandet av boken, vittnar om att han alltid varit lite 'awkward' - tills han hittade Metal-scenen att identifiera sig med. Att då hitta en ledare såsom Nemesis, som han kunde följa var tydligen hans sätt att känna sig hemma någonstans. Nemesis verkar vara mer säker på att satanismen och 'det mörka' är vad han vill viga sitt liv åt - och är därmed den självklare ledaren för gruppen. Den mest självklara rollkonflikten som jag lägger märke till i boken är Toms; när den blyge, aningen tafatte, lite wannabe metal-killen möter Nemesis och helt plötsligt förväntas han vara beredd att ge allt för att klassas som en riktig hardcore satanist. Att den tafatte killen då väljer att följa ledarens fotspår är ingenting som förvånar mig - konformitet; att känna sig som hemma, har ju som sagt alltid varit viktigt för människan.

2. Att samhället är uppbyggt kring normer (som vi själva har satt upp) för med sig både gott och ont. En av fördelarna med normerna är att de, i viss mån, hindrar samhället från att spåra ur fullkomligt - alla vet om vilka normer som finns och de flesta respekterar dem.
Människan har ett behov av att kategorisera andra människor och deras beteende för att kunna avgöra huruvida denna människa är en 'bra' eller 'dålig' person. I vårat kategoriserande är samhällets normer som en mall - om någons beteende strider mot de allmänna normerna så kan vi direkt märka detta och därmed avgöra vad vi tycker om personen - i vilket 'fack' vi bör lägga honom eller henne. Detta beteende gör det lättare för oss människor att acceptera det som händer runt omkring oss.
En av nackdelarna med normer är att så fort någon trampar utanför dessa gränser som vi tillsammans har satt upp så blir denna person väldigt lätt märkt som en dålig, annorlunda person. En som helt enkelt inte vet sin plats i samhället.
Det är ju ännu en negativ effekt av alla dessa normer och kategoriseringar - alla normer gäller inte på alla människor. Folk behandlas annorlunda beroende på vilket position de har i samhället; om de har mycket pengar eller lite, om de är svenskar eller har utländskt bakgrund och dylikt.

3.

Fighting dragons with plastic swords

Today has been awful. Really awful. Nothing has been going my way and I just feel like dying.


I just finished baking the second cake for tomorrow, at least this one didn't break - yet. We're supposed to bring fika to school tomorrow, we're having a couple of different english tests from 9.00 - 14.00 with a tiny break somewhere in the middle.

I hate school. Especially english, since my teacher told me last friday that I might not even pass the course unless I write those blogposts on that fucking book. So, I have a lot of things to do. And I managed to delete my entire interview for the journalism class last week so I have to do that all over again. Then I have four other things in that course that has to be done. And then there's Science and Swedish and German - got three tests there this week. And thats pretty much it, so if I'm too busy to breathe some time don't worry - I'll get there.
Sitting at the kitchen table again. Alone, listening to the music I hate just because I feel that I'm not worth anything better than tears right now.

I don't know what's wrong with me these days, but I cry every fucking day. Sorry - every night. I can't sleep at night and it's really breaking me down to sit up all night. I just sit here, stare at something that doesn't really exist and cry. Every fucking night is the same.
But at least Gabbeh'll sleep here tomorrow. I think. I hope. I really really really really hope so. I miss her terribly and it has only been four and a half hours since I last saw her. It's weird how much you can miss someone..
Where is my angel I need her now, holding me tonight..

I'm on the edge of giving up right now.
I'm not writing that here for you to feel sorry for me and give me all your pity (I hate your pity), I only write that here to get it out. I can't bare this anylonger. It's just too much for me. I'm not like you, not as strong as all of you. I'm not the girl who solves her problems and just gets on with her life. I get caught up with things, people, emotions - everything. Nothing is too small to get caught up on.
I'm not the girl who knows when it's time to let go.

I gotta go.

Diet Coke

So, now it's 2 o'clock and I have finally finished my news article for tomorrow, so now I just have to write the last part of my psychology assignment and my german homework. Gabbeh is asleep, so now I'm sitting here in front of my computer in the middle of the night as I always do.

I'm almost too tired to write so I'll just save it for some other day.
Bye

Regression

"Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism, leading to the temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when thoughts are temporarily pushed back out of our consciousness and into our unconscious."

Hur kommer det sig att känslan av hopplöshet bara hoppar på en sådär när man minst anar det? När som allra allra minst behöver den, när man har två miljoner andra saker att tänka på så kommer den där känslan. Som en elchock.
Humörsvängningar, ohyes. För typ två timmar sen så var jag på topp, jag lagade mat åt min pappa, jag gick och handlade och jag jobbade på min psykologiinlämning som ska in i morgon. Jag kände mig motiverad att göra mitt bästa. Men sen bara dog den motivationen, likt dinosaurier.
Så länge jag inte vet orsaken till denna brist på energi och motivation så känns det omöjligt att försöka göra något åt den, men jag vill inte låta mina nereperioder styra mitt liv längre. Absolut inte när de perioderna bara blir fler och fler och längre och längre. Lyckan är ganska sällsynt.

Jag fattar verkligen inte det här, och det driver mig till vansinne. Jag hatar att inte hitta någon orsak till saker som händer, det måste finnas en logisk förklaring.
Det måste, det måste, det måste, det måste.
När jag inte hittar någon förklaring så känner jag mig onormal. Fel, om ni så vill.
Är det för mycket begärt att vilja leva ett normalt liv, som alla andra. Ingen av de andra har det såhär, ingen annan jag känner måste kämpa såhär mycket.
Varje dag är en kamp, och jag kämpar verkligen så mycket jag orkar, men det verkar inte räcka och jag vet verkligen inte vad jag ska ta mig till. Jag orkar inte ta itu med alla problem.
Skolan borde vi inte ens börja prata om. Jag orkar inte. Jag vill bara lägga mig på golvet och skrika varje gång en lärare nämner en ny uppgift som vi måste göra. JAG KLARAR INTE AV DET LÄNGRE! Ibland funderar jag allvarligt på att hoppa av skolan, jag tror jag valde fel program - jag kunde gått på Ester Mosesson by now. Okej, jag hade antagligen fått pendla till Göteborg vareviga morgon, men jag hade inte suttit här med ett helt berg av skolarbeten att göra. Det är antagligen bara ett sätt för mig att skylla mina bekymmer på något, men tänk om något så simpelt som ett annat val av gymnasieprogram hade förändrat allt? Om jag hade gått på E.M. så kanske mitt liv inte hade sett ut såhär nu? Det hade det antagligen inte, det hade med all säkerhet sett väldigt annorlunda ut jämfört med hur det ser ut just nu. Men då är den mest självklara frågan i hela världen: Hade det varit bättre, eller bara annorlunda? Hade jag mått såhär dåligt även om jag hade gått där?
Shit, en sån småsak skulle inte kunna förändra allt ändå, så vad fan ältar jag det här med gymnasieval för?
För att jag behöver något att skylla på, så att jag slipper ta skulden.

Gosh, jag borde inte hålla på såhär.

We need to find a way

So, today has been awkward. Overslept - again, and missed the italian test so now I have to do it on thursday instead. I guess that's good, now I have some time for preparation.
At least now I'm friends with My again, feels good.
Bad things that happened today: I deleted my entire interview that I was supposed to print out and give to Ali. So now I have to do it all over again. Thank God I didn't delete the tape. Another bad thing then. Mom called and told me about the letter that she had gotten from the police. So now I have to go to the station on thursday, three o'clock. Daddy's going with me. I really didn't want my mom to know about all this, 'cause just I thought she would she made this a really big deal and I can't do that. I just want to forget everything. And obviously she got really angry with my father for not telling her about it, but hey, not telling her was my decision not his. Anyhow, I just want to get this whole thing overwith.
I figured something out just this second. Well, I've thought about it a lot lately but now I'm sick of it. People that I used to know (or that I thought I knew) don't give a rats ass about me. Did they ever? Or was that just one big show? And I'm not talking about anyone I meet on the streets once or twice, I'm talking about the people I really thought I loved. That I could have given my life for. Why do you lose contact with certain people? It's weird, you always lose the people that you need. Bummer.
I really don't feel like giving that too much thought, that'll only make me miss those days even more. The summer of 2007.

Now I'm tired and I think I might try and go to bed before midnight tonight, but I don't know. I don't know how I'd feel tomorrow morning if I sleep for eight hours, haven't done in quite some time now.
I think I'll just make myself a nice cup of coffee and see what this evening has to offer.

Bye

The ghost of you

Now I'm back from spending another weekend at my mothers. It's like going to rehab. All I do when I'm there is sleeping, and eating - recovering from the week that has just passed. And it feels good, right until when I get on the bus back home. Then all the thoughts come back and all of a sudden I'm back to where I was on friday evening. It's weird.
But this weekend has been pretty good, we celebrated my brothers 21st birthday on saturday, then we spent the afternoon with grandpa. I really love him, he's awesome. And today we celebrated 'Father's Day' and I wasn't planning om going back to Sexdrega after that but somehow I left my cellphone so I had to go back and then take the bus, like I always do. But I'm glad I took the bus today, 'cause Gabbeh was on that bus as well and I just love taking the bus wtih her. It's one of the few moments when I feel really happy with myself. I love you, you make my life complete.
So now Mervie and dad just got home - he picked her up from work. So she's sleeping here tonight, and you know how that makes me feel. Not good.

However, I don't have anything else to write now.
Bye

glass-shaped hearts

Why do I have to cry myself to sleep every night just because you're not lying right next to me?
Why do my hands start shivering like leaves everytime I know I'm gonna see you?
Why do I feel the need to pretend to be happy everytime you're around?
Why dooes my head spin everytime I hear you're name?
Why do I always wish I was perfect when you can see me?

I guess that somewhere deep down I want you to feel sorry about it. I want you to miss me at least half as much as I miss you. I guess I want you to be miserable.

Why do I feel like the biggest failure to ever walk these streets?

We might as well be strangers

I've been thinking and I think it would be much better for me if I went to bed around eleven, perhaps even half past ten. 'Cause I always start feeling bad around midnight. Every night. It's always like this, everything (or at least almost everything) has been good during the day, and then the clock strikes twelve and all of a sudden all these thought come crashing towards me they're impossible to stop.
It shouldn't be like this, so why is it so hard to change?
I don't understand you. Did I ever? Or did you just fool me big time?

You can't see how weak you are

Why do you make this so fucking hard for me?!
I'm sick of this, sick of fooling myself, sick of being fooled by everyone else.
Why is it so damn hard to stop loving you when I know darn well that you don't love me anymore? Am I a horrible person? 'Cause that's what you're making me believe. You make me feel unworthy of love. How can it be so easy for you to stop loving me when I can't fool myself to believe that I don't love you for even a second?
I might be fooling you at times, and I try really hard to fool myself. I tell myself everyday that I don't love you anymore, and I tell everyone else too, just to make myself believe it. You make me hate myself, 'cause if you don't love me anymore why should I? What do you think is the reason for me behaving like this? I don't eat, I hardly wake up in the morning, I can't sleep - I can't do anything. Just because you make me feel that I'm not worthy of love. Nothing can make me feel really good anymore.
I don't get it. Why is this so fucking hard for me when it's so freaking easy for you?!
It's just not fair.
What is it about me that makes me so unloved? How come I not deserve to feel good about myself?
I can't do this anymore, I can't waste all my energy on trying to fool myself when I know that it's not working.
It shouldn't be this hard you know..

God forbid

Tonight's soundtrack : We might as well be strangers - Keane

She's losing it. Totally.
I don't know why I put up with this anymore..

Goodnight.

(you're a disappointment)

On the move

It's raining. And I hate it. But I like it, now I have a reason to not meet people. I'm sick and tired of always having people telling me where to be and when to be there. I want to have my own way, do things on my own terms. It's like the world doesn't trust me with time, as if they feel the need to always tell me what to do or otherwise I wouldn't do anything. Okey, I probably
wouldn't do that much but at least I'd have a fair shot at happiness, right?
Just let me do what I want, okey?
I just want to be able to choose for myself.

Spring blues

Yep, seems like I got what I wished for.
Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it

Now all the feelings I had this spring is right back. I can feel her presence when she's not even here. I wanted her to come back, to change him, not to take him away from me once and again. I hate it when he lets her take him from me. She and her rotten little children. The thing is, he cares more for them than for me.
Everything feels just the same now, almost.. There are a few things that are different now and ofcourse they matter, but I know things will never be like that again. I had something to look forward to then. Someone to talk about everythingg with. And the walls were brand new, I was creating a new home and now all I can think about is how much I miss the old place. I'd give anything to have April back again.
Can we bring yetserday back around?
Of course we can't, fool..

Even if you left me and my brother,
even if you left us and our mother.
Want nothing more than to catch your eye.
Would you be impressed with how far I've climbed
Without your assistance,
With you nowhere in sight.

Is it okey to miss something this much, or is it just some weird sickness that I have brought upon myself? I mean, I know darn well that this might haunt me forever. You might haunt me for all times. And I let you - now hos stupid is that?
Gosh, I think too much.. I should probably get a hobby or something, something to do when I feel the thought come flying towards me with no chance of stopping them. I hate thinking about these things.
I hate to think about you, him and her, me, the old times, the future..
Now the future really scares me.
How you wonder who you'll be..
I have no idea what my life will be like in a couple of years. No clue what so ever, and that scares me.

You know that classic 'the walls are closing in' feeling? That's exactly how I feel right now. My life is getting smaller and smaller, but at the same time it feels as if I'm becoming smaller and smaller too.. Ah, never mind. You'd never understand anyway so..

Godnight

Oh my brothers

Isn't it just great when you get to the place you usually call home and find out that someone else has been living there while you were gone? Like that's not enough, the bitch that almost stole your home left you some money and a movie ticket. And she cleaned your room and she and her daughter went to see a movie with your father, which means that your dad wont be sleeping at home, so you wont be seeing him until tomorrow. If he decides to comoe home that is.
This sucks.
I know I should be really happy that he is seeing her again, but I can't help it. I hate her,with all my heart. She is nothing but a slutty little thief.

That's pretty much al I wanted to tell you today. I thought this was gonne be one of those really really long, hateful blogposts but I don't see a reason to write too manyu words about her.
Three words

I
Hate
Her