Would you go along with someone like me?

I've been having a really hard time finding words to describe my life right now, but I figured it was about time that I got myself together and gave you all some sort of update.
Right this moment everything feels chaotic - I'm leaving for camp tomorrow (Thursday) and won't be home until 1st or 2nd of August. It feels good 'cause I know that I'm always happy when I'm at camp but at the same time it feels like I've never left this much.
I'm gonna miss everyone terribly. Well, not everyone, obviously, but I can think of three people whom I will miss terribly.

Gabbeh, Klumpen, I love you. With all my heart, soul and mind. Without you my life would not be worth living. I think you know how much you mean to me, and don't you ever forget that. Even when everything is feeling out of place. Just find the moon on the night sky and you will know that I'm there. I love you, you are my moon - you give me light when everything else is just black.

Sid. For making me happy and forgetting about all my problems. You haven't been a part of my life for too long, but I really hope you want to stay in it. I have feelings for you that I have had for no one else before. I usually spare my words, especially these words and there are not many whom I say it to, but
I love you.

My. You make my days worth waking up to. I have no idea what I would do without you. I haven't known you for even a year, but I know that this is the beginning of something special. You know things about me that not a lot of people know and I feel that I can really trust you. The same way you can trust me.
You probably won't read this, but I don't really care, you mean too much for me to not be in this post.


There are a lot of other things going on right now too but I don't want to bother you with it. It doesn't seem that important anymore.
So, my bus leaves at 17.30 tomorrow.

Now I've run out of words, so I think I'll just go to bed.
Sweet dreams

In the shadows of the things I try to hide

I don't want to be a burden ..

I don't want to be in anyone's way, I just want to live my life and try to not getting too hurt. Is that even possible? Sometimes it feels like I've been way too hurt to ever become whole again.
There's a hole in my soul, which no pill could ever fill.
Sure, I've had some pretty damn good band-aids over the years but somehow it feels like I will never get rid of this awkward feeling of always being broken. And as we all know, it always hurts more to take off a band-aid than it did when you got the wound in the first place. I just need a really good band-aid, or at least some pain killers.
I try to smile my way through life, thinking that if I smile maybe I'll make someone else smile too. But it's hard to keep smiling when people around you just scream or cry. Crying is worse than screaming. I seriously can't stand it when someone cry, I feel worthless if I can't make the person stop crying.

Moments like this always ends up with me thinkin of what I would want to work with when I grow up - if I ever grow up. And I think I know what I want to do.
I want to help people. I'm actually thinking about maybe working within the 'church-business'. Helping kids who need someone to talk to. It just might be the job for me, being the person that I wish I had two years ago, when I wasn't feeling too good. I have some of those wonderful people in my life right now, people like Karin, Annelouise and Eva-Britt. I want to be like them 'cause they always make me smile. It's impossible to not smile when you're around them.
I want to work as a deacon. I really think I do. Helping people and helping them to help themseleves. A lot of helping in one sentence, I know, but that's pretty much what they do.
A happy helper. Could you ever imagine me being a happy helper? I know I can't, but I'm really going to try. I'm pretty sure it would be worth it to go through all that trouble (I'm thinking education) to be able to go to bed each night, knowing that you spent the entire day helping people.

Nice, I think I've finally figured out what I want to with my life.
Not too bad for someone like me.

Everyone is weak

Today's special song so far is, without a doubt :

Belle and Sebastian - Stay Loose

Feeling empty today really, I don't know why but I feel kind of bad. My dad isn't doing to well right now I think. We're broke and all of Mervie's stuff are gone, so I don't know if they broke up or something.
Okey, I never liked her but the only reason I let her saty was because I know that she makes my dad happy. And now, he has nothing and no one to make him happy again.
This entire moneyproblem is killing me, seriously. I'm sick and tired of never having enough money to manage until the end of the month.
I shouldn't even be writing this here, it's just embarassing, but I don't have anyone to talk to when it comes to this. I mean, I can't talk to my dad 'cause I know he's ashamed. And I don't want people to know really (I know, really smart to write it on your blog if you don't want people to know), so that leaves me and my blog.

I should stop this before I say something very stupid that I'll regret later.
See ya'll later

The silent treatment

You know damn well that you are the only person on this earth who is capable of making me feel this worthless. You know it too well, so you use it to get to me?
This is not me saying I'm sorry for anything - I aint saying that until we've sat down over a cup of coffee or whatever and really talked this over. I can see why you're disappointed in me, but why do you have to make it such a big deal?! You talked to Sid about it, which caused some issues. And then you went to My, and now you've made another of my close friends dislike you. (The other one I was thinking of is Hanna, not that it matters anymore, but you and her hating each other really caused me some headaches)
Okey, I should have told you. But now I didn't, not over a text message or over the phone, 'cause I wanted to sit down and talk to you about it. Since you are my one closest friend I wanted to know what you thought about everything. I trust you. I could give you heart in a paperbag, and I would still not have to worry that something would happen to it.
But I guess that doesn't mean shit to you anylonger.
'Cause you don't reply on my messages anymore.
I guess it's about time I started believing in fate. If we're meant to be friends again, things'll work out.
If not ..
I don't even want to think about 'If not'..

Other than fighting with Klumpen, today has been good. I've been nice to my Mom all day. Haven't been home much, but I've been nice.
Took the 14.43 bus in to Borås. Met Malin on the bus and she made me smile, as always. Then we bought cigarettes and I bought myself a new eyeshadow, since I dropped mine on the floor yesterday.
Then I took the bus up to see Sid. Gosh, he makes me happy. I feel relaxed in his company, even if the thought of not being around him is constantly aching in the back of my head. I miss falling asleep in your arms and to see you lying right next to me when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I can't say it enough.
Baby, you make me so happy.

I'm thinking about whether or not I should go to bed.
I wonder what happened to the time when I could stay up 'til four in the morning, sleep for two hours and still manage going to school. Everything felt a bit better then. Somehow.

I'm tired as hell, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. This entire fight is haunting me, it makes me feel sick.
Well, goodnight I guess.

Bloodstained Friday

I'm sorry. So sorry for making you think that I don't want to be with you. I want to be with you. I don't know what she said to you, but it's not you who is making me feel insecure. I've been building up this insecurity for sixteen years, and it wont just go away over night.
I though I would be able to hide it from you.
Don't look at it and it'll stop existing.
I thought that pretending that there were no insecurity, it would simply start to go away. More and more for everyday. But I didn't get as much time as I needed, so know you know pretty much all about it.

I guess that all I can do right now is to wait and see if you return any of my textmessages.

And Gabbeh, I have never ever said that I don't trust you. You made that up all by yourself I'm afraid. But I guess I might have given you something to build it on by not telling you about Sid and me.

I don't know anymore.
I think I'll just die for a while.

Let's kill the clockwork

Today has been a pretty good day. Started it with breakfast with My, since she wasn't feeling bad I made her purple pancakes. It made her feel a little bit better, so that made me feel a little better.
Then I met my boy, one very special boy that is. You make me happy baby, you really do. Feeling your heartbeats and hearing your voice makes me smile. I really don't know what else to say.

Malin came in to Borås today, I haven't seen her in years almost. That girl sure knows how to make my day better. I've been laughing and smiling all day, laughing like I haven't done since I was i ninth grade. Seriously. Seeing her really made me miss the good old days back at Mogaskolan. Okey, it wasn't always great there but Malin sure made it all worth it.
We took a cup of coffee and then we met with My and we walked around downtown, in the park and all over. Laughed at funnylooking people, threw stones and talked to people. I met Kalleponken! My babybrother of all times, haven't seen him for quite some time either. Felt nice.
And we watched Melody Club. God, those guys make me happy. Haven't seen them since the last time they played in Borås I think, so it was definitely right on time.
I also recieved a couple of looks from one certain person. If it would have been anyone else I wouldn't have cared, but when it comes from her, I feel really insecure.

Now I'm almost falling asleep, watching Grannfejden and talking to Jonatan.

So, night everyone :*

The story of my old man

I know I haven't been writing here for a while now, and right now I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. But I don't give a shit. This day sucks.

I hate you.
You hardly even close the door behind you before you start telling me how worthless I am. Do you really think I want to hear all of that? I was actually happy before you came home today, I met one of my best friends, and another good friend of mine will be here any minute. Why can't you just let me be happy for once?! Do you get a kick from making me cry?
'Cause I do. I burst into tears everyday over you.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't even know your name.

And some of you wonder why I hate spending time at home? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that an insecure, sixteen yearold girl doesn't want to hear how worthless she is every single day.

Fuck this, I'm out of here.

It's nobody's business

mI know I haven't been writing here in quite some time now, but everything has been pretty much this week. I've been working, and Gabbeh has been staying here and I've just been busy.

So, working. I've been helping my mom cleaning at school. I guess I should be happy that I'm finally getting some money (since I'm broke), but just seeing that school makes it harder to breathe, everything comes back to me then, everything that went wrong.
Gabbeh made it all a bit better though, she was satying here from Tuesday to Thursday I think. I haven't got a clue which days she was here, but it really made my life suck less. So she and I hung out a lot with Louise this week, and I can't see why I haven't talked to that girl before, she's freaking amazing.

And this Thursday the three of us took the bus in to Borås, Gabbeh was meeting with Johan, Louise was meeting with Sassy and all of those people, and I was meeting Sid.
I've never been that nervous in my entire life, I thought my chest would break. Of course it didn't, so we went up to get the keys to his new apartment. It felt as if there were a pretty big silence between us, but it didn't freak me out as silence usually does. You were right, it feels good to have someone that you can share the silence with wothout feeling totally awkward.
And then we pretty much sat and waited for his train back home, and right before he had to get on the train he kissed me. In that second, I was almost sure that I was going to die from the explosion in my heart.
My feelings for you are seem to be growing stronger and stronger every day, and you really make me feel happy, and good about myself.
I hope I make you happy too.

Everything else is pretty good right now too, apart from this damn heat, it's killing me. Today I've pretty much been sleeping the entire day, only woke up to eat.
But in a few minutes I'll see if I manage to start the lawnmower, I promised my mom to help her with that. And I really have to get out and run tonight, I really haven't been working out as much as I should have if I want to make it to Kretsloppet in september. And I have to make it. Sofie is going to make it, and then I have to make it to because I can't not be better than her. She's 25 for crying out loud, I won't let her be in better shape than me. End of discussion.

Now I'm gonna drink three liters of water and then I'll try and start the lawnmower.

You know where to get the hold of me.