I've been fooled by the illusions in my head

I'm not the kind of person who talk about my issues, I suffer in silence until it has gone away and then I simply just wait for it to come back again (it always does), and then I do everything all over again - suffer in silence. I don't want to bother you with my problems when I know that you have enough of those yourself. It's all about prioritizing and yes - your name stands higher than mine on my list, and I find it more important to make sure that you feel okey than to look after myself. I'll make it through, I always do so why put all that energy on me? I see no reason what so ever to.

My eating anxiety is back though, with twice the strength it hit me with last time around. So once and again I'm losing hair, I'm really freaking tired all the time and my nails look like shit. And with not eating comes drinking tons and tons of coffee and smoking far too many cigarettes each day, and therefor I can't sleep. Which makes me even more fucking tired.
The worst thing though, is the fact that this Monday when we talked about proper eating in PE class, when our teacher mentioned the wntire losing hair thing and bad nails, it felt like everyone in the room were staring at me. And today My asked me if I was aware of the fact that I each too little.
Okey, I don't eat properly but don't you think I know that already?! I am well aware of the fact that I am tearing my body down by eating harldy nothing and guess what? That's the freaking point of it all.
I don't need you telling me to eat - I won't do it! No. Never. I'm going to reach my goal this time, I really am. So you can say whatever you want to I won't stop it this time.
And don't think for a second that I am doing this for someone else - I'm doing this for me. No one but myself, I want to be happy about the way I look and in my case that means losing at least another five or six kilos. Yep, that's how it's gonna work out this time. I don't give shit about what you think of it - I'm gonna do this. End of discussion.

So, what elseis there to tell you? Not much I think.
Had a fika with Klumpen yesterday, hung out with her, My and Sibbe. Then I went to Sexdrega for about two hours - totally worthless. Then I took the bus back to Borås and then the bus up to Sid, I slept there tonight.
It felt a bit awkward. I mean, it's a bit hard to be around him right now, since this all happened so fast. I get to be close to him, but not as close as I wish I could be, so that's a bit weird.
But you know, I'd rather be not quite as close as I wish to be than far far away from you. Right now, that's better than nothing.

Now I really should pull myslef together and go down to the laundry room and check if it's done. So, I guess I'll get back to you later.
Bye