Din fula, äckliga lilla hora.
Jag hatar dig och jag hoppas att du dör.
Du ska fan inte komma här och tro att du kan säga till mig att jag ska hålla käften så fort du ber om det. Du har ingen rätt att vara sur för mig bara för att du inte håller koll på vart fan din jävla medicin är någonstans och jag tänker fan inte ta någon skit från en sån som dig.
Nu är jag fan i mig riktigt jävla förbannad.
Du är smutsig och falsk.

Dra åt helvette

The nights are wearing me down

I can no longer sleep without another person in the room. I haven´t slept alone for three weeks and it´s pointless to try to sleep when you can´t fall asleep to the sound of someone breathing. Hardly slept at all last night just because of the awful loneliness. And on top of not sleeping I had to get up at half past six to go to work(?!). Your heard me, I´ve been working today, helping mom at her job at school. It´s dead boring but at least I´ll get some money. Too bad I won´t be getting it until end of August though. But I think I´ll manage.

Walking around in that old school all day really brought back some tough memories. I suddenly remembered all the fighting with all the girls in my class and that stupid whore Linnea. I really hate her for ruining that time of my life for me. When I walked in to my fifth grade classroom I had flashbacks of my parents separation, crying in the bathroom, cutting my wrists for the very first time, being fat, blonde and insecure, the birth of my demons, sitting behind the gym at nights and crying..
And I thought those were the good times.

Going from one thing to another, I hate it when people silently expect you to go everything for them. They don´t say it but you still understand what they want you to do - they want you to forget your own life and to what ever it takes to be good enough for them instead.
I really hate you when you´re doing this you know. I won´t but my life on hold just for you when you can just get on a bus and get it yourself.
No way.

Now I´m depressed, upset and tired so I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Since I have to get up early tomorrow.

Okey, now you make me really angry. You say that you´re almost dying without your freaking medicine and still you can´t get your fat, sorry ass on a bus here to come and get it. You really want me to come and give it to you, don´t you?!
I really don´t care anymore, it´s your freaking problem. And then you get mad at me for not throwing myself on the floor as soon as you ask for it. Sorry, but you could have just thought about the fact that you might die withouth your medicine before I had to practicly run to my bis this saturday.
Tough luck Chuck.

Night ._.

Nej.

Nej.

Nächste Haltestelle

So, now I´m home frome a week and a half down in Warberg. It was really awesome and I really thank you for taking me there Gabbeh, it was great :*

Now that I´m home again, business is back to the usual, sitting behind Grand Hotel smoking with My, and tonight she is crashing on my floor. I like having her here, it makes me feel more calm, and comofortable. Not sleeping alone.

Came home to some bad news today, turnss out Athena died last week and my parents didn´t tell me, so I basicly came home to fourtyfive minutes of sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out.
I know what some of you might think now. `You hardly even took care of her anyway.´ But you don´t understand. I got her at the time my parents were separating, and somehow she was always there.
I´ll never forget the day I took her home. My oldest sister were still living in her tiny apartment in Kinna, and me and my mom had just picked Sara and Athena up at Sara´s school. And when we came home to Sofie, she started making fun of Athenas ears. I sat on thhe couch when my mom told Sofie that she and dad were braking up and that daddy was moving out. Sofie started crying and so did Sara and I. I was holding Athena in my hands and already then I knew that she would always be there for me.
Some strange feelings to have for a freaking ginnypig.
But that´s how it was.
I brought her home in my very first Converse shoe box. Not the ordinary Chuck Taylor, another pair of shoes.
I still have that box, but my parents buried her in another shoe box. Converse, still.
So, that´s that.
Sorry for making you read all of this bullshit.

MetalTown soon.
Hanna is coming here tomorrow, staying the night and then we´re off to Gothenburg. Nice.

Today´s special song:

Kent - Järnspöken.

Dom brände grönan och skolan står där ensam nu
Cykelställen står tomma än, trots att loven är slut
Dom fäller kastanjeträden i allén framför skolgården
Och jag rör mig tyst hör inte hemma här,
jag är vålnaden
Jag vet inte varför, men kanske är det därför jag minns det så väl
Dina stora ögon, dina bruna händer, dina vassa knän

Var det dig jag såg, som en skugga ur mina drömmar
Var det dig jag såg, dig jag svor att aldrig glömma

Dom gräver i parken och frosten i marken , blir ett försvar
Och vid hörnet av kyrkan där järnvägen går,
har dom spärrat av
Någon ligger i gräset, med frostiga kläder, så stilla och vit
Och blåljusen blinkar,
tänk vad man kan göra med en liten kniv
Och jag vet inte varför men jag återvänder alltid hit
Det var väl något vi gjorde, något vi sa här som förändrade mitt liv

Var det dig jag såg, som en skugga ur mina drömmar
Var det dig jag såg, dig jag svor att aldrig glömma
Var det dig jag såg som ett spöke från döda drömmar
Var det dig jag såg, har jag äntligen lyckats glömma?

It makes me think of two persons.
It´s like good and bad, just that I don´t really know how good `good´ is.
All I know is how bad `bad´ really is.

Too many words.
I don´t make sense anymroe

So many words, so many words

So many you can´t believe

I´m tired´and confused and I need to smoke and drink coffee. Now. Do we have any cigarettes? Yeah, we have two. I need to smoke right now.
My lip hurts and so does my head and I should brush my teeth.

I wish this week could last forever, beeing her with Gabbeh makes me feel good about myself.


I´m not sure why I´m writing this post right now, I have nothing important to write what so ever.
You scare me.
I scare me.

Bye

Walk away mi boy, walk away mi boy

[00.00]

Still tired, still confused. A little bit unsober but not too much. Third day in a row now without not drinking ._. I don´t like this, it scares me.
(no, i won't make drinking everyday a habit, it´s too expensive for me)

Christian just got back, now isn´t that one way to kill all the fun? Gabbeh just went to te bathroom, so I'm gonna write a few words here I think.
Today has been good too, haven´t gotten much done. Woke up aroung noon, just sat on our sorry asses 'til five and then we went to Varberg, fixed some cigarettes (MAN, is that harder here than home in Borås?!), had something to eat since we didn´t eat breakfast; icecream does not count as breakfast, then we had a cup of coffee at Paganini's and then we went back to the camping. Quite lovley, really.

I´m thinking she´ll be back any minute now, so I should just end this short post by saying goodnight to ya'll.
Sweet dreams :*

White Trailor Trash

Sitting down in Warberg right now, with the love of my life. Her parents went back home about an hour ago so now it´s just the two of us. We´ve got an entire week ahead of us and it feels like this week will be really good. We´ll have time to hang out, talk, do whatever we want whenever we want to.

Yesterday there was this party in Tvååker, in Andy´s brother´s apartment. Tons of people, drunk people, drunk Louis. It was fun. I made out with Gabbeh and some greek guy. Not okay. Not at all. I actually regret doing that.
What ever.
But there was a certain phonecall last night that made me really happy. It really did, just so you know. You make me happy and I almost started crying when I heard your voice, thank you. You made my day (night).

Then I got too drunk, not good. I threw up and then we went home to Andy, where we were going to sleep. Threw up some more and then passed out on his sofa. Nice job, Louis. Nice job.

That´s pretty much what last night was all about.
Now I´m going to force Gabbeh to go to the bathroomroom thing so I can fix my makeup, cause I really look like shit today. But not hungover (Y)

I´ll get back to ya'll
Byebye :*

I bet ho them you look like shhh

Jetzt hade ich Sommerferien.

Today has been goos (so far), My and I were late for school (as usual) so we went straught to the assemblyhall and watched everything that was going on there. Then we gathered with the class and the ones who read ELS second year. And when it was time to go there were the usual huggingthing. I don´t see why you have to hug everyone, it´s not like this was he last time I´ll ever see them. We don´t even like each other that musch.
Anyhow, My and I will try to get the hold of some cigarettes soon, we both need it. Then later today I´ll be going to Svenljunga, celebrating Marcus and then off to Warberg.
I don´t know how much I´ll sit by the computer the coming week and a half but I guess I´ll write a few posts at least. We´ll see.
Otherwise, you know where to find me.

Short post I know, but now I have to go.

no one ever said that life was fair

I don´t really know what to write today, but I feel awkward, and strange.
It seems as if you have no real interest in me what so ever. You say you do, but it feels like it´s all just some kind of game to you. I´m sorry to say that but you seem to care more about every other girl, and not about me.
Don´t you think for a second that I dislike you or anything, it all just seems so weird.
Enough about that.
(I will probably regret writing those lines, but I had to get it out of my system)

Watched Gabbeh´s prom today. She was so beautiful and pretty and everything else that only she can be. I think I´ll be posting some photos of here on bilddagboken tomorrow, just so that everybody can see how she looked in her dress.
I love you, you are the most important person in my life.
BSKK :*

School´s out tomorrow.
My and I will take a fika and then I´m going to Svenljunga, celebrating Marcus´ graduation and then off we go to Warberg. Me and the love of my life.
Truly, she is the one person I really love.
I think it´ll be good for me to get away from everything for a while, living day by day and (hopefully) not having to worry so much.

My is staying here tonight - again. I really like having her around, especially when she is here, I feel safer when I have someone close to me.
I should be off to bed soon, gotta get up early and get ready tomorrow, finish off cleaning my room, pack the last few things and so on and so on.

Night everyone

Disconnected

There could not be a more suiting headline for today, I´ve been feeling off and awkward all day long and I have no idea why that has been.
I slept my way through my first class today (yes, I actually fell asleep), and then I went home to get some papers for My, then I got back late to my next class and then we had that dreadful classthing. It wasn´t even that fun, I had to feed Carl with yoghurt. Then we did charades - I hate charades, how can it be fun to pretend that you´re something/someone that you´re not?

I hate it when it comes to this point, and it seems to always get to this certain point. The point when I start doubting things, people, feelings, myself - you name it, I doubt it. Some of my friends (or `friends´) tell me to doubt. They tell me to not believe a word that you say, and right now I don´t know what to believe. It all seems too weird. Too good maybe? Or is it just my intuition? Perhaps I should be doubting this?
Gosh, I don´t know anymore.

It looks like this is going to be an allnighter, I have tons of things that I have to do until tomorrow. Schoolstuff. Today Hanna, my Swedish and Tema Språk teacher told me that if I don´t hand in a number of things that I haven´t given her she won´t even be giving me a final grade. So, good luck Chuck ._.

I think I´m dying. Really. I don´t have any energy, people keep getting mad at me and I´m not even sure I want this life anymore. Give me a new one please?

I should try to get some things done now, and then go to sleep.

Night

You take my breath away

Isn´t it just lovely when your fathers `girlfriend´ wakes up around midnight and tells you that she is going to work in Norway for a couple of weeks during the summer (okey, that actually made me sort of happy) and that she and your father has planned to go to Thailand for two weeks. And the worst part is that they´re planning on taking you with them. To Thailand. For two weeks. Thailand for two fucking weeks. Isn´t that just unbelievable? That she even came up with that idea.
I wont be going anywhere for two weeks with her. No way. I can hardly stand talking to her for more then ten minutes.
And if I were to go on a vacation with her and my dad I wouldn´t want to go there.
But that doesn´t really matter, 'cause I don´t really believe her. If they were serious about it, my dad would have told me. And he hasn´t done that, so I think it´s just another of her crazy ideas. She is crazy. She drives me (even more) crazy.
I don´t like her.

So that is how yesterday ended, and today didn´t start much better. First lession today was History and we were going to find out our finnal grades for this course. I knew I wouldn´t get more than a pass, but seriously?! I have to do some stupid assignment that I haven´t even done yet, and I have to give it to him on wednesday - otherwise I might not pass the course.
I swear to God, if I don´t pass this I am going to kill myself. For real. I will kill myself.

Now you probably think that I´m overreacting, that it´s not that big of a deal. But it is to me. I don´t think you understand what things are like, so I´ll try to explain really quickly.
In my family we are five siblings and we all have our thing - something that we´re good at. And my thing is school, I´ve always had the best grades, and I have never let my parents down. Not in that matter. So if I can´t get the best grades anymore then what do I do?! Then I would be nothing, no one, someone else would take my place. I´m sorry, but I am really bad at dealing with things like this.
I have to be the best.

Other than that, the day has been almost nothing but worthless. Hanna couldn´t come to Borås so no coffee with her. I still miss her.

I want to lose weight. I want to be so skinny it looks sick. I really do.
I know that if any of you sat right next to me now you would probably hit me or scream at me och give me those looks. But I don´t give a shit. Don´t tell me that I´m not fat - I know I´m not, it´s just that I don´t think I´m skinny enough. I want to look like I have anorexia - I think it´s beautiful to look that way.
None of you will be able to stop me this time. I have motivation, a mother who is constantly reminding me that I have to work out, a sister to work out with and I have all this anger that I really have to get rid of. So why not lose weight? It´s a winwin.
And I want to have money. Loads of it, so I can buy new clothes. Order all those clothes that I really want from hottopic. But do I have that kind of money? No, I don´t. Will I ever have that kind of money? Yes, yes I will. Because that is one of the goals I have with my life, I want to be rich, and famous. And believe me - I will make it. One way or the other.
I want to be skinny, beautiful and rich, and that is pretty much all I want.
That would make me happy.


Now, I´m tired and I think I´ll be falling asleep any minute now so,
GoodNight :*

Should I get up and carry on?

This weekend has been good, really good actually. I´ve been `camping´ all weekend and it has kept my mind off of things, I´ve been happy. That´s what´s good about beeing busy all day long, you don´t have time to think of things that bring you down, so you just keep on smiling your way throught it all. Maybe those tiny bastards aren´t that bad after all, eventhough they read my textmessages and woke me up by jumping on me. Yeah, they actually started jumping on me when I was asleep, but I was too tired to care. Slept for three hours last night so I´m pretty exhausted, so I won´t be long today I think. Or maybe I will, we´ll see.
So, after I came home to Borås again I went out to meet up with My, I was gonna meet her halfway to Tullen, but I got lost (stupid me I know, but I actually got lost on my way there) so she called me and told me to turn back the same way I came and eventually I came back to the bakery and then I sat there and waited for her instead. I´m really bad with remembering which way I should go when I haven´t been there for some time. So we lighted our cigarettes and walked down to buy her a buscard - that´s the reason we walked in the first place - she didn´t have a buscard. And when we came to the station, guess who was sitting there all by his lonley self if not Lucas? Oh yes he did, and I just felt the urge to walk right pass him just to se how he reacted (to see how he looked) so I did. He just looked at me, I thought I´d just say hi but I didn´t, (way to go me) 'cause I figured that if I did I´d spend the rest of today and all day tomorrow thinking of him. So not saying anything to him felt good. Good in a sad but good way. I wanted to talk to him, but I knew how it all would end up so I simply didn´t.
A small step for mankind but a huge step for Louis. Thank you very much.

I really don´t have much else to say other than the fact that this weekend has been good.

Tomorrow I´m gonna have a cup of coffee with Hanna, haven´t seen her for quite some time now and I miss her. We used to see each other as good as every day for three years and now I haven´t seen her for months. We really have to start planning for Metaltown. When to go there, where to sleep and so on and so on. I´m looking forward to go there with her, it´s sort of our thing the entire music and consert thing.
And I will also bake cupcakes tomorrow, since we´re having that stupid classthing on Tuesday and we are supposed to bring fika.
Yes, I am exporting the word fika.

Okey, I should get some sleep 'cause right now I can hardly see what I´m writing.
So, goodnight to ya'll :*

Calm you heart, I am here

Kom hem från övernattningen för snart en timme sen så nu är det bara fem och en halv timme kvar tills jag ska tillbaka till samma ställe igen, fast denna gången med nästan tjugo småungar.
Men Jesus Christ vad kallt det var där ett tag inatt, helt sinnessjukt. Och ändå låg vi i stort sett bara i en stor hög, så idag ska jag ha med mog raggsockar och mössa så att jag slippet frysa, för jag känner på mig att det blir nog inte mycket varmare idag.
Så mina fem och en halv timmar ska jag spendera åt följande:
Duscha - already done
Dricka kaffe - on the way
Sova i minst två timmar
Fixa i ordning mig
Inte glömma bort att ta med mjölk så att jag kan dricka kaffe
Kolsyra mera vatten

Jag tror det är det jag behöver göra.
Men hajken med seniorlaget var faktistk riktigt kul, det börjar kännas som om det finns mer än en tanke med namnet VI-laget (sexlaget). Men roligt hade vi i alla fall, och tack till Björn som lät mig låna hans runda mobiltelefon när min inte fungerade som den skulle. Men han lovade att fixa min mobiltelefon tills ikväll, så jag hopppas att han inte glömmer det. Då blir Louis nog ganska besviken. Menmen, det återstår att se hur det blir med den saken.

Men nu ska jag dricka minst två koppar riktigt kaffe (det vill säga inte snabbkaffe) och sen ska jag slänga mg ner i soffan och ligga där tills jag börjar känna mig stressad av att tänka på det andra jag måste komma ihåg att göra innan halv sex.

Mina fem och en halv timmar är inte fem och helv längre
menmen, jag finns som sagt på mobilen om ni skulle vilja något
Hejhej :*

Close your eyes and count to ten

I´m confused. Really confused.

I have no idea what is going on inside your head, what your intentions are. I on the other hand, get more and more certain for everyday. It´s just that I´m afraid to tell you anything since I don´t know if you feel the same way. It´s scary stuff you know..

Anyhow, today has been pretty good, could have been better but it could also have been worse, so I´m gonna let you get away without all my complains today, you deserve better.

You make me feel all these weird feeling inside. Good feelings, but yet weird, I haven´t felt like this before and that scares me. It freaks me out actually. But don´t you guys worry about me, I´ll be fine.

However, now I´m gonna pack all my stuff and go to my mom, unpack everything and then pack everything again but the second time I´ll include a sleepingbag - I´m going camping. Friday 'til Saturday, then I´ll go home for like six hours and then I´m going back to same place, but with different people. Saturday - Sunday will be worst, all those tiny bastards running around and screaming, not sleeping and keeping me awake and away from home.
So if any of you have something to tell you´ll have to call me or write an sms. Simple as that.

What makes things even wore is the fact that I don´t have any cigarettes, so my weekend is gonna be pretty chaotic I´d guess. But I´ll try so survive.

Gotta go pack all my stuff now
Bye :*

We´ll speak of what a waste I am

Idag har jag spenderat större delen av min dag till att tjafsa med folk om helt onödiga saker. Förlåt, men det är sån jag är och jag pallar inte med folk som laggar för saker som jag säger när de borde fatta att det är ett skämt. Visst, ni kanske också skämtar, men jag pallar inte få skit hela tiden.

Och ja, jag har oerhörda humörsvängningar och när jag är på dåligt humör så brukar det alltid gå ut över andra, så jag försöker att hålla mig undan - är så tyst jag bara kan, och då blir folk sura på mig för att jag inte pratar med dem. Förlåt, men jag mår inte alltid bra och det försöker jag dölja så gott jag kan, men när alla är på en och frågar hur man mår så är det inte så jävla lätt. Så det är lite upp till er; antingen så skit i mig när jag är på det humöret, eller så får ni vänta er den riktiga Louis.
Den riktiga Louis är inte den glada person som jag så ofta försöker imitera varje dag i skolan. Och till er som mest känner mig utanför skolan så ber jag om ursäkt för att ni får se mest av den riktiga Louis, men jag orkar inte bara låtsas hela tiden. Förlåt.

Ja, det var väl det jag egentligen ville säga.
Men iaf, Mvg i matte A, eventhough jag inte riktigt känner att jag förtjänar det. (yey me)

Nu ska jag försöka städa mitt rum ._.
Break a leg

Stupid girl

The truth is you could slit my throat
and with my last, gasping breath
I´d apologize for
bleeding on your shirt

There I go, thinking of him again.



Demons don´t make promises.

I´ll be marching by your side

So today hasn´t been much at all. English - talked about American History X for one and a half hour, German - watched Türkisch für Anfänger, Italian - watched La Piovra, History - wrote my entire paper on Fidel Castro in less than an hour. Pretty impressed by myself there I must say, since most of the people in my class spent days with their papers, but they will probably get a better grade then me too. But a pass is what I aim for, I don´t even like history with Andrew, and since we won´t be taking the B course it doesn´t really matter.

Anyway, today I have a lot of studying to do, and I mean loads. I have eight different assignments that have to be done, so hello homework. Until next year I have to get myself together and not starting with things too late. All those assignments are late and they have to have them to be able to give me a grade. Way to go Louis. I know what you´re thinking. But I´m gonna get better next year, I swear.
So My will be coming over later today, so we can help each other. She´s gonna dye her hair today, dark red. It´s gonna look awesome.

I guess that is pretty much what is going on right now. Some other thing to ofcourse but I don´t feel like writing them down right now. To whom it will concern; you can ask me later if you really want to know, I just might tell you.

Now I´m gonna grab something to eat, haven´t eaten any thing else than an apple today so I´m pretty much starving here.

Catch you later
Take care :*

If you look closely you can see the scars

This day has been rather worthless, not at all as Tuesdays use to be like. They are usually really good, but today? No. Not at all.

It feels like I´m falling, really far down this time. Everyone is just talking and talking about things that they know nothing about, and then they tell me what to do and what not to do. Does anyone ever do as I tell them to? I dont think so, so why should I do as you say? What you say doesn´t matter to me anyway, since most of all the things you say are bullshit. And I´ve heard enough of that.
I hardly don´t know what I do anymore, everything is just a big blur.
Sorry for being nothing but a pathetic little emokid today, but I really feel emo today.

I miss it. I miss the days when things got better by just taking a razor in your hand and make yourself bleed. And then watch the blood on your pale arms as it came running down, creating little pools of red, oh my were they beautiful.

Stop it Louis.
I know, I shouldn´t even be thinking of going back to hurting myself but sometimes it seems like my wounds heal easier than the ones I make on others. I´d rather hurt myself than someone that I care for.

I should stop this right now.
Bye

The mind bruises just a little bit easier

Sitting in school right now, thinking of all the things that I do wrong everyday. I think my biggest mistakes are making thing bigger than they really are and making myself believe that there is someone out there who cares for me. There is no such person. Some people are simply made to be alone - and I am one of those. I can´t let people get to me, and if I do find anyone that I would like to let into my life I always seen chase them away.


I thought today was going to be a good day but boy was I wrong. I´ve been walking around all day just feeling bad och being ashamed over all I´ve done. I really feel terrible over yesterday and I understand if you don´t want to ta talk to me anymore. (Even I don´t want to talk to myself anymore)


But. I´m supposed to write about love right now. First I had an idea about writing about how the seasons strengthen our wish to have someone close to us but right now that feels sort of worthless. So I think I´m going to write about the fear of letting someone new into your life, and just lose yourself and believe that someone will be there to catch you when you fall.

That I could write about, since that is one of my biggest fears; letting someone in and beliving that they will be there even if things go wrong.
I am wrong and I totally understand that no one would want to be there for me when I fall, 'cause all I do is dragging people down with me.

I also haven´t gotten a real answer from Gabbeh, if she is coming to Borås today or if she´s going to be with Louise. So, today won´t be as good as I once hoped it would.
And I don´t have any cigarettes, so that´s just going to make things suck even more. But later today my sister, My and I will go out and run for a bit.
I´m really gonna take this shit seriously this time, I really have to get in shape, I´m sick of not being happy about the way I look.
Some things have to change around here.

I´m sorry. For everything.
(For being me.)

Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me

Well, yesterday was odd. Really odd and a bit awkward. It was too damn hot and I spent most of my day shivering and being scared of fainting. And I met a lot of people (a few too many I think).

All the people and all the running around together with the heat was too exhausting for me so I passed out on the couch when I watched Shrek, and when I woke up again the clock was half past nine so I went to bed. Couldn´t sleep, so I think I fell asleep around one o'clock.

That is pretty much what I have time to write right now, since I have to be in school in less than an hour.

Tack

Blir man inte lika glad varje gång man får höra från en av sina vänner att de blir deprimerade av att umgås med en? Tack för den, det värmde verkligen.
Men om jag nu drar ner dig så jävla mycket - Umgås inte med mig då för i hela helvette?! Du behöver ju liksom inte gå och bli sur på mig bara för att jag kanske är syndigt jävla trött en måndagmorgon. Vem fan är inte det liksom?!
Jag var inte sur, men när du säger till mig att jag är sur när jag inte är det så är det klart som fan att jag blir sur? Och sen blir du sur bara för att jag säger att jag inte är sur, och sen typ skiter du i mig resten av dagen.
Tack.
Verkligen, tack så jättemycket.